


Hopeful Hearts

by burymeinziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-24 01:59:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 56,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burymeinziam/pseuds/burymeinziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Zayn had as much luck as he did hope, Liam would probably already be in his arms. But of course, life wouldn’t grant a scruffy teenager like Zayn Malik with such privilege.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

He has hope; buckets of it. He has so much hope, in fact, he could most likely drown himself in the stuff. It’s all he has, really, if you take away the lazy smile that he always seems to wear and those tired eyes that always lead people to believe that he’s dreaming. The boy in the ripped jeans and the tattered converse may not have more than a penny to his name, but he sure as hell has more than enough hope to win himself a war.

If Zayn had as much luck as he did hope, Liam would probably already be in his arms. But of course, life wouldn’t grant a scruffy teenager like Zayn Malik with such privilege. You could see his lack of it with not much more than a hasty glance in his general direction. The bags beneath his heavy lidded eyes draw attention away from the spark that appears in that mass of browns and hazels every time Liam comes into sight.

Luck is something Zayn doesn’t have and has never possessed.

The only class they share is English and they both love it, albeit for very different reasons.

Zayn likes English because he can express himself. He uses words as an outlet. He says the things he often never has the courage to speak out loud. He shares his innermost thoughts and feelings in hopes of giving his reader, who he often imagines to be Liam, a glimpse into his mind in hopes that they might just understand. Liam likes working with words as well, but unlike Zayn, he owns each and every letter and uses them to create master essays rather than whimsical sonnets. It’s a natural talent of his. While Liam can write pages upon pages of argumentative essays, Zayn will write a small, heartfelt poem that never earns him anything higher than a B. Zayn doesn’t have that same way with words that Liam does, but his poems mean more than anything Liam could ever come up with. Every idiom whispers words of love to anybody who will take the time to listen. Unfortunately, nobody ever does so his works of art remain nothing more than a B messily scrawled in bright red ink at the top of a page torn from the rings of an old notebook.

But Zayn hopes. He hopes that one day Liam might stumble upon his odes and pick them up. He hopes that one day Liam might see them and want to make note of every word and feel the love nestled in between all the letters and tiny marks of punctuation.

Even if they don’t share all of their classes, Liam is in all of Zayn’s lessons without even being aware of it. A part of him is buried within the boy with the tanned skin and hopeful brown eyes. Zayn carries Liam with pride; he cherishes him and, in turn, Liam holds possession of Zayn’s swollen heart. It’s bursting at the seams with all the love and adoration Zayn holds for Liam, but he has no idea. Liam simply doesn’t realize, so Zayn’s swollen heart sits helplessly in his pocket or his school bag going unnoticed and uncared for.

Each seminar Zayn attends, Liam is with him helping him to pass the time when the teacher’s constant chatter becomes too uninteresting to follow. Zayn is good at pretending. He should be considering Liam is never beside him during any of these lessons. No, Liam is off broadening his knowledge somewhere else in the large school; he’s probably learning things Zayn couldn’t even begin to understand.

The only thing Liam doesn’t know is that the boy in the back of his English class is the only one in the school who truly adores him for being him. Liam is constantly surrounded by people who claim to “care for his wellbeing” but they’re really only after a share of that inheritance he’s supposed to get once he graduates. The irony of it all is that Liam hasn’t spared so much as a glance in Zayn’s direction in all the years they’ve shared a school.

But that doesn’t stop Zayn from hoping because even though he’s completely unaware of his existence, Liam is all Zayn can seem to think about. Zayn looks at Liam and he hopes; he hopes that one day Liam will see him and that he’ll smile. Zayn hopes he and Liam can talk over coffee and maybe Liam will even laugh at his jokes. He hopes he and Liam can become friends and that over time Liam can grow to care for the heart he’s been carrying his back pocket all these years.

+

Liam wrote his essay on To Kill a Mockingbird and the theme of loneliness that is displayed throughout the book. Zayn watched as he dropped the essay off at the teacher’s desk, the paper slipping past his fingers like a cool breeze ghosting over sun kissed skin. He imagined the words pouring out of Liam and falling onto the page with an ease Zayn had never found within himself. He would have loved to have seen more than just the title page of that paper, would have loved to read it all and mold himself to fit into the cracks of Liam’s own solitude that was subconsciously apparent in his own work.

As Liam navigates the crowded hallways, slipping between bodies and pushing his way through the various cliques of students, the book and his essay is still fresh in his mind. Why, he has no idea. He doesn’t understand why he was able to connect so deeply to his topic of choice. Then again, how is he supposed to know that, deep down, he’s probably the loneliest soul in the entire school?

The swarm of students he’s about to join will greet him with warm hugs and smiles and presses of glossy lips to his cheeks just as they always do and Liam, being the wonderfully naïve boy that he is, won’t even realize they only smile with their mouths. They’ll all flash their shiny white teeth and pat him on the back. They’ll ask about his day, his classes, if he’s dreading that math exam next Wednesday. They’ll invite them to lunch over the weekend or to a party that’s supposed to be at this guy Josh’s house on Friday. They will all make him believe that he’s been accepted, something Liam had always longed and hoped for. But it isn’t Liam they’re really interested in; not really. It’s that hefty trust fund waiting for him on the other side of graduation that has really captured their hearts.

That’s the main difference between Liam and Zayn. Zayn is at a disadvantage. He hasn’t got a piggy bank filled to the brim, a fancy car, or even people he can honestly refer to as his friends. He’s destitute and he knows it, but the thing is, it doesn’t bother him. Not one bit. He doesn’t care that his parents are struggling to keep a roof over their heads or even that he’ll probably never get the opportunity to attend that music school he’s had his eye on for the past three years. He’s okay with being on the “have not” side of things because he knows things could be worse. As long as he can write poems on that ratty old couch in his living room Zayn is happy.

On the other hand, Liam is that beautifully unattainable guy who is always well groomed and sufficiently equipped with pockets stuffed with money. He’s loaded and he knows it, but what he fails to realize is that his money plays the leading role in getting him pretty much everything he has; material or not. Granted, Liam hasn’t always been rolling in dollar bills. Once upon a time, he wasn’t too far from where Zayn is sleeping at the edge of town living in a two bedroom apartment with his parents and three sisters. That was until his father scored a high paying job at a well-known ad agency when Liam was eight and unable to fully comprehend what it really meant to go from living in the poor house to moving into a three story house just outside the city. Liam went from being the poor kid huddled up at the edge of the playground to being the prince of the jungle gym. People liked him and Liam liked being liked.

Zayn can see him now from where he’s sitting in the grass with his back pressed up against a tree only a few yards away from where Liam and his group of fake friends have decided to spend their lunch hour.

Liam’s laugh rips through the mindless chatter of the courtyard and a small smile finds its way onto Zayn’s mouth. There are no teeth showing but it holds more meaning than any grin Liam is being faced with at the moment. Zayn longs to know what Liam found to be so funny. He can see Liam’s actions perfectly, but he doesn’t have supersonic hearing. Unless Liam were to raise his voice against the general natter on the courtyard, Zayn can’t hear a thing.

Oh, but Zayn can pretend.

He pretends that Liam is smiling at him. Liam with his eyes crinkling around the edges as his lips stretch and curve up into a breathtaking smile he saves just for Zayn. He likes to imagine that every time Liam opens his mouth words of adoration and love are spilling past his lips; that when Liam laughs it’s because of him. That he’s the reason for Liam’s pure unadulterated happiness. 

Zayn also hopes.

He hopes that, at any moment, Liam will depart from that group of pretty girls and handsome young guys. That he’ll cross the court yard and join him under the tree. That maybe Liam will smile and ask him for his name and they’ll talk and laugh.

Most of all Zayn just hopes Liam will turn around and see him; notice him.

Zayn isn’t crazy or weird; not at all. He’s just happy and hopeful. But Liam and his group of shallow friends who can’t bring themselves to care about anything past their own noses wouldn’t know anything about that so they just clump him stamp Zayn with some thoughtless label and leave it at that. They know nothing of happiness or love or hope; nothing at all.

And let it be known that Zayn Malik is very much in love with Liam Payne.

He’s still watching, purely content even though Liam now has his back to him. Strangely enough, Zayn even finds his back to be beautiful. Liam is all smooth lines and toned muscle. He is tanned skin begging to be touched and kissed and worshipped. Zayn almost feels bad for thinking of Liam in such a way. He feels as if he’s intruding whenever his mind drifts to that place where Liam is bare and stretched out along the length of the futon in Zayn’s living room. He can see it though. Liam who is usually calm, cool and collected laid out in Zayn’s living room completely unraveled and begging for Zayn to touch him; to run the pads of his calloused, working class fingers along his tan, sun kissed skin, across the broad planes of his shoulders…

Zayn feels a guilty blush creep onto his cheeks and the thought of witnessing Liam in such a vulnerable situation and quickly averts his eyes from the boy across the yard. Unfortunately, however, one of Liam’s friends caught Zayn staring. He believed the boy’s name to be Johnny. He was the kind of kid who believed he was above everything and everyone around him. Johnny thought more of himself than any human being should, so it didn’t shock Zayn when the boy turned to share this new information with Liam because why would Johnny keep anything to himself?

“Dude you have a stalker.”

The uneven voice worms its way into Liam’s ears causing him to look up into Johnny’s All-American baby blues. They’re cold but Liam doesn’t spend too much time dwelling on the observation. A smile forms on Johnny’s lips though and it’s more sinister than it is appealing as he nods his head in Zayn’s direction.

Zayn who is still sitting by that tree, all alone, with his knees pulled tight against his chest.

Zayn who, thank God, can’t hear a word any of them are saying because if he could just may crumble.

Liam slowly turns around so he can scan the courtyard for anyone who may appear “stalker-like”. His eyes fall upon Zayn’s face, two bright brown eyes boring holes into his skin. The difference between Zayn’s eyes and that of Liam’s friends is immense. Even from a distance, Liam can spot the kindness in Zayn; can feel his warmth. 

Zayn’s lips curve a little at the sides forming a gentle smile. It’s so small no one else takes any notice to it, but Liam does. It shocks him, actually, because the tiny smile is just so pretty that it makes him wonder what a grin would look like. If Zayn had known a smile would make Liam notice him he would have showered Liam in his smiles a long time ago. The thing is, though, Zayn always smiles when he sees Liam. He smiles at the mere thought of Liam. Zayn smiles for moments like these; the moments he’s constantly hoping for where Liam comes to his senses and actually notices him. Zayn smiles because when Liam finally takes the time to see him, he wants to be ready.

And boy did Liam see him. He was staring and he didn’t even know it.

Liam gets lost looking at Zayn. He doesn’t even notice Zayn’s less-than-adequate choice in clothing which is odd because Liam is always checking out other people’s outfits. He’s constantly comparing his clothes to that of his friends and the other students around him just to make sure he’s fitting in bur right now Liam is just so damned busy staring at Zayn’s face that he can’t bring himself to notice the boy’s ratty old T-shirt and ripped jeans.

Liam stares because he doesn’t want to miss another one of Zayn’s mind blowing smiles.

On the other side of the yard Zayn’s face is growing redder by the second and he knows it’s because Liam is staring. He hopes Liam isn’t looking at him out of disgust but it’s hard to tell because his expression isn’t the easiest to read at the moment and Liam has yet to offer up a smile of his own. Zayn’s legs are urging him to just stand the fuck up and walk over there, maybe extend his hand and introduce himself to the boy he’s been pining over for the past few years, but he refrains from doing so not only because actually gathering up the nerve to talk to Liam scares Zayn half to death but mostly because Zayn wants this moment to last for as long as it possibly can. It’s the first time Liam has done so much as acknowledged his existence and Zayn is kind of beginning to think that Liam may just like what he sees.

Both Liam and Zayn’s hearts are beating faster and faster with every passing second. Liam can’t help but to wonder what is making him want to know this tarnished boy with the warm smile and honest looking eyes. Liam can’t seem to figure it out, but he doesn’t really care. He just wants to look.

“Liam?”

He doesn’t hear his name being called. All he can see is Zayn’s tongue licking over his lips as they spread into a real life smile.

“Liam.”

Someone else is calling for his attention, but Liam isn’t hearing any of it. Zayn’s lips are just so close to parting into a grin… just a little more and he’s there.

“Liam!”

A stocky boy shoves him so hard Liam almost loses his balance. He curses softly to himself because he know the asshole with the short temper made him break contact with that boy under the tree and, God Dammit, he probably missed his fucking smile.

“What do you want?” Liam hides his anger behind his soft tone. Zayn can’t hear what he’s saying, but he’s hoping it’s about him. He hopes Liam is telling everyone about how much he regrets not noticing him sooner.

“You were staring at that poor kid.”

Liam’s heart sinks a little at his friend’s choice in words. Zayn was far too pretty to be referred to as something as lowly as “poor kid.” He glances quickly toward the tree before returning his attention to his friends.

“No I wasn’t,” Liam defends to which everyone responds with an incredulous stare. Liam’s eyes dart around the courtyard and then he’s lying through his teeth. “I was looking at Sarah Coleman. She’s a fine bit of ass, isn’t she?”

Three of the boys in the group turn to look in Zayn’s direction and his heart actually skips a beat because maybe Liam did tell his friends all about him and how he’s finally noticed him. Maybe Liam talked about how good looking he was or how nice he must be. Maybe Liam told them all he was planning on talking with Zayn a little later because he honestly can’t believe it had taken so long to notice.

But all Zayn can really do is hope because Liam doesn’t actually have the balls to say any of that.

All three of the guys are gaping at the girl with the red hair and the belt length skirt. She doesn’t interest Liam in the slightest, but she was only standing a few yards away from Zayn so she was the easiest lie he could come up with.

“Dude!” One of the guys says, clapping Liam on the back. “She really is. I mean, look at those legs…”

Liam nods, feigning interest in the red head with the long legs as he makes a half-hearted comment on her tits to which the guys respond with hoots and hollers and obscene sexual grunting noises.

If only they knew. If only Liam had the guts to admit to it.

His eyes drift back toward Zayn and for the first time, Liam smiles; really smiles. It’s small, sure, and none of his teeth are showing but it’s true and that’s all that really matters in the long run. Zayn fidgets under Liam’s gaze because he’s really hoping now. He’s hoping that maybe, if he’s lucky, Liam will have the courage come over and sit with him.

“… Thought you were looking at the charity case,” one of the guys says breaking Liam’s train of thought.

The whole group breaks out into a fit of laughter and, in order to avoid suspicion, Liam has no choice but to join in as they continue to toss around insults and childish jokes. Inside Liam is cringing because, even though the words aren’t directed towards him, they hurt and he can’t help but to feel more than a little embarrassed.

“Why would I be staring at that fag?” Liam sneers and it pains him to say the word because, deep down, Liam knows that if they all knew the truth he’d be lumped into that very same category. As much as the word stings as it passes through his lips Liam knows he has no choice. He doesn’t want to be the lonely kid sitting alone at the edge of the playground because he was different; because he didn’t fit in. As dense as they are sometimes, Liam has friends and if he wants to keep them he has to play along because if they knew Liam would be tossed out like yesterday’s garbage and they would all point and laugh and call him names just as they’re doing to Zayn.

Zayn who sits under the tree hoping; hoping that Liam has just said something nice, something cool about him.

Zayn watches as the group surrounding Liam laughs and pats him on the back and he finds himself sitting a little taller when Liam chances a glance in his direction. He wonders what they’re saying, if they’re congratulating Liam on his newfound realization; if they’re encouraging him to walk on over and say hello. Various scenarios run through his mind causing him to smile even more as a newfound air of confidence begins to build up inside of him.

Too bad Liam will never see the grin that has made its way onto Zayn’s face because he’s too damned busy defending his pride.

But Zayn has hope.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Zayn had as much luck as he did hope, Liam would probably already be in his arms. But of course, life wouldn’t grant a scruffy teenager like Zayn Malik with such privilege.

It’s Halloween and its cold this year; perhaps even a bit too cold even though Liam kind of likes the feeling of a chill running up his spine every time he steps outside. It’s almost as if the sun had taken a vacation to an unknown corner of the universe and had decided to share its rays with other life forms while Liam was forced to shove his glove clad hands deep into the pockets of his coat just so his fingers didn’t spontaneously fall off.

When he looks up at the greying sky an icy wind blows over his face causing his cheeks to burn red and sting. He doesn’t want to imagine the way Zayn is feeling on the other side of the courtyard sitting on a frosty metal bench as the cold permeates the barrier his coat had created around his body. Zayn is sitting on the bench in nothing but a pair of jeans and a long sleeved sweater. He’d forgotten his jacket at home and didn’t have time to run back and get it before the bus left for school.

He doesn’t look as cold as Liam does though. His nose isn’t glowing red and his skin isn’t worryingly pale either. It’s surprisingly just as tan as it had been when school had started. He’s probably used to the cold which makes Liam sadder than he’d realized it would. It makes him wonder if Zayn had ever had a thick jacket like his own to keep him warm. Liam wonders if Zayn has a fireplace to curl up in front of while he drank hot chocolate and went over his history notes.

Probably not… and then Liam doesn’t want to think about it anymore.

A bell rings and everyone begins to pack up their things and rush toward the doors that lead back into the warm confines of the school. Liam slings his backpack over his shoulder and begins to pull his gloves from his fingers before shoving them into his jacket pocket. The faces around him blur. It’s funny because all of them, all of these faces, are nothing more than that; faces. And yet they all probably know his name, his story, what he did last weekend. They all know Liam Payne, and yet he can’t even identify them with something as simple as a first name.

First period is math.

It’s only a short walk down the hall from where the main doors to the school are located so Liam doesn’t bother with rushing to get to class on time. He finds his friends sitting in their regular seats. His spot is still empty, waiting for him to slide into the chair next to the blonde who has been eyeing him for a little over a month now. She smiles and waggles her fingers when she spots Liam standing in the doorway. He can’t help but to feel a little sick when she pats his desk and tells him to have a seat, they were just talking about the party later on tonight.

Liam’s lips curve up into an involuntary, almost robotic, grin as he crosses the room at takes his seat. The blonde – Ashley – places a hand on his shoulder and asks if he’d figured a costume out yet.

“No,” Liam mutters, shrugging off his backpack and placing it on his desk. “Not yet. I don’t even know if I’m going to dress up.”

Ashley pouts and places her hands in her lap before looking up at Liam through her lashes. “I was going to say we could do something together. They had these matching costumes at that shop downtown. A few of them were pretty cute.”

Her voice is so hopeful and Liam knows she’s hitting on him; knows she’s trying to get him to show up with her at the party so everyone will think they’re hooking up. He knows all of this and yet he can’t make himself say “no” because he doesn’t want to take the risk. He wants these people with their fake smiles and stupid jokes to like him. He wants to fit in and any guy who was in their right mind wouldn’t turn down Ashley Greene.

“Sure,” Liam says nodding his head. “Let’s check the shop out after school.”

Ashley’s lips curve up into a grin as she leans over her desk to wrap her eyes around Liam’s shoulders. “We’re going to look so cute together; you just wait and see,” she whispers and her lips are brushing against his neck. Liam only wraps his arms loosely around her waist and wonders if she’s managed to leave any lip gloss on his skin and – if she has – if it would be completely rude of him to wipe it off.

Everyone at school is talking about this Halloween party. All of the people lucky enough to have been invited are talking about what they’ll be wearing, who they’re showing up with, wondering if anyone will be bringing along any booze. The girls are bragging about their costumes, talking about how sexy they’re going to look and just how badly some guy is going to want them. All of it goes over Liam’s head when the girls in his circle of friends compare costumes. The prospect of seeing a whole bunch of teenaged girls in small clothing doesn’t really excite him, but he manages to pretend to be interested while offering small words of encouragement by telling the girls that he’s sure they’ll look great.

Liam hates the way he becomes interested when he overhears the guys talking about their costumes. One of his friends is dressing up as a gladiator, another as Tarzan and Liam can’t help but to picture them in their costumes; all long lines and tanned muscle. He hates how the idea of his friend Joshua in nothing but a loin cloth excites him more than a visual of a group of girls fanning over him wearing barely there lingerie and animal ears. 

Liam wraps his arms around himself as he settles further into his seat at the table he and his friends had claimed at the beginning of the lunch period. Across the yard he can see Zayn settled beneath a tree writing notes into a small note pad.

As much as he’d hate to admit to it, Liam has been seeing a lot of Zayn ever since that day he’d noticed him at near the beginning of the school year. Granted, he hasn’t allowed himself to acknowledge the boy’s presence for more than a few short seconds in fear of his friends catching him staring. Something about the boy peeked Liam’s interest though and that bothered him.

Liam wanted to know more about the boy sitting under the tree. He wanted to know what made him smile; what made him laugh. He wanted to know where he came from and where he wanted to go; his hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Liam wanted to learn his favorite color and his favorite songs. He wanted to know if he enjoyed reading and, if he did, which books he loved most.

Liam wanted to know everything there was to know; he wanted to know Zayn better than he knew himself.

He’s still itching to catch that smile he missed the last time he’d openly watched Zayn. He’s almost caught a few times two, but whenever Zayn meets his gaze Liam loses all his nerve and averts his eyes because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s looking. He doesn’t want to admit that his stomach flutters at the mere thought of the kid with the tousled hair and sun kissed skin.

Occasionally Liam will see Zayn in the hallways. Zayn’s lips will curve, but only slightly, and his eyes will beam up at Liam in a silent hello. Liam tells himself that Zayn could be smiling at anyone. One of his friends could be walking directly behind him and Zayn could simply be smiling over his shoulder, but Liam knows that isn’t the case. He’s seen Zayn in English scribbling notes onto the paper while the teacher lectures. Sometimes, when Liam walks in a few seconds before the bell, Zayn will look up from his desk and whisper a small hello with his eyes before blushing and returning his attention to his notebook.

Liam can’t stand the way his mind defaults to Zayn when it isn’t racing with thoughts of a status quo and fitting in. He hates that it’s so much more than thinking Zayn is pretty. He hates that his heart nearly skips a beat when he thinks about joining Zayn under that tree and asking him about his day; of holding hands and not caring what people think of him. He hates that it’s something he wants, but cannot allow himself to have.

He’s exhausted when he returns home from the costume shop. Ashley had decided on going as a sexy cowgirl and dressing Liam up as her cowboy boyfriend. If he was being honest, he really didn’t care. It just meant that he didn’t have to worry about buying much more than a cowboy hat and a few extra accessories that Ashley picked out for him. He hadn’t been in the mood to exert all the energy it took to try on costumes with her.

When he’d dropped her off at her house Ashley had leaned over the center console of his car and whispered something about not being able to wait to spend the night with him. The thought alone of spending a night with Ashley Greene set his nerves on edge. He wasn’t sure if he could handle it. Arriving with her at the party was a task within itself when it meant that he had to feign interest in her. He wasn’t entirely positive about what she wanted from him, but he had a pretty good idea and Liam wasn’t sure if he’d be able to live up to her expectations.

The mere idea of bringing a girl home; of leading her up to his room and laying her out across his bed, of touching her in ways Liam had only become acquainted with when it came to himself and his right hand…

It wasn’t something he wanted to think about.

Liam had been thinking a lot lately since he’d noticed Zayn under that tree in September. Ever since he’d seen him and watched as his friends pointed at him and listened as they laughed at his shabby appearance Liam has questioned exactly what he was doing with himself. He’s wondered exactly what it was that was so great about the people he associated with; why he was so desperate to fit into the mold they’d cut out for him, why he worked so hard to wear the right clothes and say the right things and laugh at all the right jokes.

Just as his thoughts become all too overwhelming his phone buzzes in his pocket and it’s Ashley asking when he plans on picking her up. He types back a quick response telling her he’s on his way before slipping on the cowboy boots she insisted he bought at the costume shop.

He doesn’t think when he makes the short drive to her house, nor does he think when she slides into the passenger’s seat wearing a dress that barely covers her ass and smiles something a little less than innocent. For the most part Liam is on autopilot because he honestly doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. He’s doesn’t understand the reason for his actions or why the things he’d worked so hard to obtain are so important to him.

When they reach the house the party is being held at Ashley turns to him smiles before saying something about being excited and how everyone is going to think they look good together. She’d been talking about some other couples who had done matching costumes (something about mickey and Minnie and then another couple who was going as a prince and a princess) but theirs were better so it didn’t really matter. Liam had only grunted back a short response, mumbling about Ashley doing a good job about picking out their costumes.

Inside, the music is loud. Liam had been able to hear it from outside the house, but inside his ears is ringing and he can feel the vibrations from the base shooting through his entire body. Ashley looks right at home, clinging to Liam’s arm and grinning at everyone as if she’d won first prize in a beauty contest. Liam has to admit she looks nice. Granted, he doesn’t feel as if he wants to toss her onto a bed just before having his way with her but she is beautiful. He imagines if things were different, if he didn’t feel the urge to run his fingers of the smooth planes of another boy’s skin, he might want to take Ashley out and show her that she’s more than just a pretty face with golden hair and a smile straight out of a toothpaste commercial.

The time seems to pass by in a painfully slow manner. There is only so much small talk and cheap beer that Liam can handle. He’s constantly surrounded by a group of people with Ashley holding on to his arm at all times. Some of the faces he recognizes – a girl from his science class here, a boy from math there – but for the most part they are just like the faces who smile at him in the hallways. He doesn’t know or understand why they feel the need to crowd, to get a look at him, to say hello. Liam is just a guy – a person – like the rest of them. He’s nothing special.

When everything feels as if it’s becoming too much Liam makes an excuse about going to the bathroom. Ashley lets go of his arm, her fingers brushing over Liam’s skin before fluttering across his wrist and falling to her side. She offers a coy smile and tells him to hurry back, her eyes flicking toward the stairs in a silent invitation to a private party in one of the many bedrooms on the second floor. Liam swallows hard and nods his head before pretending to head toward the bathroom and ducking out the front door.

He’s been walking for about ten minutes, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of the jacket he’d grabbed from the backseat of his car, when Liam stops by the park. He stands across the street admiring the dark beauty of the trees and the shadows creating by the jungle gym situated in the center of the grounds. The place seems to be more frightening at night, or it could have something to do with the fact that it’s Halloween.

It’s then that he sees the figure settled on the ground beneath a tree. Liam wouldn’t have thought much of it if it didn’t remind him so much of the boy he’d made a habit of watching at lunch. He squints from where he’s standing across the street, but he can’t make out a face in the shadows. Biting down on his lower lip, Liam quickly looks both ways before jogging across the street.

He stops at the sidewalk and thinks about closing the short between himself and the tree, but Liam can’t seem to gather up the nerve to do it. He wants nothing more than to sit beside Zayn like he’s thought of doing a handful of times when he’s standing around in the courtyard at school, but even now, within the confines of the shadows and the cool of the night, he can’t bring himself to do it.

With a sigh, Liam makes his way toward the swing set next to the jungle gym. He has to pass Zayn by on the way and his heart speeds up a bit because he wonders if Zayn recognizes him as well. Liam is sure he does because Zayn only smiles at him every time he catches so much as a glimpse of Liam’s face, but he isn’t so sure that Zayn will actually do anything about it.

Liam plants himself into one of the swings and takes hold of the chains before swaying himself back and forth. It’s a surprisingly calming feeling, swinging, and Liam can’t help but to laugh at the thought of enjoying such a childish activity. He can’t even remember the last time he’d been on a swing. He can’t remember the last time he did something he actually enjoyed.

His mind is drifting when the body situates itself in the seat next to him. Liam turns his head and Zayn is swinging back and forth on the swing adjacent to his own, a small smile on his lips as he eyes Liam.

“Hi.”

Zayn’s voice is soft, softer than Liam had expected it to be, and it’s warm and inviting and for some reason it makes Liam feel safe and slightly less alone.

“Hey.” 

There is a short silence during which Zayn takes the time to drink in Liam’s appearance up close. He’d always known Liam was beautiful but seeing him up close like this was almost surreal. Zayn was surprised he had managed to work up the courage to actually cross the yard and join Liam at the swing sets. Usually he would spend all of his time under a tree wishing and willing he had the courage to do so. He’d lean against the trunk and day dream about taking Liam’s hand and introducing himself, of Liam grinning back and telling him his own name in return.

Perhaps his sudden burst of courage had something to do with the darkness and the lack of onlookers in the park. Maybe it was because Liam was all alone this time and Zayn didn’t have to worry about the judgmental looks he more than likely would have received from Liam’s so called friends. 

“I’m Zayn.”

Liam is jerked out of his own thoughts by the introduction. He turns to the boy sitting next to him and places the name to the face. It fits, he thinks. Zayn. There is just something about him, something exotic in his appearance that makes his name seem obvious; like it couldn’t have been anything different.

“Liam,” he responds.

Zayn nods. “I know.”

“How?”

Zayn can’t help the laugh that pushes past his lips as he tightens his grip on the chains to his swing. He uses his feet to push himself off of the ground and sets up a steady swinging rhythm, his legs pumping him higher into the air. He turns to Liam and his eyes are bright and slightly questioning when he says “Everyone knows you.”

Liam chuckles. “I doubt that’s true.”

He can’t help the bit of joy that swells up in his chest at the thought of everyone knowing his name. While he doesn’t necessarily like his friends and finds their conversation pointless and slightly absurd, it feels good to know that he is accepted; that people want to know his name. He likes feeling important.

Zayn stops himself on the swing. “It is.”

Liam cocks his head to the side as he takes in Zayn’s appearance. He’s wearing a pair of faded jeans and a thin long sleeved shirt, nothing warm enough to shield him from the cool night air. His hair is just as disheveled as it always is, but Liam can’t shake the idea of how absolutely pretty this boy which doesn’t fain to unnerve him.

“I see you at lunch all the time,” Liam says. “Sitting under that tree in the courtyard.”

Zayn blushes and ducks his head. He nervously rubs at the back of his neck because he isn’t quite sure of what to say. He’d been wondering if Liam had noticed him. Zayn had hoped, but he wasn’t sure. Now that he knows that Liam has noticed, he wonders what he thinks. If he minds that Zayn loves spending his lunch hour watching Liam interact with his friends. If he knows that Zayn counts the number of times Liam throws his head back and laughs at a particularly funny joke or if Liam is aware of the fact that Zayn is just itching for him to meet his eyes just once instead of turning his attention elsewhere whenever they almost get the chance.

Instead Zayn shy glances toward Liam from the corner of his eye and says “You do?”

Liam chuckles and nods his head, not bothering with much more of a response to the question. “How come you’re not at the party?” He asks and then quickly wishes that he hasn’t because he already knows the answer.

Zayn shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t seem bothered at all, which Liam is grateful for. “Wasn’t invited. It’s not like I would have gone anyways.”

Liam furrows his brow. “Why not?”

Zayn’s laugh is light and airy and knowing in a way that doesn’t fail to make Liam’s heart flutter. “In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have many friends, Liam. Nobody at school is itching to invite me to a party.” He pauses before adding “Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to afford a costume anyways.”

Liam presses his lips together, instantly feeling bad for bringing anything up at all. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

Zayn smiles and shakes his head. “I’m not upset about it, Liam. It’s just the way things are.”

One look at him and Liam can tell that Zayn is telling the truth; that he isn’t bothered by his lack of friends and opportunity. Zayn is simply making the most out of what he has and he’s perfectly okay.

“Why aren’t you at the party? I’m sure everyone is wondering why you’ve run off to.”

Liam chuckles. “I was there but… I don’t know. I just didn’t want to be anymore, you know?”

Zayn nods as a shiver runs up his spine causing him to wrap his arms around himself in a lame attempt to shield himself from the cold. “… Should have brought my jacket,” he mumbles to himself.

Without thinking, Liam shrugs off his hoodie and hands it over to Zayn. He has another one in his car and he’s almost certain that Zayn doesn’t have anything decent waiting for him back at home. “Here,” he says. “Take this.”

Zayn’s eyes widen at the offer and he shakes his head almost instantly. “No; I couldn’t. What about—”

Liam pushes the jacket into Zayn’s lap. “I have another one back in my car at the party. It’s fine, really. Take it.”

Zayn looks down at the jacket in his lap and then back at Liam who is staring blankly at the empty expanse of the park ahead of him. He wants to pick up the jacket and hold it close, inhale and memorize the scent of the boy next to him which is probably imbedded deep within the fabric of the hoodie. Zayn had only ever hoped of being so close to Liam and now it was actually happening.

“Thanks.”

Liam shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it.”

They sit in silence for a while longer, Liam thinking about exactly what it was he had just done. Never in his life did he think he’d be giving up his jacket to a kid he barely knew. To be honest, Liam hadn’t thought much of it. He just couldn’t stand to see Zayn sitting out in the cold in nothing more than a thin shirt and a pair of ratty old jeans. Liam didn’t know why he cared so much.

“I should probably get going,” Liam states, pushing himself off of the swing. “They’re probably wondering where I ran off to.”

Zayn nods, looking down at the jacket that was still sitting in his lap. “Are you sure you don’t want this back?” He asks. “I don’t—”

Liam nods even though a part of him wonders if it’s a good idea to let Zayn keep his jacket. Would he wear it to school? And if he did would people notice? Would his friends? He’s almost positive that his friends might and if they did Liam wasn’t sure what they would say or do about it.

But then Zayn is looking at him with these wide hopeful eyes and Liam doesn’t have the heart to take it back.

“Yeah. It’s no big deal,” Liam says against his better judgment. He runs a nervous hand through his hair and glances around the park. “But I gotta get going…”

“Yeah, okay,” Zayn says. “Thanks again.”

Liam lingers for a little while longer, unsure of whether or not there was something else he should say or do. When his presence becomes more awkward than necessary he offers a small wave before beginning his walk back to the party.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Zayn had as much luck as he did hope, Liam would probably already be in his arms. But of course, life wouldn’t grant a scruffy teenager like Zayn Malik with such privilege.

“Don’t forget to make up that Christmas list!”

Zayn pauses by the door at the sound of his mother’s voice from the kitchen. He adjusts his backpack on his shoulder and sighs because he’d been trying to avoid this. He didn’t want to make up a Christmas list, didn’t want to have to deal with writing down things that would cost his parents money that he and they both knew they didn’t have. 

Zayn turns to look at his mother. He can see her placing a few pieces of toasts onto two plates of scrambled eggs that his sisters would be digging into in a few minutes. She looks up when she sees his eyes and shakes her head.

“No, Zayn,” she says. “I won’t be having any of that. You’re making that list whether you like it or not.”

He looks at the small Christmas tree situated in the corner of the living room. It’s small and you can’t see it through the living room window if you were to peer into their apartment from the outside, but it’s something. He remembers sitting on the couch doing his math homework while he watched his little sisters cover the small tree in garland and homemade ornaments. He can still hear their laughter as they draped the red and green decorations around each other’s necks and pretended that the ornaments they’d made at school were earrings. When he’d looked back at his mother he remembers seeing her eyes wet with tears and he couldn’t quite tell if she was happy or sad or a little bit of both. 

Looking at her now he knows that she only wants to try and make Christmas special for them all. She wants them to have the tree and the decorations and the beautiful presents underneath. His mother is hopeful and she’s asking him to be as well. 

“I’ll make you a list as soon as I get home, okay?” Zayn says, reaching for the doorknob. 

His mom smiles as she places his sisters’ breakfast on the table. “Thanks sweetheart.”

Zayn only smiles in return as he opens the door and steps out into the hallway.

When he’s outside waiting by the bust stop Zayn instinctively tugs at the sleeves to the hoodie Liam had given him that night on Halloween. It isn’t doing a whole lot to keep him warm considering its borderline freezing outside, but it’s a lot better than braving the winter in nothing but a thin cotton T-shirt. 

He still remembers the night Liam had given it to him; he remembers the entire five to ten minutes they’d spent talking at the swing set. Zayn still isn’t sure how he had managed to work up the nerves to approach Liam, but he was glad that he had because now Liam knew who he was. 

They hadn’t really spoken since then, but Zayn has noticed that whenever they pass each other by in the halls Liam will smile at him and sometimes even go as far to offer Zayn a small wave of his hand. 

It’s strange, really, Liam knowing him. Sure, he doesn’t know much about Zayn. All he really knows is that he doesn’t have many friends and that he spends his lunch periods curled up underneath a tree in the courtyard, but it was something; it was progress. 

When the bus arrives, Zayn quietly climbs on and offers a quiet hello to the driver before taking his usual seat near the back. None of the other kids really pay him much attention when he sits down and promptly focuses his attention on the window and the world on the other side of the glass. 

His mind unsurprisingly drifts back to Liam and what he might be doing at that very moment. He wonders if his parents have him make Christmas lists and what Liam might ask for if they do. He imagines their tree being large and excessively decorated. He can see countless numbers of presents littering the base of the tree and a warm fireplace with stocking stuffed with candy canes and small gifts handing over the mantle. Zayn can imagine his mother, a beautiful woman with Liam’s eyes and warm smile, placing a tray of cookies and a glass of milk on a small table on Christmas Eve and teasing Liam by telling him not to eat them. 

“These are for Santa,” she might say as she pinches his cheeks to which Liam will probably groan and roll his eyes, but his smile will be a little more than obvious. 

He imagines Liam being happy and loved and even though Zayn doesn’t have the expensive trees and the lavish gifts he’s glad that Liam does and hopes he is as happy as he pictures him to be.  

+

Liam shrugs on his coat as he approaches the front door. He can hear his mother grabbing her purse and her car keys from the kitchen before her voice sounds from down the hall.

“You ready Liam?” She asks as she rounds the corner, smoothing down her hair. 

Liam nods before turning around to open the door. He catches a glimpse of the giant Christmas tree his mother had insisted on buying and decorating a few days ago. Liam couldn’t help but to hate the gaudy ornaments and the obscene amount of presents that had already begun to take over the living room floor. The tree was nice, he supposed, and it made the house appear a little warmer but he couldn’t help but to wish for something a little smaller; a little less obnoxious. 

He knew it was all for show. He knew his mother only put it up and made sure there were more than enough presents to keep underneath it so that when people came over they could “ooh” and “ahh” over how gorgeous their living room was. His family had appearances to uphold. 

He remembers the way Christmas had been for him when he was younger; before his father had gotten a big time job and an ego to match it. He remembers the small tree his mother would set up in the living room and how she would bring him a stool to stand on so he could place the star on the top. 

There weren’t nearly as many presents and he didn’t always get exactly what he asked for, but Liam remembers being happy with that; remembers it being enough just to have his parents and the security of knowing that his family was there. 

On the ride to school Liam catches a glimpse of the school bus and the face of a boy staring out the window. He instantly recognizes the face as Zayn’s and he can’t help but to smile as he spots the sleeve of his hoodie wrapped around the hand Zayn has pressed against his lips.

Zayn had been wearing the hoodie a lot since that Halloween. Liam had seen him in it nearly every day since he’d handed it over in the park. At first, the frequency of its wear had made Liam feel on edge, like one of his friends would notice Zayn wearing it and possibly ask him “how the poor kid had gotten ahold of his jacket” but nobody said anything. Nobody really seemed to notice him at all, really, and while that made Liam feel a little more at ease it also unnerved him. 

No one at school seemed to notice Zayn’s presence. He was practically a ghost floating through the halls from classroom to classroom. Liam didn’t know all that much about the kid, but he knew enough to draw the conclusion that he was someone who deserved to be acknowledged so he took the time to smile, and sometimes even wave, whenever he passed Zayn by in the hallways.

On more than one occasion Liam had thought about inviting Zayn to have lunch with his friends or about walking with him to English just so Zayn would have someone to talk to, even if it was only for a short period of time. But then he would remember the way his friends had regarded Zayn that day he’d almost been caught staring near the beginning of the year and he knew it wasn’t a good idea. Liam would never hear the end of it if anyone caught him socializing with Zayn.

He knew it was shallow and he hated himself for even thinking such things about boy who was so sweet and smart and probably so much better than himself, but Liam couldn’t chance losing his friends. Losing this sense of acceptance he’d been yearning to achieve for as long as he could remember. 

When he gets to school Ashley is already waiting for him by his locker. He isn’t sure when it happened, or how it happened for that matter, but somehow Liam has managed to work his way into a relationship with her. She smiles when she sees him and immediately takes hold of his free hand as Liam twists in the combination to his locker.

Liam doesn’t really pay her much attention as Ashley prattles on and on about things Liam can’t even bring himself to understand let alone care about enough to listen to. She seems happy enough to have someone to talk at though, so Liam simply smiles and nods along with the conversation as he shoves his books into his locker making sure that he hangs on to the one he needs for math.

“… is coming up after break so we should start getting ready to campaign if we want any shot at winning,” Ashley says as Liam closes his locker.

Liam turns to face her and furrows his brow. “Campaign?” He asks.

Ashley’s lips quirk upwards into a smile as she shakes her head fondly. She lets go of Liam’s hand to adjust the collar to his jacket before smoothing down his shirt and linking their arms. “Prom?” She says as if it should have been obvious. “We need to start thinking about campaign strategies if we want to win. There are plenty of established couples out there who will more than likely be running and while people love you and people undoubtedly love me, we’re still fairly new. People like long term and, well, that’s something we’re lacking at the moment.”

Liam only hums in response as they work their way through the hall toward their math class. Prom had never even crossed his mind and now he was apparently running for prom king with a girl he’d fallen into a relationship with. 

“I was thinking I could come over after school today so we could talk about a few things?” Ashley suggests as they take to their seats.

“Isn’t it a little early for all of this? Prom isn’t even until April.”

“That’s only a little over four months from now, Liam,” Ashley says with a knowing laugh. “And we still have to think of color coordination for our outfits and poster ideas…” 

Liam begins to tune her out once more as he leaned back into his seat. Everything seemed to grow more and more pointless and mundane as the days passed him by. His life was becoming a sea of prom ideas and dumb dick jokes made by a bunch of guys he really didn’t care to be around. When he really thought about it the last meaningful conversation he’d had with another person had been the one he’d shared with Zayn in the park on Halloween and that had only lasted a little over five minutes.

Dragging a hand over his face, Liam sighs as a sudden feeling of exhaustion washes over him. “Fine…” he mumbles, looking toward Ashley as the rest of his friends enter the classroom. “After school is fine.”

Ashley grins as she presses a quick kiss to Liam’s lips. “Great. Maybe we can go out for dinner in the city later too?” she suggested.

Liam shakes his head. “I don’t have my car.”

“Why not?”

“My dad said something about the tires and snow and… I don’t know. I should have it back this weekend.”

“Sucks…” Ashley replies with a pout as she crosses her arms over her chest.

Liam chooses to ignore her disappointment as the teacher takes the front of the classroom. 

+

Zayn doesn’t get a good look at Liam until English. Liam enters the classroom just before the bell rings and, just as he’d always done since Halloween, offers Zayn a small smile before taking his seat. Zayn thinks about being brave enough to wave in response, but by the time he decides this could be a good idea Liam has already trained his attention to the front of the room and the moment is gone. 

“Well, let’s talk winter projects, shall we?” Their teacher begins.

She goes on to explain technicalities revolving around the project. Each group will receive a book to focus on over the break. They will all have to read the book and come up with a common theme to discuss in a five to ten minute presentation for the class. They’ll need to find concrete evidence supporting the theme they came up with and…

Zayn stopped paying attention to what the teacher was saying because he’d realized this was a group project. Not only was he nervous about the prospect of working with other kids, of the inevitable possibility of being made fun of or ignored, but he was also hopeful. He was hopeful because this meant he could get paired up with Liam. His chances were slim, but Zayn couldn’t help but to hope that it would happen. It would only force Liam to get to know him; to like him and want to be his friend. 

“So, why don’t we get you all paired off?” 

Zayn’s ears perked up when the teacher began to read off the names of the predetermined pairs and the book they would be focusing on. He waits as each group of names was read off of a list and each time Liam’s name doesn’t slip past his teacher’s lips his chest grows a little tighter and his hope a little stronger. 

“… and then we have Zayn and Liam with _Great Expectations_.” 

Zayn’s heart feels like it could swell and burst. It may have been a little childish, being so excited over a group project, but it meant that he’d be able to spend time with Liam, to talk with him and allow the boy to get to know him. A midnight chat in a park on Halloween a few months in the past was great, but they hadn’t really shared much with one another. And, sure, Liam had given Zayn his jacket but he hadn’t said anything about it since.

This was Zayn’s opportunity to know Liam, to really know him, and to allow Liam to do the same with him. Zayn could show Liam how special he really thought he was. It was what Zayn has been waiting for since he’d laid eyes on Liam and it wasn’t an opportunity he was willing to waste or to take lightly. 

Zayn had just mustered up enough courage to turn his head and hopefully meet Liam’s gaze when the bell goes off and the class starts to pack up their belongings. The teacher reminds them to meet up with their partners to discuss times in which they can meet up to work on the project before giving them all the go ahead to leave the room. 

Zayn puts his notebook away before zipping up his backpack and swinging it over his shoulder. He catches sight of Liam leaving the class and rushes toward the door so he can speak to him before he gets out of earshot.

“Liam?” He calls out once he’s a few feet away from the door.

Liam turns and sees Zayn, a smile finding his lips as he offers up a small wave. “Hey.”

“I just wanted to—the project,” Zayn says. He feels a blush creeping onto his cheeks and he ducks his head before Liam has the chance to notice it. 

“Oh I uh… Did you want – ” Liam is cut off by a blond sneaking her arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his neck. He turns to look at her and forces a smile before mumbling a hello.

“Ready to go? My dad said I can borrow the car tonight so we can go for dinner.”

Zayn awkwardly shifts his weight from one foot to the other as Liam agrees to the invitation. He can’t help but to notice the level of disinterest in Liam’s tone when he acquiesces and wonders just how happy Liam really is. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes when Ashley makes a joke and he seems relieved when she releases the grip she had on his waist so she can retrieve a piece of gum from her bag. 

“Did you need something?” 

Zayn is ripped from his thoughts at the sound of Ashley’s voice and is even more surprised to learn that she is speaking to him. “Wha—huh?” 

“What are you slow or something? You’ve been standing around listening to our conversation for the past five minutes; do you need something?” She’s looking at Zayn as if he’s stupid as she waits for a response.

“I… Liam and I are partnered up for our winter project I was just—”

Zayn isn’t sure of how to answer the question. Nobody ever really addresses him at school and when they do whatever they’re saying doesn’t usually require a response. Zayn looks up at Liam and silently asks him for some help, for him to explain to Ashley what was happening and that they were kind of friends, that Zayn isn’t just some nobody trying to gain the attention of a boy who is way out of his league.

But Liam doesn’t even grant Zayn the gesture of meeting his gaze. He actually goes so far as to avoid it as he reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. Feeling a sudden rush of boldness, Zayn cranes his neck and forces his eyes to find Liam’s and he can’t help but to notice the fear and discomfort he finds in them.  

Ashley scoffs when Zayn doesn’t finish his sentence and grabs Liam’s hand. “Well, Liam can’t talk right now we have plans for dinner so he’ll deal with you later.”

And then she’s dragging him down the hall talking about how “that kids needs to get off his nuts” and then moving on to their plans for some overprice restaurant Zayn had only ever heard about on television. None of that really bothers Zayn though. What really hurts is that Liam doesn’t do so much as to offer Zayn a backward glance as he’s dragged down the hallway leaving Zayn to feel more alone and rejected than ever.


	4. Chapter Four

Zayn is sitting under the tree at lunch picking at the crusts of a sandwich when he feels Liam standing a few feet away from him. At first he thinks its mere coincidence; perhaps Liam is waiting for a friend. Maybe he doesn’t even realize Zayn is sitting there because, honestly, why would he? He hardly even knows Zayn exists. He made that clear in the hallway after English.

But then Liam is looking down at where Zayn is sitting under the tree and, speaking in a voice loud enough for Zayn’s ears only, says “Hey.”

Zayn looks up, his eyes a little wider than usual. “Are you talking to me?” He asks.

Liam nods and then laughs lightly to himself as he surveys the courtyard. “Yeah. Who else would I be talking to? You’re the only one within earshot.”

Zayn stares down at his sandwich and picks at the bread. Under normal circumstances he’d be delighted, overjoyed even, to know that Liam was talking to him but today he didn’t feel either of those things. If anything, he was still hurt by the way Liam had practically ignored him that day in the hallway. He was still embarrassed at the way Ashley had regarded him and the way in which he had placed blind faith in Liam’s almost friendship with him. Perhaps Zayn had read to deeply into the secret waves and smiles that Liam had given him in passing since Halloween Maybe there had been some cooler, more important boy standing behind Zayn every time he ran into Liam at school.

Perhaps Halloween had been a fluke and there wasn’t any sort of friendship between them at all.

But then Zayn looks up at the boy standing over him and he sees a smile that is almost reaching Liam’s eyes and he knows none of that could be true. Liam was good and kind and warm. Even if that day in the hallway had been far less than ideal, there has to be an explanation because Liam isn’t cruel. It simply isn’t in his nature.

“You okay?” Liam asks. He’s still smiling, but his eyes are filled with concern due to Zayn’s silence.

Zayn nods and tosses his half eaten sandwich into the brown paper bag he’d packed it in. “Yeah,” he says. “I was just uh… I was just thinking about something.”

Liam nods and glances toward the tables where his friends are beginning to gather. “Hey uh… I actually needed to talk to you for a minute. Is that okay?”

Zayn raises his brows. “To me?” He clarifies.

“Yeah. About the project? For class,” Liam explains. “And something else, but—do you have time?”

All Zayn really has is time. Its lunch and it isn’t as if he has anyone waiting to hang out with him for the rest of the free period. “Sure. Yeah; I have time.”

Liam sighs and leans against the tree. “Good.”

There’s a pause where Zayn waits for Liam to continue, but Liam isn’t sure of where to start. He still feels bad about what had happened after class with Ashley, but he doesn’t really know how to apologize or explain his behavior without potentially hurting Zayn’s feelings. How is he supposed to tell him that he doesn’t want to be seen with him; can’t be seen with him? Just talking to him right now could do major damage to his appearance. Sure, he could tell his friends he was only talking to Zayn about the project but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to be hanging out with him even more over the break. It doesn’t change the fact that Liam kind of wants to hang out with him over the break.

It scares Liam how much this concerns him. If it had been anyone else, he would have told the kid to do the project himself or that they could email the work back and forth; anything to avoid physical contact because people like Liam didn’t hang out with kids like Zayn. But Liam didn’t want to do that to Zayn. He didn’t want to see the dejected look on Zayn’s pretty face because it would hurt him too much. He wanted to make Zayn smile, he wanted to learn about him and get to know him inside and out. He wanted to know the touch of his fingertips, the feel of Zayn’s breath against his neck…

“…talk about?”

Liam turned to the voice interrupting his thoughts to see Zayn eyeing him carefully. “Huh?”

“I was uh.. I was just asking what you wanted to talk about? You went quiet all of the sudden.”

“Oh! Yeah,” Liam replied. “I was just uh… we should set something up or… I don’t know.” Liam is flustered as he rubs anxiously at the back of his neck. He doesn’t know what to do or say. Zayn makes him nervous in a way nobody really has before. He’s never felt the urge to make someone like him so much. Not like this at least. Every day he works to gain the approval of his peers. He tries to say and do the right things, to know the right people and to laugh at all the right jokes but… this – Zayn – is different.

Liam wants Zayn to like  _him._

But the whole problem with this goal of Liam’s is that Liam doesn’t even know who that is.

“I tried talking to you about that before,” Zayn says, his tone a little bitter. He immediately feels a little bad for sounding so harsh, for taking out his hurt and anger on Liam, but Liam seems to immediately understand and Zayn decides not to dwell on it.

“I know,” Liam replies. “And… I wanted to apologize for that.”

Liam avoids all chances at eye contact as he says this and it’s then that Zayn realizes that Liam might be just as nervous as he is. He doesn’t know why because Liam is so… well, Liam. He’s confident and friendly and everyone likes him so what reason would he have to be nervous? Whatever the reason was, Zayn didn’t know, but he figured it was good enough to know that they were in the same boat.

“It’s okay,” he says.

Liam shakes his head. “No. It’s not. I just….” He sinks down to the ground beside Zayn and rests his elbows against his knees. “It’s just not, okay? I don’t really have an explanation for my behavior but I’m sorry okay?”

“Okay.”

Liam is about to say something else when he sees that his friends have noticed him talking to Zayn. His face instantly goes hot and he wonders if it’s a good idea to stay, if leaving right now would make him a hypocrite because he’s only just apologized for walking away from Zayn in a situation very similar to the one he’s in now.

“So you wanted to talk about the project?” Zayn asks trying to change the subject because Liam apologizing had begun to feel like a heavy topic.

Liam swallows and tries to avoid the eyes of his friends from across the yard. “Y-yeah. Um… I was just thinking that we should uh… you know, figure out….”

When Liam trails off Zayn follows his gaze and notices the blond staring at them across the yard. He knows it’s the same girl from before along with a few other kids he knows Liam hangs out with. Zayn’s heart sinks because he knows Liam must be feeling uncomfortable. Zayn likes to hope that Liam’s friends would like him; that Liam would want them to know that they are friends but he’s also beginning to realize that maybe that’s not the case.

Maybe Liam is a little embarrassed because, when it comes down to it, Zayn isn’t cool and he never has been. Kids aren’t lining up to be his friend and while Zayn has come to accept that maybe Liam isn’t so comfortable.

But Liam smiles at him and he seems to want to be Zayn’s friend so maybe that’s enough. That’s the main thing Zayn has been hoping for and it’s happening so perhaps he should take what he can get.

“Go ahead,” Zayn says his voice small.

Liam tears his eyes away from Ashley’s and looks at Zayn. “huh?”

Zayn nods and forces a smile even though kind of hurts to tell Liam to leave. “Go with your friends. It’s okay; I get it.”

“Get what?” Liam asks even though he knows exactly what Zayn is saying.

He knows. He knows Liam is ashamed and he’s saying its okay. His friends are still staring, Liam can feel it, but he ignores it as he takes in the forced smile on Zayn’s mouth. It’s nowhere near as bright as the one he’d seen that first time he’d noticed Zayn and Liam can tell right away that it probably isn’t even real.

Liam feels guilty because Zayn is just so undeniably good and Liam is doing nothing but fucking him over.

He’s just about to tell Zayn that it’s okay; he has a few minutes to work out a schedule for working on the project when Zayn pushes himself to his feet and dusts some of the snow off of his pants. “Go hang out with your friends, Liam,” he says with a smile. “I have uh… I have some things to take care of in the library anyways.”

Zayn shrugs his shoulders as if it’s no big deal. But Liam has a feeling that Zayn is hoping Liam will tell him to stay; that his friends can wait. Zayn is standing there with wide eyes that are pleading for him to do something, anything, to show that he cares as much as he seems to let on.

And Liam is just about to do it to. He’s just about to tell Zayn that he’ll go with him to the library and they can talk there while Zayn does whatever it is he needs to take care of. Liam’s just about to work the words out of his mouth when he hears one of his friends, David maybe, call out his name.

Liam twists to get a view of his friends and the guys are waving him over and Ashley is perched on a bench waggling her fingers in what she probably conceives to be a seductive hello.

“It’s okay,” Zayn says with a weak smile and a shrug of his shoulders when Liam turns back around. He then looks toward the entrance back to the school. “I’ve got to… I’ve got to get going anyways. Maybe we can talk about the project later?”

There’s a hopeful tinge to Zayn’s voice that Liam can’t quite get over. He swallows the lump that has formed in his throat and nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Okay.”

And then Zayn is waving goodbye as he shoulders his backpack and walks toward the school building. Liam might just watch him for a few seconds too long before he turns around to join his friends.

+

Liam smiles and waves just like always when Zayn spots him at the beginning of English later that day. It’s as if nothing has really changed between them and Zayn isn’t sure if he likes this small fact or despises it.

Their teacher makes a brief mention of the fact that tomorrow is their last day of school before break and she hopes everyone has figured out a schedule to work on their assigned projects with their partners.

“Remember,” she says. “They are due when we get back from break so don’t take this lightly. It’s a large portion of your grade.”

Zayn turns to look at Liam who is bent over his desk scribbling words onto a piece of notebook paper. He sighs and drops his head onto his desk. It’s the first time he’s been frustrated with Liam. Before he knew him, Liam was nothing but an idea. He was something Zayn could look at and fantasize about. Liam was anything Zayn wanted him to be because Zayn had nothing to really go off of when it came to constructing a personality – or a person – to attach to the body he saw walking around school.

Sure, Zayn knew Liam’s smile and the way his eyes lit up when he read a particularly good book. He knew the sound of Liam’s laugh and the distant look that came to his eyes when he was deep in thought. Zayn knew little things about him, but nothing major.

Now, however, things were different. Zayn knew Liam was scared. He knew Liam was afraid of what people thought of him and he knew Liam felt shame. He knew Liam lived to please everyone around him even if it meant hurting himself.

Or others. Or Zayn.

This didn’t do much to change the way Zayn felt about Liam. Zayn was still head over heels in love with the boy. He still looked at Liam and longed for friendship and the gentle brush of his fingertips against his skin. He still longed to make Liam laugh and smile.

None of that had changed but that didn’t go to say that Zayn wasn’t frustrated. He was beginning to wonder if he’d been wasting his time hoping for a boy who would never want him back.

“ _Hey._ ”

Zayn’s thoughts are interrupted by a harsh whisper and the quiet thud of a folded piece of paper landing on the surface of his desk. When he looks up he sees Liam eyeing him from his seat a few desks down and he can’t help but to smile and the idea of Liam passing him a note during class.

It’s all slightly romantic and cliché when he thinks about it.

Zayn picks up the note and unfolds it to be greeted by Liam’s carefully crafted message written at the center of the page.

_Sorry about lunch. I hope you’re not mad._

_Maybe we can meet up tomorrow after school?_

When Zayn looks up from the note he sees Liam staring straight back at him from his desk. Zayn feels his cheeks flush and he nods his head in response because he’s too nervous to write out an actual response. Liam grins and returns his attention to the front of the room while Zayn’s eyes drift back to the note.

He’s hoping all over again.


	5. Chapter Five

Liam finds Zayn waiting for him outside of the school the next day. He’s wearing his jacket, as usual, and sitting on the steps humming a simple tune to pass the time. Liam almost feels rude at the mere thought of interrupting him, so he takes a moment to stand back and watch.

Liam can’t deny the fact that Zayn is one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen. The idea kind of unnerves him because he has never felt this way about a guy before. He’d regarded plenty of girls in his time – he even had to admit that Ashley was one of the prettier girls he’d Liam had noticed at school. Since he was a kid, Liam had been told that he would grow up and meet a pretty girl and get married, have kids… the whole nine yards.

And now here he was admiring the beauty of another boy. Here Liam was thinking about touching another boy; kissing him.

It wasn’t an idea Liam was completely comfortable with, but it also wasn’t something he could readily ignore.

Liam sighs, causing Zayn to crane his neck and smile at the realization that Liam had finally arrived.

“Hey,” he says, standing and brushing off his pants. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”

He says it like a joke, but the words still cut through Liam like a knife. What had he done to make Zayn think he would ditch him so easily?

Everything, when Liam thinks about it. It wasn’t like he gave Zayn any real reason to trust him aside from that night when he’d given Zayn his jacket but that wasn’t anything to base a friendship on. Liam had done plenty since then to negate that night altogether.

“No. I was just… I ran into Ashley on the way over here and she wanted to talk about a few things,” Liam replies, kicking at a pebble near his foot.

Zayn tilted his head to catch Liam’s gaze which was trained to the ground. “Hey uh… I didn’t mean to make you feel bad or anything,” he says.

Liam shakes his head and looks back up at Zayn, forces a smile to his lips. “No, I know,” he says. “Why don’t we get going, yeah? We can go grab something to eat while we talk about the project.”

Zayn grins and nods in agreement even though his thoughts immediately drift to whether or not the ten dollars he has in his wallet will be enough for whatever place they end up going to. He doesn’t dare mention that to Liam though. Zayn wouldn’t even dream of it because he doesn’t want Liam to feel bad or to pity him. Zayn just wants Liam to be his friend and if his friend wants to go out to eat, well, Zayn will go.

He’d follow Liam to the moon if it would make him happy.

So Zayn just grins and nods his head before saying “Yeah, okay, sure. Sounds like a plan.”

+

They settle on this diner a few blocks down from the school that Liam has been to a few times with the guys from his group of friends.

“They have great French fries. You should try ‘em.”

Zayn smiles and follows Liam into a booth, settling into the seat across from him. A waitress walks to their table and drops off a few menus before introducing herself as Linda. “So, can I start you boys off with some drinks?”

“Uh… I’ll have a lemonade,” Liam says, eyeing the choices.

Zayn orders a glass of water because it’s free.

Linda writes down their drink orders and says she’ll be back in a few minutes to see if they’ve decided on anything to eat.

“So, the fries are good?” Zayn asks as he scans the menu. He isn’t looking at the food so much as he’s observing the prices.

“Yeah. I usually just get a burger and fries when I come here. Ashley doesn’t like it though… says something about it not being healthy or—whatever.” Liam laughs and rubs at the back of his neck, mentally beating himself up for bringing up Ashley a second time. He can see the way Zayn tenses up at her name; probably because she was so rude to him the last time they say each other.

“Hm…” Zayn responds. The burger and fries is $8.50… if he figures in tax, ten dollars and whatever change might be lying around in his wallet should be enough. Or maybe he could just get the fries and say something about not being super hungry if Liam questions his decision.

“Got any plans for the holidays?” Liam asks, putting his menu down.

Zayn shrugs and drops his menu as well. “Not really… I’m probably going to stay home; spend time with my family. How about you?”

Liam sighs. “Well, there’s this big Christmas party thing my dad has to go to for his job. He drags me and my mom along with him every year. And then there’s my entire family coming to the house for Christmas dinner and to exchange gifts and to be well… to be my family, I guess.”

Zayn can’t help but to imagine Liam all dressed up in a suit and tie greeting his father’s business partners and smiling proudly as his father accepts some sort of award or simply because everyone has something nice to say about Mr. Payne. He can see the lavish tree decorating his living room and the countless number of presents sitting underneath. His aunts and uncles and cousins will hold him tight when they see him and they’ll say how proud they are and how great of a young man Liam is growing into.

Zayn pictures Liam’s holiday and sees nothing but love and adoration and appreciate. He sees happiness and the thought makes Zayn feel happy too.

“Your holiday seems so nice compared to mine,” Liam mumbles, dragging his finger along the table.

“Huh?” Zayn replies. “Mine?  It’s so… boring.”

Zayn wants to say it’s stressful and sad and disappointing. His mother is still trying to get him to write up a Christmas list but Zayn can’t bring himself to do it because he knows they don’t have the money. He figures his parents will buy him something anyways, but he doesn’t want to make them feel bad when they can’t afford something on his list. Zayn would much rather them use the money on his sisters or on the rent or on food.

Zayn wants to tell Liam that he hates the holidays because it only means that his parents have to worry about hiring someone to watch his little sisters even though Zayn has offered thousands of times to do it himself. Of course that would mean staying home rather than helping his father out at his auto shop, Zayn knows that, but it would save his parents some extra money.

Zayn wants to say a million things and more, but he doesn’t because he doesn’t want Liam to feel bad. He doesn’t want Liam to pity him or to make him try to understand because Zayn really couldn’t take that.

“Boring?” Liam asks. “No. I bet its nice just being with your family… spending the day together and enjoying each other’s company.”

Zayn cocks his head to the side. “You don’t spend time with your family?”

Liam scoffs. He doesn’t know why it’s so easy talking to Zayn. He’s shared more with Zayn within the past five minutes than he has with his other friends in the entire time he’s known them. It’s like his brain doesn’t calculate his responses in the same way. He just speaks and trusts Zayn not to judge him or to think differently because of the way he feels about things. Liam feels like he can trust Zayn to see him for who he really is and not to run away.

“No,” Liam says, dryly. “Well, I do, but it’s not the same. When my family is over my mom is busy working the room and my dad is off somewhere trying to get drunk enough to deal with my grandparents. My other relatives spend the night hugging and kissing me like the actually care all the while sucking up to my mother complimenting the house and her dress and my father’s success and just… it’s all so—”

“You boys ready?” Linda asks as she approaches the table.

“Yeah,” Liam says. “I’ll get the cheeseburger with fries.”

Linda writes down the order before looking to Zayn. “And you?”

“Just the fries for me,” he says.

“You didn’t want anything else?” Liam asks once Linda has moved on to help another table.

Zayn shrugs his shoulders. “Not really. I’m not super hungry.”

Liam eyes Zayn carefully. He immediately feels a surge of guilt because it’s only now that he’s realizing that maybe Zayn didn’t have the money to go out to eat. He’d known Zayn wasn’t exactly rich and that his family has their fair share of financial problems, but he hadn’t taken that into account when he’d asked Zayn if he wanted to get food. He also knows that Zayn probably isn’t the type of person to turn down the offer because he doesn’t have the money. He’s probably embarrassed, Liam can tell in the way he’s staring at the table drawing invisible pictures into the faux wood with the tip of his index finger.

“Well,” Liam says, clearing his throat. “The fries are good. You won’t be disappointed.”

Zayn lifts his eyes for a brief moment and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I bet.”

They’re quiet until their food comes and, even then, they don’t really say much. The conversation is stilted as they discuss the project and when they’d be able to meet up over the break. Most of it is working around Liam’s schedule because he has friends and a girlfriend that demand a large portion of his attention and that doesn’t even factor into the time he’d have to spend with his family and going to work engagements with his father.

While they’re talking Liam can’t help but to feel bad because he’d never realized just how lonely Zayn might have been. He feels bad because he never even bothered to take the fact that he and Zayn are so very different into consideration. He’d invited him out to lunch without thinking that maybe, just maybe, Zayn might not be able to spend money without thinking. He talks so freely about his friends without thinking that it might make Zayn feel bad because he doesn’t really have anyone outside of Liam and, even then, Liam hasn’t been the greatest friend in the short time they’d been getting to know each other.

Suddenly Liam feels like an asshole and he isn’t really sure what to do about it.

“So…” He starts, swirling a fry around in his ketchup. Zayn looks up, eyes trained on Liam’s face.

“So?” He parrots.

“How are the fries?” The question feels stupid as soon as it leaves his mouth and Liam wants nothing more than to take it back and change it out for something different.

Zayn laughs. “They’re pretty good, actually. Better than I expected.”

Liam nods and takes a bite out of the fry he’d been holding. “Good.”

Linda comes back a few moments later with the check and just as quickly as the mood had lightened, it darkens all over again as both Liam and Zayn eye the receipt. “You guys can just take it to the register at the front whenever you’re ready.”

Without thinking, Liam grabs the receipt from the edge of the table and looks at the total. He can see Zayn fidgeting in his seat across the table as he stares off into space and he knows that he’s nervous, that he’s wondering how to approach the situation.

And then Zayn is reaching into his pocket and sliding a ten dollar bill across the table. “Take it,” he says. “For whatever my half was, I guess.”

His voice is small and nervous and Liam can tell that it kind of pains him to hand the entire ten over to him. Liam wonders if he had been hoping to save some of it and if he had possibly needed that ten dollars for something else.

“Nah,” Liam says, pushing it back across the table. “Don’t worry about it. You only got fries and a water anyways, Zayn. That’s not worth ten dollars.”

“But—”

“It’s fine.” Liam interrupts, tossing his napkin over his plate. “I invited you anyways. Don’t worry about it.”

Zayn tentatively takes his money back and returns it to his wallet. His cheeks flush a light shade of pink as he finishes off his glass of water. “Thanks,” he says quietly and Liam is surprised he was able to hear him.

Liam only smiles as he slides out of the booth and leads the way to the register.

Zayn keeps a safe distance while Liam pays for their food. He’s embarrassed. He’s ashamed that Liam felt like he had to pay for his measly lunch of French fires and water. He knows it was more than just Liam feeling the need to pay because he had invited Zayn out. Liam wasn’t stupid and Zayn could see the pity in his eyes when Liam had told him to keep his wrinkled ten dollar bill. Zayn hadn’t felt so pathetic in his life. He’d grown used to kids making fun of him for being poor; He grown accustomed to looks people gave him in the hallways when they noticed that he’d worn the same shirt three times in one week. He’d stopped crying whenever kids would call him names or whisper behind his back in the sixth grade.

But it had never been because of Liam.

Liam had never looked at Zayn like he was less than a person or like he was someone to pity or to feel sorry for. Sure, Liam had given Zayn his hoodie back on Halloween, but that was because he wanted to, not because Zayn needed it or because he felt sorry.

The look in Liam’s eyes when he told Zayn “not to worry about it” was one that made Zayn want to crawl into his skin and never come out. It made him want to run away because he didn’t want to be a charity case. He just wanted a friend.  

“You ready?” Liam asks, turning around to face Zayn as he shoves his wallet into his back pocket.

Zayn nods meekly. “Yeah. Sure.”

Liam leads the way out of diner and stops at the curb until Zayn catches up. “So, since we’re both free next Thursday I figured we can work on the project at my house?”

Zayn kicks some dirt on the sidewalk before looking up at Liam. He feels uncomfortable, more so than he’s ever been around Liam. Liam had always had a way of giving Zayn butterflies and setting his nerves on fire but this was a whole new kind of nervous. Zayn was worried Liam didn’t even want to be around him. He was worried that Liam was only hanging out and being nice because Liam was a good guy and that’s what good guys do.

“Uh…” Zayn rubs at the back of his neck. “Yeah, okay.”

Liam grins. “Great. I guess… I’ll see you Thursday then?”

Zayn perks up at the hopeful tone in Liam’s voice. It’s like he isn’t sure Zayn is going to show up and he just wants to make sure that all of this isn’t in his head; that Zayn really will be coming over to his house in a few days.

He doesn’t get it because Liam has to know that Zayn would do literally anything.

Zayn nods. “Yeah; Thursday.”

Liam huffs a laugh and looks down at his shoes, before looking back at Zayn with a slight blush to his cheeks. “Okay then. See you later, Zayn.”

He’s about to walk away when Liam stops in his tracks and turns back around. “Oh. Wait. I didn’t give you my address.”

Zayn watches as Liam fishes out a piece of paper and a pen from his backpack and jots down his address. He’s about to hand the paper over to Zayn when he pauses and adds seven digits below the address. “I realized that you didn’t have my number either so… yeah. It’s—yeah.”

Zayn looks down at the paper, taking in the neat handwriting the resembled the note he had saved in his backpack. “Cool,” he says, glancing up at Liam. “Thanks.”

Liam nods and shifts his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other. He has no idea what he’s doing or why he feels so nervous all of the sudden. Maybe it’s because he wants so desperately to let Zayn know that he doesn’t really think differently of him; that he still wants to be friends, but he isn’t sure how to do so. He’s wondering if he crossed some invisible line by paying for Zayn’s food but then he wonders if it would have been right to let Zayn pay for himself. Liam has no idea what he’s doing and he so badly wants to do things right because, for some unknown reason, Zayn’s friendship is really important to him.

“Okay then. I’m gonna go now,” Liam says, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll see you Thursday. You can um, you can call if you need anything or just to… you know, whatever.”

Zayn pockets Liam’s address and phone number and blushes as he nods in response. “Okay.”

Liam is backing up before he nods as well. “See you later, Zayn.”

Zayn watches Liam go, a strange, happy smile on his face.

“Later, Liam.”


	6. Chapter Six

Zayn immediately feels overwhelmed walking up the drive to Liam’s front door. He feels inadequate dressed in his worn out jeans, long sleeved shirt, and Liam’s hoodie and it’s almost enough to make him turn around and walk back to the bus stop so he can go home and lie down on the ratty couch in his living room where he belongs. But then he remembers the way Liam had sounded on the phone, how he’d almost sounded excited to have Zayn over and Zayn can’t really bring himself to run away.

When he reaches the front door, Zayn reaches up with a hesitant finger to ring the bell. Shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans, Zayn shifts his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other while he waits. Liam’s house isn’t necessarily what one could refer to as a mansion, but its close. Zayn can only imagine what the inside looks like and how it would compare to the inside of his own tiny apartment. The three cars sitting in the driveway alone probably cost more than everything Zayn owns and then some.

Zayn’s wondering if he should try the bell again when the door swings open and Liam is greeting him with a warm smile and a wave of his hand. “Zayn!”

Zayn smiles sheepishly and waves back. “Hey. Sorry I’m late. My mom was running behind at the store and I had to watch my little sisters until she came home and then the bus so…” he trails off when he realizes he’s beginning to ramble.

Liam waves it off. “It’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” He opens the door a little wider and Zayn steps inside, taking in in the large Christmas tree in the living room and the lavishly wrapped presents already surrounding the base of the tree.

“I still don’t know why you insisted on taking the bus, you know,” Liam’s saying as he leads the way toward the staircase. “I could have picked you up. I told you over the phone that it wasn’t a problem.”

Zayn thinks back to their phone call the day before. How nervous he’d been when he’d dialed Liam’s number and how surprised Liam had sounded when he picked up. He already felt like he’d taken too much from Liam by accepting his jacket and allowing him to pay for lunch that day after school, he couldn’t bring himself to let Liam pick him up so they could work on a project at his house. Not when he could just as easily take the bus.

It wasn’t just that though. Zayn also couldn’t help but to feel that Liam was always giving, giving, giving and Zayn wasn’t handing anything over in return. Liam had handed over his jacket when Zayn was cold, he’d paid for lunch when he felt Zayn wasn’t able to do so himself, he’d offered a ride because Zayn didn’t have the means to drive over himself. Zayn didn’t want Liam to view him as some sort of charity case or good deed. Zayn wanted to do something for himself, to prove to Liam that he could be just as independent.

“I don’t mind the bus,” Zayn says quietly. “Besides it would have been a waste of gas for you to drive all the way to my house just to come back here.”

Liam turns around once they reach the top of the staircase. “It really wouldn’t have been that big of a deal but, you know, you’re here now so there’s no point in dwelling on it.”

Zayn nods and follows Liam down a long hallway until the reach a door at the end. Liam pushes it open and leads the way inside, crossing the room to stop at his desk where he moves a few loose papers aside and grabs the book they’re supposed to be working on.

Zayn stays put in the door way taking in Liam’s bedroom. It’s nothing fancy or special to look at, but Zayn is transfixed nonetheless. There are a few posters on the walls and some T-shirts on the floor that he has yet to pick up, his bed is also unmade and when Liam catches Zayn staring his cheeks flush a light shade of pink as he tosses the book back onto his desk and moves to pick up the loose clothes on the floor.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he says, tossing the shirts into his laundry basket. “I totally forgot to clean up, you know?”

Zayn shakes his head, unable to stop himself from smiling at how flustered Liam had become. “No,” he replies. “It’s fine, I just… I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting your room to look so normal.”

Zayn goes back to staring at the odds and ends in Liam’s bedroom while Liam pauses where he’d been adjusting the comforter on the bed to look at Zayn who seems completely enamored with the fact that he’s standing in Liam’s bedroom.

“What do you mean?” Liam asks, his head cocked to the side in confusion. He feels a sudden rush of insecurity, wondering if Zayn doesn’t like what he sees even though the small smile that’s lingering on his lips tells Liam otherwise.

Zayn turns to look at Liam and shrugs his shoulders as his eyes drift toward his shoes. “I don’t know what I was expecting really. I just… it’s odd knowing that this is where you spend your time. This is where you live.”

“Yeah,” Liam says with a huff small huff of laughter as he finishes up with his bed and moves back to his desk to retrieve his book.

Zayn sits down on the floor in front of the bed and removes his copy of the book from his bag. Liam smiles when he sits down across from him and places the book in his lap. Neither of them is sure of what to say or where to start and soon the silence between them becomes slightly awkward.

But then Zayn is thumbing through the book, skimming over the pages before he hesitantly starts talking about how glad he was when their teacher said they’d be focusing on Great Expectations for their project because it’s one of his favorite books. When he looks up at Liam, Zayn has this small smile on his lips that silently lets Liam knows how excited he is and then he’s talking about Pip and Estella and Uncle Joe and the Aged Parent and Liam is completely and totally transfixed.

Zayn’s dropped the book to his side, left it sitting on the floor, forgotten, as he gestures wildly about his favorite parts. Liam leans back on his palms and takes in this completely new side of Zayn that he never would have guessed would be tucked inside of the quiet boy who sits under the tree in the courtyard during lunch. Sure, Liam had seen Zayn smile and laugh – it’s one of his favorite things although he’d never admit to such things out loud – but he’d always pegged Zayn as being reserved; refined. Liam never doubted that Zayn could be passionate about anything; it’s just never something he expected him to be overt about.

Liam finds himself hanging on to every word that leaves Zayn’s mouth. He commits expression that dances across Zayn’s face to memory, filing it away within the confines of his mind. Liam finds himself completely entranced by Zayn in this moment and can’t help but to wonder exactly what it would take to get Zayn to become so excited and passionate about him. Liam wants to be the one to make Zayn smile this bright, wants to make his eyes shine brighter than the lights in Times Square.

And this scares Liam to death, but he really can’t bring himself to care very much; not right now at least.

Suddenly, Zayn’s stopping midsentence as his cheeks flush a deep shade of pink and he’s covering his face with his hands. He wants to sink into the floor, maybe disappear forever so he’ll never have to face Liam again. He didn’t mean to go on and on for ages about how much he loves Great Expectations. He was just afraid of the silence that had been looming over their heads so he said something, anything, to break the ice and it turned into him rambling on and on about character development and all of his favorite parts of the book. He’s sure Liam’s thinking he’s a nerd or lame for liking classic literature because, honestly, nobody in their grade seems to care much about reading. And, while Zayn knows Liam is too nice of a guy to tease or make fun of Zayn for something like that, he can’t help but to feel like it didn’t do much to keep him from becoming some sort of a burden that Liam’s going to have to deal with for the entire break. He already has a feeling that Liam has come to view him as charity case or good deed and adding “annoying chatterbox” (or something to that effect) to the list isn’t going to do Zayn any favors. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ve just… I’ve been going on and on and you’re probably annoyed with how much I’ve been talking.”

When he looks up, Zayn catches Liam leaned back on his palms a small smile on his face as he stares back at him. Zayn’s face grows even hotter when Liam doesn’t say anything. He looks back into his lap and clears his throat uncomfortably in hopes of getting Liam to say something; anything.

“I think it’s cool,” Liam says, finally, causing Zayn to look up at him with wide eyes.

“What?”

“You like this stuff.” Liam lifts the book and leafs through the pages. “I mean, I like it too, but not as much as you do. I think it’s interesting, but I don’t think I’d ever read this thing more than once. But like… you seem really passionate about this stuff. It makes you happy and, I don’t know…”

Zayn cocks his head to the side, confused by the sudden turn of events. This wasn’t what he was expecting. He was expecting Liam to say it was okay, he didn’t mind him going on and on about some book that had to read for class. He was expecting Liam to say something about getting to work.

He wasn’t expecting Liam to be staring down at his carpet looking like he’s itching to say something but is too afraid to form the words.

“I’ve never felt that way about anything. Like, ever. I’ve tried, you know? I’ve tried a whole bunch of things, sports, clubs, and things like that, but I never got into it. No matter how hard I tried I was never able to do something and feel like it made me really happy. And then you started talking about this book and it’s something so small and simple and yet I could tell it was something that was really important to you; something that made you happy…” Liam sighs as he trails off.

When he looks up he finds Zayn staring and, if it had been anyone else, Liam would have felt naked and insecure. He would feel stupid for revealing something so personal. If it had been one of his friends from school he’d be afraid of them completely disregarding his feelings and calling him a pussy or a fag.

But not with Zayn. Somehow, with Zayn, Liam knows there’s no judgment. They haven’t known each other very long, but with Zayn Liam feels safe, like he can say anything and know that Zayn will understand.

And then Liam’s smiling and running a hand through his hair as he ducks his head because, at realizing this, Liam realizes he is happy. Happier than he can ever remember being and it’s all because of this strange, beautiful boy who wears his hoodie every day and, when it comes down to it, Liam hardly even knows him.

When Liam looks back up he huffs out a laugh before picking up the book and opening it up to the first chapter just to keep his hands busy. “And now I’m the one rambling…”

“Maybe you just haven’t found it yet,” Zayn says.

“Huh?” Liam replies, his eyes locking with Zayn’s.

“What makes you happy,” Zayn clarifies, his voice is quiet and shy but he speaks loud enough to let Liam know that he’s confident in what he’s saying. “Maybe you just haven’t found it yet.”

Liam isn’t sure of what he’s doing anymore or of what all the feelings he has swimming in his chest mean, but he does know that Zayn makes him feel safe. He knows that Zayn makes him feel a sense of calm that he’s never really known before. Liam knows he wants to hold Zayn’s hand, to tell him jokes and to make him smile and laugh and to make Zayn feel just as passionate about him as he does about his books. He wants to know if Zayn’s lips feel as soft as they look, to know the feel of the skin hiding beneath his hoodie and Zayn’s thin, cotton T-shirts. Liam knows all of these things and, while the thought of it all scares him to death, he wants to, at the very least, be Zayn’s friend and to keep him around for as long as possible.

“Maybe not,” Liam says, toying with the paper cover of his book before chancing a brief lock of the eyes with Zayn. “I think I might be getting close though…”


	7. Chapter Seven

Soon after Zayn leaves Liam’s house he’s all Liam can think about.

It starts with small, fleeting thoughts sparked by seemingly insignificant instances that occur throughout the day. Liam would be at the diner with his friends and one of them would order a plate of fries and it would remind him of that awkward lunch he’d had with Zayn after school. Ashley might shiver while their out on a movie date and Liam will offer her his jacket which would remind him of that night on Halloween. Liam’s mom might ask him if he wants anything extra special for Christmas and Liam will remember Zayn telling him about how his mom keeps hounding him about a list he doesn’t want to write up.

It starts small and the thoughts are welcome because remembering the little things about Zayn has a tendency to make Liam smile. He enjoys being reminded of the tiny quirks and facts about his friend even if he isn’t exactly able to share his joy with other people. Liam just knows that if he were to tell any one of his friends just how important Zayn was becoming to him they would laugh and say something they found clever but was really just rude.

It starts small, but it quickly begins to escalate. Pretty soon it isn’t just little thoughts and memories sparked by events occurring throughout his day. Pretty soon Liam is seeing Zayn in his dreams. He falls asleep and the first thing he sees is Zayn’s smile bright and bold as he laughs at a joke. He sees Zayn’s smile and his heart unconsciously warms at the sight.

The dreams start innocent and while Liam isn’t entirely comfortable with having dreams about Zayn he doesn’t really think much of it because he’s been thinking about Zayn’s laugh and Zayn’s smile and Zayn’s everything since that day in the courtyard near the beginning of the school year.

But they are only innocent until they aren’t.

Pretty soon Liam’s thinking about slipping his sweater off of Zayn’s shoulders, of running his fingers along the smooth plains of his back. Liam wonders if the skin hiding beneath the thin layers of Zayn’s clothing is just as tan and sun-kissed as the rest of him.

More often than not Liam has woken up in a cold sweat and on the verge of orgasm at the thought of Zayn’s lips wrapped around his cock while he looks up at Liam with wide eyes that are so filled with a sense of trust and adoration that Liam has never before received from another person.

That’s the worst part of it all to Liam; the fact that Zayn trusts him. He’s never said so much in words, but Liam can see it in the way Zayn looks at him. It’s in the way they spend hours in his room sharing life stories and hopes and dreams and secrets when they’re supposed to be working on an English project. It’s only two weeks into their holiday vacation and Liam feels as if he’s known Zayn all his life. Zayn is quickly becoming the best friend Liam has ever had and he’s pretty sure he shouldn’t be imagining his best friend’s lips sinking over the head of his cock.

It’s just not right.

“Are you okay?”

Liam blinks his eyes a few times until his vision comes into focus and he sees Ashley lying on his bed with the latest issue of Cosmopolitan spread open in front of her. Her fingers are grasping the corner of one of the pages as if she were about to turn it but stopped before she decided to ask him a question.

“Huh?”

“You were staring off into space, Liam,” Ashley says. “It was like you weren’t even here.”

Liam drags a hand over his face and sighs, remembering his thoughts of becoming tangled in the very same sheets Ashley was lying on top with Zayn; of Zayn’s fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his briefs and—

“Liam.”

“Huh… what?” He looks back up to Ashley who is wearing an annoyed expression as she closes her magazine.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Liam starts to nod but decides against it because lying to Ashley doesn’t seem like a good idea. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m just tired and I’ve been trying to get through this book so Zayn and I can actually get through this project.”

Ashley rolls her eyes. “Liam, you have the whole break to get through that stupid project. Quit worrying about it.”

Liam inwardly groans because while he knows they have more than enough time to get the work done he also knows it isn’t going to happen if he and Zayn continue to spend their time talking about everything but school for hours on end. Liam also knows that isn’t going to happen if he can’t tear his eyes away from Zayn’s lips long enough to read through more than a few sentences in his book.

“Besides,” Ashley continues. “If it comes down to it, I’m sure the nerd would be more than happy enough to do the project himself.”

Liam frowns at Ashley’s words and drops his gaze to where his hands are resting against the top of his desk. He knows he should say something; maybe tell her that referring to people in that way isn’t exactly cool. Liam could tell her that she should get to know Zayn before judging him and jumping to conclusions. He could tell her how amazing Zayn really is. He could tell Ashley about how smart and funny and kind he is.

There are so many things Liam could do and yet he doesn’t do any of them. He just sits at his desk and frowns because no matter how much he wants to stand up for Zayn he can’t. Liam can’t do a damned thing because he needs these people to fit in and to belong and he knows that if he says anything to defend a “nobody” like Zayn they won’t think twice about casting him aside. He knows it’s selfish and he hates himself for it but he also knows that while he hates forcing Zayn to deal with the harsh remarks and the ridicule from his peers, Liam isn’t exactly jumping to the head of the line to experience it for himself either.

“Now,” Ashley says, climbing off of the bed and crossing the room to straddle Liam’s lap. “Enough talk about school everything else that doesn’t matter. I came over here to spend time with you since we’re both going to be spending Christmas with our families tomorrow.” She presses her lips to Liam’s, running her tongue across his bottom lip before gently biting down causing an involuntary groan to sound in Liam’s throat. When she pulls away, she runs her fingers through Liam’s hair before her eyes land on a small gift wrapped box resting on Liam’s desk. “Is that for me?”

Liam glances over to where the box is sitting at the corner of his desk. “Oh, uh… yeah. You said you wanted to exchange gifts today since we wouldn’t see each other tomorrow so… yeah.”

Ashley grins and reaches across the desk to pick up the gift. She meets Liam’s eyes for a brief moment before she’s tearing the wrapping paper from the box to reveal another, velvet one, beneath.

“Oooh,” she sings, waggling her eyebrows. “Jewelry, Liam?”

Liam shrugs, a bashful smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Just… open it?”

Ashley concedes and opens the jewelry box to reveal a pair of white gold hoop earrings. Immediately one hand flies to her mouth as she stares down at the open box with wide eyes. “You can’t be serious, Liam,” she says.

“You like them right?” He asks because she has to like them. Liam figured Ashley would have no choice but to like the earrings.

“Of course I like them! I’d have to be blind not to and even then I’d probably like them because these are white gold earrings, Liam.”

Liam lets out a sigh of relief as he relaxes in his seat. “Good. You had me worried for a second. I was afraid I’d gotten you the wrong thing.”

“The girls are going to be so jealous when I tell them,” Ashley says looking back down at the earrings. “And I can wear them with the dress I picked out for your dad’s new year’s banquet for work next week.”

Ashley continues to ramble on and on about how perfect the earrings are, but Liam can’t really begin to make himself listen. He remembers mentioning the banquet a while back to Ashley but he hadn’t implicitly invited her to be his date. Liam hated how stuffy and serious his father’s work events were; they were just a bunch of men in suits congratulating each other on another year of work while simultaneously talking about one another behind each other’s backs. He knew his father was up for the “Man of the Year” award, but that didn’t really make Liam any keener on attending. He was actually hoping to find a way to get out of it. But now there’s Ashley with her new white gold hoops and her dress and Liam can’t really turn her down because that would only make him look bad.

“You know,” Ashley says, ripping Liam from his thoughts. “With the way you were ignoring me earlier I was beginning to wonder if you deserved your Christmas present but after this gift I think it’s safe to say you’ve redeemed yourself.”

Her smile is sly and seductive and setting Liam on edge. He’s suddenly nervous as he swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat.

Liam watches as Ashley climbs off of his lap and crosses the room toward where she’d dropped her purse and her coat when she had entered the room a few hours earlier. She slips the strap over her shoulder and takes hold of the knob to the door. “You just wait here. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Liam only nods as his face grows hot with nerves. He’s pretty sure that it’s safe to say whatever Ashley has planned for him isn’t exactly PG and is probably more R rated than Liam would like. He’d been avoiding any sort of sexual contact that exceeded kissing with Ashley ever since he’d begun having these thoughts about Zayn. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to Ashley. She was a pretty enough girl and when they first started dating he didn’t have any problems with her in the sex department. While – and he hated to admit this – being with a girl wasn’t his first choice when it came to sexual encounters, Liam had no problem with getting aroused. He was, after all, a teenage boy and he wasn’t going to turn down any offers that came his way when it came to getting off.

But now Zayn has entered the picture and, as of late, he’s the only person Liam seems to want. Ashley is no longer a viable option and Liam doesn’t know how to tell her that. He can’t tell her that.

Liam’s palms are sweaty and he’s trying to psych himself up for what he knows is bound to happen. He isn’t sure what Ashley has planned for him, but he’s sure it has something to do with a sexy Christmas outfit of some sort. Liam can’t help but to think the gift is a little self-indulgent and more than a little conceded but he doesn’t dwell on it because he simply doesn’t have the time.

Before he knows it, Ashley is opening his bedroom door her winter coat wrapped tight around her shoulders as she shuts the door behind her. She laughs lightly to herself as she drops her purse. Liam can see where her jeans and sweater are stuffed in the bag and his throat closes up all over again.

“I thought I heard your parents walking outside the bathroom just before I came out,” she says with a smile. “But it was just one of the housekeepers.”

Liam lets out a shaky, breathless laugh as Ashley shrugs off her coat revealing a sheer red nightie lined with a fuzzy white fringe and matching red panties. She leans against the wall before her eyes go wide and she says “oh, I almost forgot” and rushes over to her bag to pull out a red Santa hat to place on top of her head. When she looks back up, Ashley’s wearing a small, seductive smile as she saunters toward Liam and straddles his waist for the second time that night. She winds her arms around his neck and leans forward until her lips are mere centimeters from his neck.

“Do you like you’re gift?”

Liam swallows. “Y-yeah it’s uh… wow.”

Apparently, his incapability to form coherent sentences isn’t a problem for Ashley but Liam figures it has something to do with her thinking he’s just floored by her appearance.

“Good,” she returns, leaning back to look at Liam properly. “Because if you like what you’ve got now, you’ll love with I have planned for you next.”

Before Liam can think of anything to say next Ashley is leaning forward and claiming his mouth with her own. Liam falls into the motions easily because this is something he knows. While kissing Ashley is something that has dropped down on his list of favorite things to do it isn’t something he’s forgotten. He knows she enjoys lip biting and when he licks the roof of her mouth. Liam knows Ashley loves it when he tangles his fingers in her hair and that she also enjoys a little light hair pulling as well. Liam can make out with Ashley on autopilot no problem. It’s what he knows is to come afterward that has his mind racing. He knows that when Ashley begins rolling her hips in order to create some kind of friction for Liam, for example, that she’s going to expect results and he isn’t quite sure that he’ll be able to deliver.

Liam tries to push his lack of arousal to the back of his mind as his hands travel up the smooth curve of Ashley’s back causing her to arch back into the firm press of his palms. Her body feels strange and too light in his lap with her legs on either side of his own and it’s all wrong. Liam can taste the faux strawberry of her lip gloss, can taste her foundation when he licks along her jaw and settles his lips against the skin of her neck.

Liam runs his fingers along the curves of his girlfriend’s body and longs for smooth lines and lean muscle.

When Ashley takes Liam’s hand and drags it down the front of her body, over her breasts, along the flat of her stomach and over the red, satin material of her thong Liam is disappointed when he’s greeted with the wet fabric of her panties instead of the hard, budge of an erection trapped beneath a pair of black boxer briefs.

Ashley giggles when she hears Liam groan and he wonders how she would react if she had known it had been out of sheer anger and frustration.

“Hey,” she says her tone light and seductively playful. “Why don’t we move this party over to your bed and I can show exactly why I landed myself on Santa’s naughty list?”

All Liam can do is nod in response and allow Ashley to take his hand and lead him over to his bed. He doesn’t say anything as she climbs on top of him and merely falls into practiced movements when presses her lips against his own. Liam attempts to regulate his breathing as he’s stripped of his jeans and T-shirt and prays to whatever God is living up in the sky that he can last the night when Ashley settles between his legs and smirks up at him before slipping her fingers beneath the waistband of his underwear.


	8. Chapter Eight

“So how was your Christmas?” Liam asks around a bite of his grilled cheese sandwich. He and Zayn are sitting on his bedroom floor eating sandwiches Liam had only barely managed to throw together for lunch. Zayn had laughed as Liam fumbled around with his family’s complicated toaster oven complaining about how his mother just had to have the best of everything and “why on earth does a toaster oven need to be so complicated?”

Zayn picks at the crust of his bread and shrugs his shoulders. He can still see the dozens of presents Liam had gotten scattered around the room and he isn’t sure of what to say because he just knows that his holiday hadn’t been anything like Liam’s.  

“It was alright, I guess. I spent time with my family; it was nice.”

“Get everything you asked for?”

Zayn chews on his bottom lip as he looks down at his half eaten sandwich and Liam feels equal parts sorry and aroused. He’d made a conscious effort to avoid any and all sexual thoughts concerning Zayn after the awkward fumbling around he’d spent with Ashley on Christmas Eve. It was a wonder to Liam that Ashley never caught on to the fact that Liam’s mind had wandered off to images of a boy with olive skin and jet black hair twining his arms around Liam’s neck and breathing hot and heavy into his skin as Liam fucked him into the mattress. It amazed Liam even further how easy it was to block out Ashley’s high pitched moans and whimpers and to replace them with the thought of Zayn’s breathless sighs and choked off groans of “harder” and “more” and “ _Liam_.”

But these were things Liam couldn’t allow himself to think of because it was wrong and it wasn’t just because Zayn was a boy. That was a part of it, but it wasn’t everything. Thinking about Zayn was wrong because Liam had a girlfriend and allowing his mind to wander off toward other people wasn’t fair. It was wrong because Zayn was nice and smart and funny and, most importantly, understood Liam in a way most people didn’t and if he were to know just how often Liam slid his hand beneath the waistband of his boxer briefs at the thought of Zayn spread out on his stomach with his ass perched high in the air on Liam’s bed…

These were just things Liam couldn’t allow himself to think about.

But now Zayn is worrying at his bottom lip and Liam just knows as soon as he releases the skin from his teeth his mouth is going to be swollen and the only thing on Liam’s mind is going to be Zayn’s lips wrapped around his dick.

Liam just knows it and the thought alone is killing him.

“I didn’t really ask for much,” Zayn finally answers, releasing his lip and not bothering to look up from his food.

Zayn’s lip is a little swollen, but Liam is suddenly too distracted by the dejected look on Zayn’s face to notice. “You okay?” He asks carefully.

Zayn looks up and forces a small, tight lipped smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look…” Liam trails off, unable to figure out a way to word his sentence. He catches Zayn eyeing the pile of Christmas gifts in the corner of his bedroom; the ones he hadn’t bothered with putting away yet because he didn’t really have space anywhere for them and also because he didn’t very much feel like it. Liam catches Zayn staring and remembers that night on Halloween when he’d found Zayn shivering in the park because he’d forgotten his jacket. Liam remembers giving Zayn his own and Zayn wearing it nearly every day since. Liam looks at Zayn and sees he’s wearing the hoodie now and he can’t help but to wonder if it’s because Zayn really likes the jacket or if it’s because he didn’t have one of his own.

“How was yours?” Zayn asks, changing the subject before Liam has the chance to finish his sentence.

Liam eyes Zayn carefully, gauging the pleading look in his eyes for Liam to simply drop the topic of whether or not something was wrong with him, before sighing and leaning back on his palms. “It was…” he pauses, picking up his sandwich and taking a bite while he thinks of how to phrase his answer. When he swallows Liam drops the sandwich back onto his plate and shrugs his shoulders. “It was.”

Zayn cocks his head to the side, his lips quirking up into a small smile. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Liam wipes his hands off onto his jeans. “It was the same as it is every year. My parents bought me a bunch of crap I don’t need, my family came over and admired my mother’s supreme decorating skills and hounded me about college and what I want to do with my life and whether or not I have a girlfriend. They kissed my father’s ass and handed out even more gifts that we didn’t need and… it was.”

Zayn’s chewing a bite of grilled cheese when Liam finishes and he looks thoughtful for a moment after he swallows before he places the food back onto his plate. “That’s so different,” he says. “From my house, I mean.”

Liam doesn’t say anything; he only watches Zayn’s face as he glances back at the gifts crowding the corner of Liam’s room.

“But I guess it’s pretty obvious that our families are different though right?” Zayn asks with a short laugh. “I mean, look at where you live. You have this giant house and a huge Christmas tree in your living room… or the den? I don’t know, but I guess that doesn’t really matter because my point is that we’re nothing alike in that respect.”

“What do you mean?” Liam asks, unsure where Zayn is going with all of this.

Zayn sighs. “I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“No, but you do,” Liam replies.

When Zayn looks up at him his eyes are pleading and it’s like he’s begging Liam to let him off the hook. He’s looking at Liam like he’s scared that he’s fucked up and said too much of the wrong thing. And it’s true. Zayn is worried. He doesn’t know why he’s let something as superficial as presents hiding away in the corner of Liam’s bedroom get him so worked up over Christmas. He doesn’t know why he’s allowing himself to be jealous of Liam getting so much stuff because Zayn had been genuinely happy when he woke up Christmas morning and saw his sisters sitting in front of the tiny tree in their living room staring at the neatly wrapped gifts his mother had set out the night before. There weren’t that many there – way less than what Liam probably had waiting for him under the tree – but his sisters were happy. Zayn was even surprised to see a little something waiting for him as well even though he’d never made good on the promise of a Christmas list he’d made to his mother a few weeks earlier.

Zayn’s Christmas had been nice and warm and loving and he couldn’t have really asked for more, but somehow, for some reason, seeing all those presents stashed away in the corner of Liam’s bedroom made him feel like shit. It made him feel like he didn’t belong and that he had nothing. He suddenly felt so out of place in Liam’s room – a place he’d become comfortable and had learned to feel safe in.

Zayn suddenly felt like the poor charity case Liam’s friends saw him as.

“Zayn…” Liam says.

Zayn feels a hand on his shoulder and sighs. “I’m just saying that we’re different,” he explains. “That’s all.”

“Well, yeah… but I don’t see where you’re going with this. Why would that make you so upset?”

Zayn rubs at the back of his neck. He feels vulnerable and scared. He’s waited so long for Liam to finally notice him and to give him the time of day; to be his friend. He’s worked so hard to be someone that Liam likes. Someone that Liam can talk to and trust. Zayn doesn’t want to ruin all of that by being insecure and implying that Liam won’t like him all that much once he remembers that they basically come from two completely different worlds.

“I live in a tiny two bedroom apartment with both of my parents and my sisters,” Zayn says finally, his voice quiet. “I sleep in the living room. We didn’t have a giant tree and dozens of presents waiting for us on Christmas. Our family didn’t come over and admire our decorating skills mostly because there wasn’t much of anything to admire but also because they wouldn’t be able to fit. I mean, we all barely fit in there as it is so how are we supposed to have guests? I just… Liam, we’re different.”

Liam is silent for a while and it makes Zayn wonder if he’d said too much. He’s just about to apologize and make up an excuse to leave because he really doesn’t want to have to listen to Liam tell him that he’s probably right: they are too different and maybe they shouldn’t be friends after all, when Liam shrugs his shoulders and cocks his head to the side.

“Why should that matter?” he asks.

“What?”

“Why should it matter that we’re different? I mean, I already figured we were a little different in that respect, but it doesn’t bother me if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Well, no… I just—” Zayn cuts himself off, shaking his head. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter.”

When he looks up, Zayn’s eyes are bright and a little happier than they had been a few moments and Liam is glad because he’s really starting to live to see Zayn happy.

“Good,” Liam answers, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Zayn’s shoulders. They don’t hug very often partially because they haven’t yet reached that stage in their relationship where random gestures of affection can be considered normal behavior and mostly because Liam feels like being so close to Zayn can be a bit overwhelming. But, right now, Liam feels like he needs to be close to Zayn, to feel Zayn’s arms tentatively wrap themselves around his body and to smell the scent of Zayn’s shampoo and to know that, even though things are far more complicated that Zayn will ever know, they are there and they are still friends despite Liam’s itching insecurities.

Zayn is surprised to find Liam’s arms wrapped tight around his shoulders, to feel his breath ghosting over the skin of his neck. Zayn isn’t sure what to do at first because this isn’t something he and Liam do. Zayn feels as though he’s constantly walking on eggshells around Liam, he’s afraid he’s going to say or do the wrong thing and scare Liam away. He doesn’t want to pull Liam too close or to hug Liam too tight. He doesn’t want to allow his burning desire just to have Liam close to be the reason he loses everything.

But judging by the way Liam is pressing his body against Zayn’s it seems like he wants him closer, so Zayn carefully hugs Liam back and rests his head against Liam’s shoulder  making sure to keep a safe distance while simultaneously committing every second to memory.

“Thanks,” Zayn mumbles sheepishly when Liam pulls away.

Liam curiously cocks his head to the side. “For what?”

Zayn can’t help the nervous laugh that slips past his lips as he rubs at the back of his neck. “I usually don’t let that stuff get to me. I hate feeling sorry for myself but sometimes… sometimes I do and it sucks because I know things like money shouldn’t be such a big deal, but sometimes they are. I’m just – I’m glad you’re my friend. I’m glad we got paired up together for this project because you’re a good person and a good friend and I guess it’s sometimes hard to believe that someone like you would want to hang around someone like me.”

Zayn feels his face heat up as he chews on his bottom lip and waits for Liam to respond. Liam’s expression is unreadable and as the seconds pass them by Zayn begins to wonder if he’d said too much; if the hug was all that was deemed necessary and okay for the day and Zayn’s words tipped Liam over the edge.

But then Liam’s eyes are flickering down to Zayn’s lips and he’s slowly inching forward. Zayn’s heart speeds up and it feels like it’s about to burst straight through his chest. Liam is close, so unbelievably close, and Zayn can feel the tiny puffs of air passing through Liam’s nostrils every time he exhales.

Zayn’s eyes fall closed and his mouth falls open just the slightest bit and he waits. He doesn’t know what’s happening but Liam is right there and Zayn can feel him even though they aren’t even touching. It’s as if Liam’s lips are already pressed against his and Zayn likes the way they’d feel, slightly chapped and just this side of scratchy as they worked against his own. Zayn can already feel Liam’s hands gripping his sides and pulling him closer because Liam likes the proximity and the way Zayn’s body slots perfectly with his. Zayn relishes in the way Liam’s hair slides perfectly through his fingers, the way it feels soft and light and the way Liam might gasp into his mouth if Zayn were to tug gently at the short hairs near the nape of his neck.

It’s all right there at the front of Zayn’s mind and it’s so close, he can feel it. Liam’s lips are right there in front of him and all Zayn would have to do is lean forward and eliminate the few centimeters keeping them apart…but he can’t. And he won’t because Zayn is also a little scared that it might be too much.

“Liam…” he whispers. When Zayn cracks an eye open he catches the way Liam shivers at the feel of Zayn’s breath on his mouth.

And just as quickly as it had happened it was over as Liam’s eyes shoot open. He backs away, dragging a hand down his face as his cheeks flush a deep shade of pink. He’s staring at Zayn from where he’s sitting now, a few feet away, and Liam looks scared. Like he may have crossed a line and scared Zayn away which confuses Zayn even further because he had wanted it. He’d basically asked for it.

“Zayn, I—” Liam starts, and then cuts himself off by clamping his mouth shut and looking down at the carpet.

“Liam.”

Liam looks up and draws in a deep breath as he pushes himself off of the floor. Zayn watches as he walks toward his desk and grabs his copy of Great Expectations before returning to his seat on the floor. Liam runs a hand through his hair and shakily flips through the pages of the book until he reaches where they’d left off the last time they’d gotten together.

“Why don’t we… We left off with something about Magwitch right?” He asks, looking up at Zayn.

There’s something in his eyes begging Zayn to just let it go. Whatever had happened a few minutes ago was over now and is something Liam would rather forget all about. Zayn wants nothing more than to ask what it all was, why Liam had gotten so close only to pull away at the last second, but he also understands Liam’s obvious embarrassment and fear and decides that he can probably let it go. For now.

“Yeah,” Zayn says, forcing a smile that Liam notices doesn’t reach his eyes. “Something like that.”


	9. Chapter Nine

It would be an understatement to say Zayn is surprised to find Liam standing at his front door wearing a nervous smile and looking as if he isn’t entirely sure if he should be there or not. They’d had plans to hang out and finish their project but Zayn’s father was at work and his mom had some last minute errands to run so Zayn ended up having to stay home and watch his younger sisters.

“Hey,” Liam says with a small wave of his hand as he shifts his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

Zayn rubs at the back of his neck, closing the door slightly so Liam can’t see the inside of the apartment. It’s not dirty but is small and so unlike what Liam is used to and it would be an even bigger understatement than Zayn’s obvious surprise to say that he was embarrassed.

“I uh…” Zayn begins. “Hi.”

“Is it okay that I’m here?” Liam asks. “I was kind of disappointed when you said you couldn’t come over today so I figured I would come to you.”

Zayn leans against the door frame  his eyes trained on the ground but occasionally flicking up to catch a glimpse of Liam through his lashes. “Oh.”

Liam is beginning to feel even more self-conscious due to Zayn’s lack of verbal interaction. He figured coming over would a be a good idea because they would still get to hang out and Liam would possibly get to know a little more about Zayn since he wasn’t quick to share much about his personal life.  

“Is this okay” Liam repeats and he still looks unbelievably unsure when Zayn meets his gaze which sort of makes Zayn feel a little better knowing that Liam is just as nervous as he is.

“No,” Zayn answers shaking his head as he draws in a deep breath. “You—you don’t have to go.”

Liam sighs in relief, his shoulders relaxing as an easy smile forms on his lips. “Good. Mind if I come in?”

Zayn glances back into his apartment and wordlessly shakes his head as he tentatively opens the door so Liam can step inside. His eyes fall shut as he braces himself for whatever Liam might have to say. He expects something about the place being smaller than he imagined or for Liam to scrunch up his face and make up an excuse about having to go home because he really doesn’t want to be caught dead stepping foot into a place so far below his standards.

But Zayn gets none of that. Instead, when he opens his eyes, Zayn finds Liam scanning the living room taking in all the little details that Zayn has a tendency to overlook. Things like the family photos situated on the end table in the living room or the flowers Zayn’s father had brought home to surprise his mother the night before. It’s the knickknacks lining the bookcase next to the television that catch Liam’s eye not the size of the apartment or the less than ornate décor.

“So this is where Zayn Malik lives,” Liam says, finally turning around to face his friend.

Zayn can feel his cheeks flush as he shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah. I uh… Yeah.”

“It’s nice.”

“I guess. It’s nothing compared to your house though.”

Liam shakes his head, taking another moment to look around the apartment. “No, this is different.”

Zayn doesn’t bother with asking Liam what he means by that because he isn’t sure he wants to know and he’s pretty positive Liam doesn’t want to elaborate. Instead he excuses himself so he can grab his book from his sisters’ room and them about staying in their room because he has company. 

“I’ll be right back. You can sit down if you want. I won’t be long.”

When he opens the bedroom door he finds his sisters sitting on the floor flipping through the pages of Great Expectations and reenacting some of the scenes with their dolls.

“You’re back to finish reading, Zayn?” They ask when he kneels down to pick up the book.

“Uh… No,” Zayn answers. “A friend from school just dropped by to work on a project so I’ll be out in the living room. I need you guys to stay in here so we can work okay?”

His sisters eye him curiously for a moment before nodding their heads in unison and picking up their dolls. “Okay.”

Zayn smiles and presses a kiss to the tops of each of their heads before ruffling their hair. “Thanks.”

Back in the living room Liam I standing in front of the bookcase next to the TV looking at a few of Zayn’s old family photos. When he hears Zayn enters he turns around holding a photo of Zayn when he was three or four sitting in the bathtub with shampoo in his hair. He’s looking up, smiling at the camera and Zayn can’t help but to cringe at the thought of Liam finding the photo.

“Put it back,” he says, trying to suppress the embarrassed smile that is fighting the corners of his mouth.

“It’s a nice picture,” Liam says, grinning as he looks back down at it. “Very becoming.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say. I think we have more important things to focus on that don’t involve you finding all of my embarrassing baby pictures.”

He moves to sit down on the couch as Liam takes on last lingering look at the picture before returning it to the shelf and joining Zayn on the other side of the room.

“I guess you’re right,” he says as he sits down. “Although I do think sifting through old pictures of you would be more fun than dissecting the Dickens.”

Zayn shakes his head but is unable to hide his grin as he opens his book. “I doubt it. Besides it wouldn’t even be fair because I haven’t seen one baby picture of you.”

“And we’re going to keep it that way,” Liam says with a friendly smile as he bumps Zayn’s shoulder with his own.

They continue on with the playful banter as they work their way through the rest of the novel taking notes and thinking about what they’re going to put into their final product. Zayn finds himself loving how easy it is to be around Liam; to laugh and joke and have someone to talk to; a friend. He was thinking it would be a little awkward having Liam in his house – especially after what had happened the last time they’d hung out. Zayn thought almost kissing Liam would scare him away and cause him to become wary of hanging out. But it didn’t and Liam wasn’t and Zayn was grateful.

“How did you find out where I lived anyways?” Zayn asks, as Liam jots down a few notes onto a sheet of paper.

“School directory,” Liam answers.

“You have access to that?”

Liam looks up and shakes his head. “No. Well… I’m not supposed to, I guess. I was on student council last year and I did, but I guess they forgot to revoke my privileges since I’m not on council this year so… I have access even though I’m not supposed to.”

Zayn looks down at what Liam had written and shakes his head. “I don’t think we need to mention this in the presentation,” he says pointing down at the page. “It doesn’t go along with the overall theme we’re focusing on.”

Liam glances down at his writing, reaching over around the same time as Zayn does to grab for the pen. He gets there a few seconds after Zayn, his fingers wrapping around Zayn’s hand instead of the pen causing him to freeze and his eyes to shift down toward where their hands are entwined. Zayn’s hand is warm beneath his own and Liam has to fight to resist the urge to turn it over and hold Zayn’s hand properly.

Liam swallows heavily and feels the blood rush to his cheeks when he realizes he’s probably been holding onto Zayn’s hand for far too long. “Oh… um, I’m sorry I –”

Liam lets go of Zayn’s hand and looks down into his lap. He thought he’d been good about suppressing the thoughts and feelings he’d been having about Zayn. He’d come over and seen Zayn’s house and talked to him as if nothing had changed. Their banter was easy and fun and Liam had barely even glanced at Zayn’s mouth or noticed the way he had a habit of licking his lips before he spoke. Liam had done a dammed good job of not acknowledging how completely and utterly beautiful the boy sitting next to him was.

“Liam.”

“No. It’s fine. I’m sorry we should get back to work.”

Zayn frowns at Liam’s haste to avoid the situation and almost listens as he moves to open his book, but then he hears Liam mumble a quiet “fuck” under his breath and Zayn figures no matter how nervous the topic makes him and how afraid he is of ruining things even further he needs to say something because things can’t keep going the way they are.

“It’s not fine, Liam,” Zayn says quietly. If he had spoken any softer Liam probably wouldn’t have heard him.

“What?”

Zayn looks up and sighs. “It’s not fine. Things aren’t fine and I don’t think we can just go back to working on this project pretending as if nothing even happened.”

“I don’t—”

“You almost kissed me last week, Liam,” Zayn voices, cutting Liam off.

Liam freezes and watches as Zayn’s face flushes a deep shade of pink, his eyes falling down into his lap. Zayn fiddles with his fingers and Liam sits in shock because he wasn’t expecting Zayn to say anything about the last time they’d hung out. Liam can’t tell if Zayn is upset about them almost kissing or if he doesn’t mind it at all. He doesn’t know if Zayn wants him to leave or to stay. Liam is at a loss and it scares him because he has no idea where he stands. At least when he was keeping his feelings to himself he knew everything with Zayn was fine. They were nothing more than friends and while Liam obviously had some feelings he needed to sort though, Zayn knew nothing about them. On the outside, everything was okay. It was the inner workings of Liam’s head that were a bit flawed.

But Liam had gone and let his feelings get the best of him and everything was messed up and he has no idea how to fix it.

“Zayn, I— I’m sorry. I figured if we just pretended like nothing had ever happened everything would be okay. I was obviously wrong and now I’ve gone and fucked everything up and I’m just… I’m sorry.”

“Do you wish it had never happened?” Zayn asks, lifting his gaze to meet Liam’s.

Liam’s eyes widen and he shifts in his seat so he can see Zayn a bit better. “Honestly?” He asks, swallowing the lump in his throat. He’s scared out of his mind, but he figures the best thing right now would be to be completely honest with Zayn and whatever happens is for the best.

He shakes his head. “No. I wanted to—I wanted to kiss you back at my house but I was too scared of freaking you out.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Zayn replies softly.

“You wanted to kiss me?” Liam asks. He closes his eyes and mentally kicks himself because the question sounds so self-indulgent and juvenile. But when Liam looks back up he catches Zayn wearing that sheepish smile that never fails to make Liam’s stomach flutter.

“For a while now.”

Liam licks his lips and glances around the room before shifting closer to Zayn. He can hear the other boy’s sharp intake of air and it causes Liam’s heart to race even quicker than it already is. He places a shaky hand on Zayn’s thigh and exhales through his nose. “Can I – what if I kissed you now?”

Zayn’s lips are slightly parted when he nods his head. It isn’t a direct answer to Liam’s question, but Liam assumes this is Zayn saying it’s okay if he leans in a little further.

It’s nothing at all like Zayn had imagined it. In his head, when he finally got the chance to kiss Liam, it was somewhere romantic like on a beach or in the rain after Liam had eloquently professed his love for him. It was something slightly cheesy but everything anyone could ever hope to have. Zayn sure didn’t think he’d be kissing Liam on the ratty old couch in his living room while his younger sisters were playing with their dolls in the bedroom down the hall.

Liam’s lips are a little rough and chapped and Zayn relishes in the way they scratch against his own. Liam’s hand is warm and the light pressure of his fingers against the nape of Zayn’s neck drives him a little crazy because he somehow knows its Liam’s silent way of telling him to stay a little closer; he doesn’t want Zayn to leave just yet. Zayn can taste coffee and just a hint of cinnamon and mint flavored toothpaste and it tastes like heaven.

Pretty soon Zayn feels as though he can’t breathe but he doesn’t want to pull back because he isn’t quite ready for this to be over. He’s sure the minute Liam’s lips leave his own he’s going to wake up in a cold sweat on the couch with an embarrassing hard-on between his legs. He just knows it’s a possibility because things like this simply don’t happen to him. Zayn hopes and wishes but nothing ever really comes true. He can look at Liam and he can watch him from afar, he can hang out with him under the pretense of a school project, but Zayn is pretty sure he would never be able to get Liam to make out with him on his living room couch.

Things like that simply don’t happen.

It’s Liam who pulls away quick puffs of air slipping past his kiss swollen lips. He licks at the corners of his mouth and smiles softly as he ducks his head.

“I…”

Zayn feels like his chest is about to explode with the amount of nerves he’s feeling. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Me neither… I did like that though,” Liam says. He pauses before adding. “I like you.”

Liam isn’t sure what makes him say it. He knows it’s a bad idea telling Zayn that he likes him and he knows that with the way things are going he’s going to start making promises he won’t be able to keep. Liam is well aware of the fact that this can’t really go anywhere. There’s the fact that he’s dating Ashley and his father would never approve of a relationship with Zayn and what would his friends at school think? Liam would be absolutely ruined.

“Me too. I like you too,” Zayn replies and Liam can’t help but to think Zayn looks so pretty when he smiles and his lips are soft and pliant against his own and with the way Zayn is looking at Liam now, like he’s the most amazing thing he’s ever laid eyes on, there’s no way Liam can turn away now.

He’ll just have to figure something out.


	10. Chapter Ten

_“How long?” Zayn asks into the phone late one night while his parents and sisters are asleep. He’s lying on the couch in the living room, the house phone pressed tight between his ear and the pillow talking to Liam for what feels like the thousandth day in a row even though it’s only been a few days since Liam had been over to his house. He still can’t believe it, Liam wanting him. It’s surreal because it’s something Zayn had only hoped for since he’d laid eyes on the boy at school a few years ago. Zayn would have settled for friendship – he was more than happy to have Liam as a friend – but now that more is an option Zayn is having a hard time grasping the idea._

_“How long what?” Liam whispers on the other end. His voice is hushed and breathy and sends a shiver up Zayn’s spine that he’s discovered happens nearly every time he and Liam have these late night conversations._

_“Have you, you know…” Zayn says. He’s blushing even though he knows Liam can’t see him. “How long have you liked me for?”_

_Miles away, Liam is locked away in his bedroom buried under the blankets wondering exactly how to answer Zayn’s question. He thinks back to that day when he’d first noticed Zayn and wanted nothing more than to see him smile. “I don’t know,” he says, truthfully. “I remember seeing you for the first time when school just started and I thought you were… I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I guess. And then… and then I kept seeing you and I couldn’t stop thinking about you and then I got to know you, and I just… I liked you, Zayn. It just happened.”_

_Zayn pulls the think blanket he’s wrapped up in further up his body until it’s resting just under his chin and sighs into the phone. He feels warm inside in a way he hasn’t really felt before, but it’s been present ever since he learned the taste and touch of Liam’s lips and he doesn’t want it to go away._

_“I like you too,” he says quietly, closing his eyes as he tries to picture Liam curled up in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking of him. Zayn likes to think Liam smiles every time Zayn whispers something into the receiver and that he remembers every word. He likes to think Liam falls asleep happy and wakes up the next morning with their conversations fresh on his mind._

_Zayn likes to think these things mean just as much to Liam as they do to him._

The morning of the first day back at school Zayn tugs on Liam’s jacket and leaves the apartment with a smile. He waits at the bus stop and isn’t even fazed by strange looks he receives from the other students as he takes his seat near the back and stares at the window. Nobody ever really pays him any attention, but Zayn figures they’re probably wondering why he looks so happy about returning to school after a month away. Zayn can’t bring himself to care though because he’s excited. He hasn’t seen Liam since that day in his living room. He’s only heard his voice late at night while he hides under the blankets sharing secrets through the phone.

Zayn feels as though the bus couldn’t possibly move any slower and when it stops in front of the school he all but flies out the door and into the school. He figures Liam will be arriving soon and Zayn knows he always heads straight to the courtyard to meet his friends, so he takes a seat under the tree Liam had first seen him under and waits.

Zayn wonders if Liam will introduce him too his friends; if he’ll smile and wave before pulling Zayn into a hug and whispering something about how much he’s missed him. He wonders if Liam will ditch his friends all together just to spend time together before the first bell rings, sending them to their respective classes.

Zayn just feels like things will be different. He feels as though things are changing and Liam isn’t just unknowingly holding Zayn’s heart in the back pocket of his jeans. Liam’s holding it in his arms, keeping it safe and sound against his own.

Zayn can see Liam’s friends now gathered around a picnic table laughing and talking amongst themselves, probably sharing stories about Christmas and New Years. He remembers Liam mentioning something about a dinner his father had made him attend a few days ago upon seeing Ashley and pang of jealousy hits Zayn hard in the chest because he knows she had been there hanging on Liam’s arm. He remembers Liam saying it was no big deal, he only brought her for appearances sake, but Zayn can’t help but to wish it could have been him at the dinner with Liam.

He’s almost on his way to losing all excitement and optimism about the day when he hears a familiar voice call out a hello from the other side of the courtyard. Zayn cranes his neck, an all too familiar smile tugging at the corners of his lips, when he spots Liam crossing the grass. He looks absolutely stunning in an off white sweater and a pair of dark jeans, his backpack slung casually over his shoulder. Liam spots Zayn and he starts to grin and veer off toward the tree when he remembers where he is.

His stops dead in his tracks and looks back to his friends who are waving him over. He glances toward Zayn who is about to stand to his feet and meet Liam halfway between the tree and where he’s standing.

When Liam hasn’t moved for a few good seconds he can see the confusion wash over Zayn’s face and his heart falls because he’s pretty sure that Zayn is fitting the pieces together. Liam knows Zayn’s smart and it isn’t as if this is the first time this has happened.

Liam had told himself this wouldn’t happen. He’d psyched himself up this morning and said he was going to see Zayn today and genuinely be his friend, maybe even hug him a little longer than necessary because Liam has missed the way Zayn’s body felt pressed against his own. He told himself things would be different because Zayn deserved it. Liam told himself that his friends shouldn’t care who he decides to hang out with because, if they were his friends at all, it really shouldn’t matter.

Liam told himself all of these things and, at the time, he actually believed them, but now that he’s actually standing in front of the only boy to ever make him truly smile and the people that literally hold his reputation and social standing in the palms of their hands Liam isn’t sure of what to do.

“What are you going, Liam?” One of his friends calls out, laughter filling his voice as he waves him over. “Get your ass on over here; we only have a few minutes until the bell.”

Liam sighs and adjusts the weight of his backpack on his shoulder before shooting Zayn a quick look that says  _I’m sorry and I’ll talk to you late; nothing has changed_ and hopes that Zayn gets it because that’s really all Liam can manage to do right now.

Liam doesn’t miss the way Zayn’s face falls into something resembling sadness and disappointment and shame.

Liam doesn’t allow his gaze to linger as he closes the distance between himself and his friends. He doesn’t dare glance behind him to catch the sorrow and the very noticeable tinge of jealousy in Zayn’s eyes when Ashley pulls him into a hug and presses her lips to Liam’s. Liam doesn’t acknowledge the way he finds the slip and slide of Ashley’s lip gloss disgusting and completely unpleasant. He doesn’t think about how easy it was kissing Zayn; the way their lips and their bodies seemed to have this innate knowledge of how to work together. Liam’s mind did, in no way, linger on the simple ebb and flow of simply being around Zayn and the way all things negative seemed to fade away leaving him to feel nothing but happiness and acceptance.

Liam does however spend a little time (but not long because thinking about it makes him feel sick) wondering why it’s so hard for him to accept that what he has with Zayn is what he wants. He does spend time wondering why it’s so difficult for him to walk away from people who would more than likely cast him aside if they so much as had an inkling of an idea that Liam was friends, let alone possibly falling in love, with the “charity case.”

He doesn’t see Zayn again until lunch when Liam sneaks away to the library where he knows Zayn is hiding out because he just knows he isn’t going to be eating his sandwich under the tree like he usually does.

Zayn is sitting at a table near the back of the library flipping through the pages of one of those “believe it or not” books. Liam almost loses his nerve and turns around to leave when Zayn lifts his gaze halfway through turning one of the pages.

Liam sighs and offers a guilty smile as he rubs at the back of his neck and approaches the table. “Hey…” he says slowly, taking a seat across from Zayn.

Zayn lowers his gaze. “Hi.”

“Listen, I –”

“You don’t have to say anything, Liam,” Zayn says quietly, not bothering with lifting his eyes from the wood of the table. He’s picking at one of the corners just so he can give his hands something to do; it’s something Liam has noticed Zayn does only when he’s nervous or scared.

“But I—”

“I get it,” Zayn interjects again. “I get it. Whatever happened over break… it’s over; I understand. It was a mistake or… it doesn’t matter. We can just… we can present out project for class and then I’ll be out of your hair, okay? I understand.”

Zayn can feel the tears welling up behind his eyes and he squeezes them shut because he doesn’t want to give Liam the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He feels as though he should have known because things like this just don’t happen to him. Zayn can hope, but guys like Liam don’t kiss him and stick around. Zayn doesn’t have that kind of luck.

“What?” Liam says. “No, Zayn… That’s not—that’s not what I want.”

Zayn opens his eyes, wiping them with the back of his hand before looking up at Liam. “Then why did you ignore me in the courtyard this morning? I’m not stupid, Liam. You looked right at me and just… you left. I don’t know what we are exactly, but I assumed we were at least friends and friends don’t do that to each other.”

Liam sighs and drops his head against the table because he knows Zayn is right. Friends don’t do that and he’s just being selfish by dragging Zayn along and basically toying with emotions.

“I don’t know,” he says quietly, his voice muffled by the table. “I just… I’m scared, okay?”

“Of what?”

When Liam looks up he can see it all over Zayn’s face that he’s frustrated but trying to understand so he tries his best to explain. “My friends don’t… they wouldn’t understand,” he says. “I know that sounds stupid and shallow and I shouldn’t even care about that, but I do. I care about what they think and they – God, I feel like such an asshole…”

“They don’t like me,” Zayn says evenly. “They make fun of me and you’re… embarrassed.”

There’s no real hurt in Zayn’s voice when he says that Liam’s friends don’t like him, but Liam doesn’t miss the way his voice almost breaks when Zayn says that he’s embarrassed.

“I’m not –”

“Just tell the truth, Liam; you can give me that much at least. You don’t want them to know you’re hanging out with me. You don’t want them to think that you like me because they’ll laugh at you. You don’t want them to ditch you and make you an outcast.”

Zayn is surprised at how easy it is for him to say all of this because, deep down, he’s known it to be true the whole time. He could hope and dream about Liam being proud and eager to introduce him to all of his friends but in the back of his mind, no matter how many times he told himself that Liam was different and that he didn’t care what people thought he knew in the end, Liam was just a boy who wanted to be liked. Zayn could place Liam on a pedestal all he wanted, but that didn’t keep Liam from being human.

Liam sighs, dragging a hand over his face. He figures everything is over now because he’s actually managed to fuck things up just as he knew he eventually would. Zayn was too good for him. Zayn was brave and kind and smart and funny and everything Liam wasn’t.

 “I’m sorry.”

Zayn nods, chewing on his bottom lip as a sigh of his own escapes his lungs. “it’s okay; I don’t… I don’t care.”

Liam furrows his brow, confused. “What?”

Zayn shrugs his shoulders and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t… It’s okay. We can just do things the way we did before. We’ll hang out outside of school and… you don’t have to tell anybody. It’s okay.”

Zayn doesn’t know why he’s saying it because it isn’t everything he wants and he knows he deserves better than this. Zayn just knows he’s been waiting for so long for Liam to notice him and to smile at him, let alone kiss him and want to spend hours talking into the wee hours of the morning for him to give it all up. Zayn just knows that people like Liam don’t just happen to guys like him so he’s going to have to take what he can get and, right now, this is all Liam has to offer.

Looking has at Liam, Zayn still has hope that things can change; that if he waits it out Liam can be brave enough to be his outside of the confines of their bedrooms and without the pretense of a school project. As naïve as it sounds in his head, Zayn figures hoping worked once before so maybe it can work again.

So he smiles and tells Liam it’s okay even though it really isn’t. He tells him to go on and hang out with his friends, they can talk more later, even though he only wants Liam to stay with him a while longer. Zayn does this against his better judgment because he has hope.

He can only hope. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is officially caught up with everything i have posted on tumblr so updates will be a bit slower than they have been so far (like about once a week). i'll try to keep things as regular as possible though :)))

“So prom is coming up,” Ashley says, linking her arm with Liam’s as they navigate the hallway after English lets out. Liam only nods, his mind still focused on how well his presentation with Zayn had gone. He finds himself thinking about how excited Zayn had been while he explained the conclusions they came to about each character, the way his eyes lit up when someone actually asked a question. He remembers the fondness in their teacher’s voice when she told them their work was a job well done and the ecstatic grin on Zayn’s face upon hearing the words.

It was the first time since their conversation in the library that Liam had been less than a few feet away from Zayn and the close proximity Liam’s lack of ability to actually reach out and touch Zayn, to laugh with him and make him smile, was driving him insane.

Liam is grateful for Zayn’s offer to allow him the freedom to maintain his popular façade while still hanging out with Zayn in secret. He’s glad that he isn’t being forced to make a choice, but Liam also can’t shake the guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he thinks about Zayn sitting alone at lunch picking at the sandwich his mother makes for him every morning. He doesn’t miss the sad, hopeful, smile that finds Zayn’s lips whenever they pass each other in the hallway and Liam can’t even manage a subtle wave in his friend’s direction.

Liam feels like an asshole, but he isn’t sure what to do about it because as much as he cares about Zayn and values their friendship – or whatever it is they have going – he’s still scared.

“I think we should really crack down on campaigning,” Ashley says, tearing Liam from his thoughts.

“Campaigning?” Liam asks.

“Prom Queen and King?” Ashley clarifies, raising her brows. “Were you not listening to a thing I was saying?”

Liam nods. “Yeah, I was. I just… prom isn’t until April.”

“It’s already almost February, Liam. We need to make sure people realize just how great we are together. We need to make sure people know we’re together. We need posters and flyers. We need to think about color coordinating our outfits…”

Liam’s mind wanders as Ashley drags him out of the school and into the parking lot. While Ashley prattles on about dresses and how great she looks in blue, Liam spots Zayn walking toward the bus stop. Liam allows his eyes to linger, watching as Zayn zips his hoodie and adjusts his books in his arms.

“That kid really gets on my nerves,” Ashley mutters.

“Who? Zayn?” Liam asks and she nods, frowning as she stares. “He’s not that bad.”

Ashley scoffs. “He’s annoying. He’s always staring at us during lunch with this dumb look on his face.” She shakes her head. “And don’t even get me started on the way he looks at you. It’s disgusting.”

“What are you talking about?” Liam asks nervously. He can see the way Ashley is looking at Zayn, and it sets his nerves on edge.

“He’s fucking gay for you, Liam,” she says. “He stares at you with these puppy dog eyes and he smiles. You should have seen him during your presentation; he was practically eye fucking you the entire time.”

Liam’s car is parked a few feet away from the bus stop where Zayn is standing. There are a few other students waiting with him, one of them Liam recognizes from his math class. As they get closer, Ashley is still going on about how sick and annoying Zayn’s crush is and Liam notices right away when Zayn picks up on the conversation.

“It doesn’t matter, Ash,” Liam says calmly, hoping to end the discussion before Zayn realizes who and what they’re talking about. “Nothing has happened, so… there’s nothing to worry about.”

“So you think it’s okay?” Ashley questions, her eyebrows furrowing as she nods her head in Zayn’s direction. “You think it’s cool that the little faggot over there eye fucks you right in front of me? Do you think it’s appropriate?”

Liam’s breath catches in his throat at Ashley’s words and the realization that Zayn is looking right at them. He can see the hurt pooling in Zayn’s eyes and feel the venom pulsing through Ashley’s veins as she too notices Zayn has been listening.

“What are you looking at?” She asks, coolly.

“N-nothing,” Zayn answers, shaking his head. “I just…”

“Ash, it’s fine. Let’s just go, okay?” Liam says taking Ashley’s hand and leading her toward his car. She goes, willingly, but mutters “faggot” under her breath just loud enough for Zayn to hear. Liam sighs, chancing an apologetic look over his shoulder toward Zayn but Zayn isn’t even looking because he’s too busy staring at his shoes.

Zayn feels stupid and lonely and small. He doesn’t even know what he did to make Ashley angry with him. He’d only looked at her and Liam when he heard them talking. Granted, he knows Ashley has caught him staring during lunch a few times, but he never thought of it as anything serious. He’d think of it as a case of jealousy, but he hardly believes Ashley could see him as any sort of competition for Liam. Even Zayn doesn’t see himself as competition because if he were Liam wouldn’t have been so quick to accept his offer of a secret friendship.

The thought of that alone makes Zayn feel even worse because it makes him realize just how insignificant he is in the grand scheme of things. Yes, Liam thinks he’s special and, sure, Liam is his friend and Zayn doesn’t doubt that Liam cares for him on some level; that isn’t something Zayn doubts. It’s just that Zayn feels so much smaller than he’d like too. Over winter break Liam had time and freedom. His days were empty and he was able to make time for both Zayn and Ashley as well as all of the other friends in between. Zayn and Liam could see each other freely without worrying about who would see them or what people would think.

But now things were different. They were back at school and different politics were at play. Liam had an image to uphold. He had people to please and being friends with Zayn didn’t really fit in to this reassumed politician lifestyle. Zayn, essentially, was the dirty little secret stashed away in the darkest corner of Liam’s closet.

And even though Zayn was okay with this, even though he loved Liam enough to take what he was able to offer, Zayn still felt sad and a little bit pathetic.

“Hey.”

Zayn is startled to feel a hand resting on his shoulder. He hears a boy laugh lightly behind him and when he turns around he comes face to face with a kid he recognizes from Liam’s math class. He’d seen him trail out of the classroom after Liam at the end of the period from time to time.

“You scared me,” Zayn mumbled.

The boy smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “Sorry. I uh…, I just noticed that you looked a little sad. I saw what happened with that couple earlier and I figured I’d see if you were okay.”

Zayn’s eyes widen a little because nobody ever stops to see if he’s alright. Nobody ever takes the time to notice him at all. “I’m… yeah. I’m fine. I just… I don’t know. I try not to let that stuff get to me; people calling me names, making fun of me… I’m usually able to ignore it.”

“You don’t have to try and explain anything to me,” the boy assures him. “I know what you mean. You don’t even want to know how many times I’ve heard people call me a faggot during passing periods. It happens every day.”

Zayn lowers his gaze, kicking at a pebble near his shoes. “Oh…”

“I’m Louis, by the way,” he says, extending his hand.

Zayn looks up, and sees the genuine smile on Louis’ face. He notices the way his eyes crinkle around the edges and he can’t help but to smile back as he shakes Louis’ hand. “Zayn.”

“So that’s your name…” Louis says, taking his hand back and shoving them into his pockets. “I see you around all the time. You’re always so quiet… just walking around with your head down like you’re… I don’t know, like you’re thinking about something so much bigger than everything or something.”

Zayn shakes his head, laughing quietly to himself. “No. I just don’t like being noticed.”

Louis is about to reply when the bus arrives. They watch as a few people get off and then, once everything is clear, Louis nods toward the open doors. “Sit with me?” He asks.

Zayn is surprised by how easily Louis asks. He can’t help but to notice the way Louis didn’t check to see who could be around to hear the invitation the way Liam sometimes does when he speaks to Zayn in open areas. He can sense Louis’ genuine interest in spending time with him and getting to know him and he knows it won’t be under any false pretenses.

Zayn adjusts his backpack on his shoulder and nods in agreement. “Sure.”

Louis likes theater and movies and he plays the guitar. He has a tendency to laugh a little too loudly and he likes to make wild hand gestures when he talks. He also likes to touch which, initially, catches Zayn off guard and makes him a little uncomfortable, but eventually he realizes that Louis is just friendly and there is no real harm in physical contact.

“You’re so quiet,” Louis observes, leaning back in his seat as the bus stops at a light.

Zayn shrugs. “When you don’t have anyone to talk to, you kind of get used to keeping your mouth shut.”

Zayn is a bit surprised by his honesty, but he decides that maybe it isn’t such a bad thing to say what is on his mind. And he feels comfortable around Louis; like he won’t be judged for whatever comes out of his mouth because Louis seems to understand where Zayn is coming from. He knows what it’s like to sit at the bottom of the totem pole and Zayn knows he won’t be judged for it. Zayn also knows Liam doesn’t think any less of him because he isn’t popular and that Liam likes Zayn for who he is, but Zayn also realizes that it isn’t really the same either.

Louis frowns at Zayn’s words and shakes his head. “Sucks.”

“Not really. I don’t mind being alone.”

“Yeah, but you should also have the option not to be alone too, you know?”

“True. But it’s not like I ever really tried to make friends either.”

“So you like being alone?”

Zayn shrugs as the bus starts up again. “I guess; sometimes. It’s not like I’m opposed to having friends or anything though. I just… I never got around to making them.”

Zayn doesn’t mention that he never made friends because he’d much rather spend his time pining after who he’s only just realized wants him but is too afraid to actually have him. Zayn also doesn’t mention that if given the choice, he’d probably throw away the chance to have all the friends he could ever want if it meant he could have Liam the way he’s always wanted him. He doesn’t say any of this because he knows that even if Zayn has this feeling that Louis understands him a little better than anyone else he knows, he probably wouldn’t be able to get a handle on the way Zayn feels about Liam.

“Well… I’ll be your friend,” Louis says, grinning.

Zayn tilts his head to the side as his lips quirk up into a smile. He nods as the bus comes to a stop a few blocks away from his house. “Okay.” he says, gathering his books and slipping his backpack onto his shoulders. Louis makes some room for Zayn to step out into the isle, still grinning as Zayn turns back around to face him. “I think I’d like that.”

Louis sees him off with a friendly wave and a promise to see him at school the next day. When he’s off the bus, Zayn watches it pull off into the street and smiles to himself as he starts the walk back to his apartment. Considering how sad and alone he’d been feeling a little over a half hour earlier, Zayn is feeling pretty good. He’s happy because he’d made a friend and even though things with Liam are a little more complicated than he’d like them to be, Zayn finds solace in knowing that he has that too.

Zayn sighs happily at the warmth that spreads through his body upon stepping into his living room. His mother is in the kitchen chopping vegetables and offers a welcoming smile upon seeing Zayn walk through the front door.

“How was school?” She asks.

Zayn grins. “Good, actually. I made a friend.”

His mom raises her brows in surprise. “Really? You must be getting popular because you got a phone call from a friend a few minutes ago.”

“I did?” Zayn replies. He knows it had to have been Liam because nobody else would ever call for him here.

“Yeah. He said his name was Liam and asked me to tell you to call him when you got home.”

Zayn nods, trying to hide the grin tugging at his lips because Liam had probably called to make sure everything was alright. He was always concerned about hurting Zayn’s feelings even though it had a tendency of happening on a regular basis.

“Okay. I’ll call him now then. Thanks, mom,” Zayn says moving to grab the phone and dialing Liam’s number. He takes a seat on the couch, glancing back towards his mother who is now humming to herself, lost in her own little world of chopping vegetables in the kitchen.

“Hey. Zayn?” Liam answers on the third ring.

“Yeah,” says. “It’s me.”

“Hey. I tried calling earlier, but your mom said you weren’t home yet.”

“I was still on the bus. I just got in.”

Zayn can hear shuffling in the background before Liam sighs on the other end. “I was just uh… I wanted to apologize for earlier. What Ashley said wasn’t – ” He cuts himself off. “I just wanted to say I was sorry, okay?”

“It’s not your fault, Liam,” Zayn responds, looking back toward his mom to make sure she isn’t eavesdropping. “I don’t blame you for anything. Besides, it’s not anything I haven’t gotten used to over the years.”

There’s a short silence. Zayn can hear Liam start to say something, but he stops himself before the words come out. Zayn is just about to ask what he was about to say when Liam breaks the silence himself. “Do you think you can meet me at the park tonight? Maybe around eight?”

“Eight?” Zayn asks, leaning back into the couch.

“Yeah. I mean… unless another time would be better. I just… we haven’t hung out in a while because of school and my friends have been keeping me really busy and I… I kind of miss just being around you a little bit.”

Zayn feels his face grow hot and he ducks his head to hide it even though nobody is really around to notice. “Eight is fine,” he says into the receiver. “But um… I think I should go because my mom is in the kitchen and I think she can only not listen to my phone calls for so long.”

Liam laughs on the other line and Zayn’s stomach twists at the sound. “Okay then. I’ll see you at eight.”

They each say their goodbyes before hanging up the phone and Zayn sinks further into the couch clutching the phone to his chest, remembering the sound of Liam’s voice in his ear and anticipating the next moment he’ll get to hear it in person.   


	12. Chapter Twelve

Liam has been waiting for fifteen minutes when he finally spots Zayn crossing the street to the park. His chest tightens at the sight of Zayn pulling the fabric of his hoodie closer to his body to shield himself from the cold and Liam subconsciously wonders if Zayn does that all the time; if he holds the jacket to his nose and tries to find some trace of Liam’s scent imbedded into the cotton.

When Zayn is close enough, Liam can see his lips curve up into a shy smile as he waves hello. He stands up, brushing the grass from his jeans and meets Zayn half way, stopping a few feet in front of him. Zayn’s nose has turned a light shade of pink and his cheeks are flushed and Liam doesn’t think he’s seen anything prettier.

“Sorry I’m late. I had some stuff with my family and I couldn’t get away.”

Liam nods. “It’s fine. I haven’t been here that long.”

The fall silent for a few moments and Liam takes the time to really look at Zayn. He notices the way his hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his worn jeans, the way his eyes are trained on the ground. Liam makes note of how Zayn will occasionally look up through his lashes to catch him staring and he kind of takes pride in the way Zayn blushes before looking back at his shoes.

Mostly, Liam notices just how much Zayn likes him and it makes him feel bad because Liam knows he’s been taking advantage. Whether he meant to do it on purpose or not, Liam has been using Zayn’s unyielding affection to his advantage. He’s been hiding him away and allowing his friends to make fun of him. Liam has been getting everything he wants while Zayn hides away in the shadows receiving close to nothing in return aside from a few late night conversations and shy kisses on his living room couch.

Liam sighs and nervously rubs the back of his neck as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “Hey...” he starts.

Zayn looks up, raising his brows. “Yeah?”

“I know I already apologized on the phone, I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately actually…” Liam laughs softly to himself. “But um… I really am sorry about what happened after school today. Ashley shouldn’t have said any of those things to you and I should have had the balls to—”

Zayn raises his hand, cutting Liam off as he shakes his head. “It’s fine, Liam; really. You don’t have to keep apologizing to me. I’m… it’s fine, okay?”

“But it’s not,” Liam says. “I feel like I’m… I don’t know. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you or something. Like you’re being so nice to me about all of this and I’m just… I feel like you’re not getting anything back.”

Zayn cocks his head to the side, not quite sure what Liam means because he never really thought they had an agreement where they were trading favors with one another. “What?”

Liam shrugs his shoulders feeling embarrassed and a little ashamed of himself. “I just feel… I feel like I’ve been such an asshole to you lately and you’ve only been nice to me. My friends are all mean to you and you’ve basically told me it’s cool if I act like I don’t know you at school which is… I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve only been messing things up and its wrong and I—” Liam huffs out a breath of air, trying to regulate his thoughts. He knows he’s rambling and he’s probably not making that much sense and he only wants Zayn to understand where he’s coming from. Liam doesn’t know how to put what he’s feeling into words. All he knows is that he feels something for Zayn he’s never really felt before and that scares him. Liam wants to dive in head first and experience everything with Zayn – to be his friend and to spend days with him in the park holding hands and feeding bread crumbs to the ducks, he wants to kiss Zayn in in the rain and feel like he’s floating. Liam wants to crawl between sheets and feel the heat of Zayn’s breath on his neck. He wants to go all the way and never look back and that scares him because by doing so Liam could lose everything.

But when Liam is in the park at a little past eight at night looking at Zayn who is looking at him with eyes wide as saucers, who looks at Liam like he’s the only thing in the world that matters, Liam doesn’t really care about what other people think. He just wants Zayn and its simple and it’s easy and it’s a feeling he never wants to go away.

“You’re not messing things up,” Zayn says quietly, shaking his head when Liam doesn’t finish his sentence.

“But I am.”

Zayn steps forward, a small smile playing over his lips as he takes Liam’s hands in his own. Zayn’s hands are warm where Liam’s are cold and he squeezes them tight because Liam really wants to remember everything about this boy. He wants to know him inside and out; better than Zayn even knows himself.

“No. I mean, I wish things at school were different too but they aren’t. I get that you’re scared and it will take time for you not to be scared and I can wait. I’m just glad that you’re here and we’re friends and…” Zayn shrugs, unsure how to finish. Just like Liam, he doesn’t really have words. He just knows that he’s in love with him and that he’ll take whatever it is Liam is able to offer at the moment even if it does hurt sometimes.

“We are friends,” Liam says, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He and Zayn are only separated by a few short inches of empty space. Liam can see and feel Zayn’s breath ghosting over his face on every exhale and it’s driving him insane because he only wants to kiss him and forget about everything else in the world even if it’s only for a little while.

Zayn nods. “Yeah.”

“But we’re more than that too, aren’t we?” Liam asks, his cheeks flushing from more than just the cold. “I mean… I kinda feel like we are.”

Zayn’s heart feels like it’s about to shoot straight out of his chest because he never thought something like this would happen to him. He knew Liam liked him on some level; it wasn’t something that had never been established. They’d made out on his couch and Liam had even told him so, but Zayn never thought they would ever be more than just friends who kissed from time to time when they were hidden away in dark corners.

And Liam had a girlfriend; a girlfriend who was blond and pretty and had everything going for her. Zayn figured he wouldn’t have been able to compete with someone like her. Ashley was popular and people liked her. Girls wanted to be her and guys wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with Liam so why would Liam risk such an opportunity to be with a nobody like Zayn. Nobody liked Zayn. Girls didn’t notice him, guys didn’t notice him and he was absolutely positive that nobody at school was waiting in line to live a life like his.

And yet, here Liam is, sneaking out on a school night to hang out with Zayn in a park simply because he missed him. Liam is standing right in front of him looking at him with wide, open eyes silently asking Zayn if he’s crazy for thinking this is more than just friendship; asking Zayn if it’s okay for him to want more than he already has and if Zayn is willing to give it to him even though he’s already given so much.

Zayn nods, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he chances a quick glance toward Liam’s lips. “Yeah,” he says. “I think we are.”

Liam starts to say something back, but closes his mouth before the words make it past his lips. Instead he chooses to take a moment to stare at Zayn because words seem like they would be too much. They always complicate things when he has an opportunity to make things simple. Liam doesn’t need to ask where they go from here because it really doesn’t matter at the moment. Right now, he just wants to be with Zayn without the worries about what people will think of him; of whether or not they will like that he’s maybe in love with a boy who doesn’t come from the same social group as he does. He doesn’t need to worry about his friends or his family or the lingering stares of his fellow students. All Liam needs and wants to think about is Zayn and the way his cheek feels both warm and cold beneath his palm. He only wants to focus on the way Zayn seems to lean into his touch on instinct and the way his eyes flutter shut then open again to look at Liam, to lean forward, his eyes wandering down to Liam’s lips in a silent question of whether or not it’s okay to taste and to feel and to lose track of time.

And it is. Liam doesn’t think he could want anything more.

 As always, Zayn tastes like home. His lips feel like clouds and Liam is floating. His hands find the hard angles of Zayn’s hips as Liam pulls his body closer to his own. Zayn feels warm despite the cold chill to the air and Liam wonders if it’s because Zayn really is or if it’s because all of this still feels a bit more than overwhelming.

Kissing Zayn is nothing like kissing Ashley. Kissing Ashley is a way to kill time and to feel good and maybe even get off for an afternoon. Its stress relief and it keeps Liam from having to think of things to say or from having to listen to whatever bullshit Ashley feels like blabbering on about. But sometimes kissing Ashley is a chore. Sometimes it’s hard because Liam will taste the sticky sweet lip gloss coating Ashley’s lips when he’s looking for the indescribable taste of home he finds on Zayn’s. His fingers will tangle in long blond hair when he’s missing the short hairs at the nape of Zayn’s neck. Zayn is sweet and nervous where Ashley is eager and slightly demanding.

Zayn gasps when he feels Liam hard against his thigh. He’s nervous because he isn’t sure of what’s supposed to happen next but it’s thrilling because he knows it’s because of him. He knows Liam’s heart is beating faster than usual because he can feel Zayn’s hands tugging softly at his hair, he knows Liam’s struggling to catch his breath every time they pull away for a few seconds because of him. Zayn knows that Liam whines softly in the back of his throat because it’s Zayn who’s gently biting down on Liam’s lower lip. It’s thrilling because Liam is in this uninhibited state all because of Zayn.

“I can—” Zayn starts, pulling back to catch his breath and so he can get a good look at Liam, but Liam is chasing his lips and pulling Zayn closer by his hips because he  doesn’t really want to talk right now, he just wants more of Zayn.

Zayn almost loses himself when he starts to kiss Liam back; he starts to forget all about asking Liam if this is moving too fast when he feels Liam’s hands sinking into the back pockets of his jeans causing him to jump and gasp into Liam’s mouth when Liam catches a firm hold onto his ass. Zayn almost forgets how to speak and do anything other than notice the way the bark feels a little rough against his back when Liam pushes him up against a tree. All Zayn knows is the way Liam’s breath feels hot against his skin as his mouth travels the line of his jaw while he grinds down against Zayn’s thigh. Everything is overwhelming and a little too much and yet not enough and Zayn doesn’t know what to do.

“Liam,” He breathes out, his head thumping against the tree trunk as he tries to ignore the way his own erection is beginning to ache within the confines of his jeans.

His hands are gripping Zayn’s hips, one moving to glide over the waist band of his pants until Liam can feel where Zayn is hard in his own jeans and it’s almost just the way Liam has been picturing it in his head for weeks. Granted, he never thought he’d be doing this with Zayn in a park at almost nine o’clock on a school night but all of the little noises Zayn is making are the same – the whimpers and the muffled whines and moans in the back of his throat – and Zayn’s hands gripping his shoulders and his hair. Its Liam’s name, high and breathy and falling from Zayn’s lips soft and smooth like silk. It’s everything Liam has ever wanted.

Zayn’s legs feel like they’re about to give out and he almost wants to tell Liam to stop because everything is still moving so fast. Liam was only just apologizing a little over ten minutes ago and now he’s sucking bruises into Zayn’s neck and grinding against his thigh and palming at the erection in Zayn’s jeans. It’s too much and not enough and even though Zayn knows this can complicate things even more than they already are he can’t bring himself to make Liam stop because he’s close and he really just wants to ride this out.

“Jesus,” Zayn sighs his head falling against Liam’s shoulder.

He can hear Liam groan softly in response as he detaches his lips from Zayn’s neck. Liam’s hand is still working at Zayn’s crotch when he cranes his neck trying to get a good look at Zayn’s face. He moves the hand he had resting on Zayn’s other hip up to lift Zayn’s face by his chin and Liam grins something fond and lustful as he catches Zayn’s gaze.

“I want to see you,” he says softly.

Zayn’s eyes are dazed and half-lidded when he nods his head and leans forward to press his lips against Liam’s. It’s kind of messy and way less romantic than it had been in the beginning but neither of them can really bring themselves to care because they’re both teetering on the edge. It’s then, when Zayn is licking patterns into his mouth, when Liam removes his hand from the front of Zayn’s jeans and slots their hips together just right before pressing Zayn even further against the tree and finding a steady rhythm. Only a few seconds pass by before Zayn’s hips are falling in time with Liam’s and things are becoming a little more rushed and erratic and Liam’s body shudders as he comes in his underwear, biting down a little too hard on Zayn’s bottom lip. Zayn gasps out at the flash of pain in his lip, but he’s not really thinking about it because not long after Liam, he’s spilling into his own briefs and slumping back against the tree with Liam’s head resting against his shoulder.

It’s quiet for a while as Zayn and Liam catch their breath. Zayn has his arms wrapped around Liam’s shoulders, his head still resting against the truck of the tree as the fog in his mind begins to clear and he realizes exactly what had just happened. Liam seems to do the same when he tenses up in Zayn’s grip and lifts his head so he can meet Zayn’s eye.

Liam realizes he’s in a park with a boy and he basically just dry humped him until he came. Liam realizes that this thing with Zayn has just become way more serious and that its more than just shy kisses in dark corners and, even though he’d thought about it late at night within the confines of his bedroom (and maybe a little during school even though he’d never admit to it), the idea of sex has kind of just been put on the table and everything is so much more real.

And if Liam thought he was scared before, he really is now because this is more than just a simple exploration of his sexuality. It’s more than him just thinking Zayn is pretty and nice and funny and amazing and wondering if that makes him gay. It’s more than just kissing him and talking to him on the phone until they fall asleep.

Liam’s beginning to think that things have gone too far and it’s too much to handle and even though he likes Zayn, even though Zayn could be the best friend he’s ever had, maybe he should walk away before it’s too late.

“Liam,” Zayn says quietly. “Are you – are you okay?”

Liam swallows the lump in his throat and nods his head, separating his own body from Zayn’s and dragging his hand over his face. “Yeah, I just… I wasn’t – I didn’t mean to… I never planned this.”

Zayn’s can feel where his heart is slipping through Liam’s fingers and he’s dreading the moment when it falls to the ground and shatters and Liam walks away leaving him to pick up the pieces. He’s waiting for it because as much as he’d hoped he should have known all of this was too good to be true.

“Oh,” is all he says because it’s all he can really manage at the moment.

Liam can see where Zayn is looking broken and defeated where he’s leaned up against the tree. He can see where Zayn is bracing himself for rejection and he wonders how many times Zayn has had to do so; how many times he’s had to prepare himself to hear the words “no; you’re not good enough.” It makes him wonder how many times Zayn has had someone tell him that he was.

Liam looks at Zayn and sees how scared he is and he can’t bring himself to tell him no just because he’s afraid. Liam looks at Zayn and he sees someone who has already done so much for him and he knows that walking away now would basically be a slap to Zayn’s face and Liam isn’t sure if he can do that.

“I don’t—I don’t regret it,” Liam says softly. “Being here with you, I don’t regret it.”

Zayn looks up. “You kinda make it seem that way.”

“I know and I’m sorry,” Liam says with a sigh. “I’m sorry for sending so many mixed signals and telling you one thing while doing something else. It’s messed up and I’m sorry. It’s just… I like you. A lot. More than I’ve ever liked anyone, I think, and it’s scary because I never even considered the fact that I could be gay or bisexual or whatever.”

Zayn chews on his bottom lip before sighing at looking at Liam with tired eyes. “You don’t have to make it so hard on yourself, Liam. I guess it’s not simple, but it also doesn’t have to be that hard.”

“Are you okay with this?” Liam asks, eyeing Zayn carefully. “With the way things are going?”

Zayn nods. “Yeah. I mean, I was a little worried because it all happened so fast, but…” he looks up, his cheeks flushed a light pink. “I liked it,” Zayn says. “I… I like you.”

Zayn doesn’t say love because he knows it’s too much, but he’s positive that this is what love looks like. It looks like Liam at nine o’clock on a school night, his face flushed and looking completely sated and happy. It’s Liam being scared, but also feeling a little brave and giving in to something he’s almost too afraid to want. For Zayn.

“Okay,” Liam says. He steps forward and wraps Zayn up in his arms, Zayn falling easily against his chest and breathing in the smell that has slowly faded from his jacket, but has forever imprinted itself within his memory. Liam pulls back slightly, his lips curved up into a small smile before he’s leaning forward and slotting his mouth against Zayn’s. It’s slow and sweet and nothing like the kisses they’d shared earlier. It’s Liam telling Zayn that he’s trying and that he cares and it’s Zayn saying it’s okay and that he knows.

When he pulls away, Liam rests his forward against Zayn’s, presses a kiss to Zayn’s nose before threading his fingers between the hairs at the nape of Zayn’s neck. “Thank you,” Liam whispers.

Zayn nods, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms tighter around Liam’s waist. He can feel Liam staring at him; he can feel the longing and the fear and gratitude. Zayn can also feel how happy Liam is and he knows, without even opening his eyes, that Liam is smiling. And Zayn knows, without a doubt, that everything he’s doing is worth it just to know that Liam is happy because of him. Zayn knows he’d do anything.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Louis has a habit of making Zayn laugh without even trying. Zayn never thought he would like having a friend like Louis as much as he does. On the day they first met, Zayn thought Louis was nice enough and the fact that he had some form of an understanding of the things Zayn faced at school on a daily basis was comforting, but he never thought he’d eventually want to spend nearly all of his time lying in the grass finding funny shapes in the clouds with a boy who liked to sing songs from musicals Zayn had never heard of at the top of his lungs.

Zayn hadn’t realized what he’d been missing when it came to friendship. Sure, he and Liam were friends but things with Liam were severely limited and there was also that underlying layer of attraction that changed the dynamics between them. With Louis things were simple and easy and everything was laid out in front of them and there were no questions to be asked. They just were. Louis would speak to Zayn in the halls at school and, if they had the time, they would stop and chat for a few moments between classes. They’d meet up for lunch and trade halves of their sandwiches and talk about whatever it was that came to their minds.

Before, Zayn was almost always a little lonely and watching out for Liam during every spare moment he found throughout the day.  When he takes the time to think about things now, Liam isn’t at the forefront of Zayn’s mind nearly as much as he used to be because Zayn has other things to think about. That doesn’t go to say Liam isn’t always there. Even when Zayn isn’t actively thinking about brown eyes and a bright smile that only ever seems to find Liam’s face when he’s looking at Zayn, he can see him. He still feels warm and giddy knowing that some part of Liam still belongs to him and only him even though nobody else is really aware of it.

If Zayn were to be completely honest with himself, he’d say things are going good for him. Nearly perfect, minus the fact that he has to keep his relationship with Liam a secret. It’s only been a little over a month since he met Louis and finally sorted everything out with Liam and even though so much has changed, Zayn really couldn’t be happier.

“I think that one looks like a dog eating a banana,” Louis says pointing up to a few clouds drifting around toward his right. It’s only a few hours after school has let out and Zayn and Louis are lying in the grass at the park finding cloud formations and talking about whatever comes to mind in between. It’s what they tend to do most days because it’s cheap and they don’t have anything better to do.

Zayn follows the line of Louis’ finger and scoffs. “No,” he argues, pursing his lips. “That looks nothing like a dog… and I have no idea where you’re getting the banana from.”

Louis turns his head to the side to face Zayn and furrows his brow. “How do you not see that? It’s quite obvious. Are we not looking at the same set of clouds?”

Zayn sits up, shrugging his shoulders before looking back down at Louis, his lips curved up into a fond smile he’s come to associate with his new friend. “Maybe not.”

Louis sits up as well and leans over to fish a water bottle out of his backpack. He uncaps it and takes a sip before offering the bottle to Zayn who shakes his head. “So…” Louis starts.

Zayn leans back on his palms, his eyes drifting back up to the sky as he waits for Louis to continue. When he doesn’t say anything right away, Zayn rolls his eyes and lolls his head to the side so he can see Louis properly. “So?”

Louis shrugs his shoulders casually, ripping a few blades of grass from the ground and tossing them to the side before repeating the action. “Prom is coming up,” he says.

Zayn nods. “Yeah. And?”

“Are you going?”

The laugh escapes Zayn’s mouth before he has a chance to stifle it as he turns to Louis, his expression blatantly incredulous. He shakes his head, still laughing until his expression sobers up a little once he realizes Louis is being serious.

“Oh. You’re not kidding?” Zayn asks.

Louis shakes his head. “No. I mean, I don’t see why I would be. I’m curious.”

Zayn frowns a little as he breaks eye contact with Zayn in favor of watching two kids swinging back and forth on the swing set in front of them. Zayn shrugs his shoulders, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. “I don’t – probably not, I guess. I mean, I never really thought about it that much and it’s not like I’d go with anybody and I’m not really into dances so…”

Zayn can feel Louis’ eyes boring holes into his skin as he trails off, unsure of any other way to brush the question off. The truth was, he didn’t think he’d be able to afford prom and he wasn’t exactly keen on going because he’d be forced to watch Liam with Ashley the entire time. He wasn’t angry that Liam was going with Ashley because he knew what he was getting into the moment he’d agreed to be with Liam that night in the park. He knew there were rules and that Liam wasn’t ready to come out yet and Zayn was fine with that. He knew for a fact that Ashley didn’t mean anything to Liam due to the countless number of times he’s sat in Liam’s bedroom and listened to him rant and rave about how neurotic she was about prom and the ridiculous things she says and how he wishes he could just muster up the courage and break up with her so he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Zayn knew.

But knowing all of that didn’t change the fact that going to prom would mean having to spend what was supposed to be the most magical night of his high school career watching his secret boyfriend’s beard of a girlfriend slow dance in the middle of an expensive hotel ball room after they win prom king and queen. Zayn didn’t want to watch Liam and Ashley show up together looking like Ken and Barbie while he stood off to the side like a reject in his hand-me-down tux. He did that enough at school what with the way Ashley practically hung off of Liam’s arm whenever she caught him eyeing Liam at school. Zayn just didn’t want to deal with it and ditching prom altogether was the perfect way to avoid it.

“Oh, come on. That’s a lame excuse and you know it. It’s prom! I’m sure you could find someone to go with if you asked,” Louis replied with a smile as he playfully nudged Zayn’s shoulder.

Zayn shook his head.

Louis raises his brows. “There’s no one you’d want to go with?”

Zayn heaves out a heavy sigh and runs a hand through his hair. “Well, I mean, yeah. There’s someone I’d want to go with but it’s not like he can go with me and it would be stupid and embarrassing to bother with asking so I’m not going to.”

“Who is it?”

Zayn turns to face Louis and offers a pointed stare that says he should already know the answer. Zayn hasn’t gone into complete detail about everything (Zayn had only mentioned a kiss and making a promise to Liam about not saying anything about it) but Louis knows how Zayn feels about Liam. It’s not a secret between them and, while Louis sometimes mentions that Zayn deserves better than some high school boy who leads people on because he’s too afraid to admit to his feelings, Louis has been pretty supportive of the situation even gone as far as teasing Zayn about his crush whenever he catches him staring in the courtyard during lunch.

“Oh. Well… yeah. Okay,” Louis says softly. “I mean… you could ask him and see what he says? Maybe he’ll come to his senses and realize how great you are and kick that girlfriend of his to the curb.”

Zayn huffs out a laugh and shakes his head, turning to Louis with a fond smile. “No. He wouldn’t do that and you know it.”

Zayn fiddles with a few small blades of grass trying to ignore the telltale feeling of tears pricking at his eyes. He knows he won’t be going to prom with Liam. He wants to, but he knows for a fact that it isn’t even an option. Liam had told him so in his bedroom the week before when Zayn had casually mentioned the idea after they’d fooled around a bit after school. Liam had said that while he wished things were different he didn’t have much of a choice but to go with Ashley. Zayn wanted to yell and be angry but he didn’t really have grounds to do so because he walked into this relationship knowing exactly what he was getting into. He’d basically suggested the arrangement himself. Zayn also knew that Liam showing up with him to prom would be social suicide on his part and Zayn wouldn’t wish his high school experience on anybody; especially Liam.

Prom with Liam simply wasn’t an option and that was the way things were.

“Well…” Louis begins causing Zayn to furrow his brow and glance over toward his friend. Louis has a mischievous grin on his face and Zayn isn’t too sure if he likes the expression or not.

“Well what, Louis?”

“Why don’t you go with me?”

Zayn can’t help the way his mouth falls open in surprise because those certainly are not the words he had been expecting to come out of Louis’ mouth. “You want me to go to prom with you?” Zayn clarifies and Louis nods. “Okay… why?”

Louis laughs, scooting closer to Zayn and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Well, not only will you get to show up with the best looking guy in school, but you will also have the opportunity to show that Liam guy what he’s missing out on. Plus, I don’t have anyone to go with either and we have a good time together so I figure since we’re both dateless for prom it only makes sense that we put each other out of our misery and go together.”

Zayn can’t help but to grin upon hearing Louis’ logic as he ducks his head to hide the blush coating his cheeks. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“Is that a yes?”

Zayn lifts his gaze to meet Louis’ and heaves out a sigh. He knows it’s a ridiculous idea but he also knows that prom with Louis will be a lot of fun because anything with Louis has a tendency to be a great time.

Zayn nods, dropping his head to Louis’ shoulder as he turns his attention to the playground in front of him. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

+

As much as Zayn enjoys hanging out with Louis there is something about being around Liam that makes him feel grounded; like he’s finally found home and everything else he’d experienced beforehand was all just a build up until the moment when he is able to see Liam again. Zayn almost forgets about the way Louis is able to make him laugh and how comfortable he feels when they hang out together. It doesn’t really matter that he can’t talk to Liam in the same way he can talk to Louis or that Zayn feels a certain kind of ease with his friend that he doesn’t feel with Liam. None of that matters because when he and Liam are together Liam looks at Zayn like he’s the most important person in the world.

As if he could read Zayn’s mind, Liam smiles around the spoonful of ice cream he’d just taken from the bowl of Neapolitan they’d been sharing in his room. “This is nice,” he says after swallowing and placing his spoon into the bowl.

Zayn nods and leans back on his palms, taking in the way Liam finally looks relaxed and completely different from the way he appears at school. On campus Liam is tense and constantly watching his every move. His words are planned and careful, his gestures stiff and well versed. He’s not himself and while Zayn used to look at Liam at school and see someone who was perfect in every way possible, now he only sees someone who pales in comparison to the boy sitting in front him.

“What are you thinking about?” Liam asks.

Zayn feels his cheeks heat up and he drops his gaze, shaking his head. “Nothing,” he mumbles while trying to hide his smile. He knows it’s all for nothing because Liam knows him well enough to know Zayn is never thinking of ‘nothing’

“You and I know that’s not true,” Liam says with a fond smile as he moves to wrap an arm around Zayn’s shoulders.

Zayn leans into Liam’s side, resting his head on his shoulder and sighs. Sometimes he loves Liam so much that it hurts. It hurts because Zayn wants nothing more than to shout it out for the entire world to hear, but he knows that really isn’t an option because Liam isn’t quite ready for that. It also hurts because Zayn at least wishes he could tell Liam, but he’s afraid of scaring him away because he’s fairly certain that Liam isn’t there yet either. While Liam may look at Zayn with an expression that appears to be full of love and adoration Zayn isn’t sure if that’s what is really there because if Liam did love him he’d surely put his fears aside and at least break up with Ashley. Zayn would never ask Liam to jeopardize his relationship with his family if he wasn’t ready to come out to them, but he does think love would be enough of an incentive for Liam to be with him and only him.

“Prom,” Zayn answers without really thinking.

Liam leans back as soon as the words leave Zayn’s mouth so he can get a better look at his face. “Prom?”

Zayn shrugs, not lifting his head from Liam’s shoulder. “Yeah. I was just thinking about how it might not be so bad if I went after all. I mean, I know I won’t be going with you but it could still be fun and I’m only ever going to get one senior prom and Louis will be there with me so—”

Liam tenses up at the mention of Louis’ name but Zayn doesn’t really seem to notice. “Louis?”

Zayn lifts his gaze from where he was focused on the ice cream slowly melting in the bowl in front of them so it’s trained on Liam’s face. He nods. “Yeah. We were hanging out after school the other day and he suggested we go together.”

Liam’s arm instinctively tightens around Zayn’s shoulders as he ponders the idea of Zayn entering the fancy hotel prom will be held in arm and arm with Louis Tomlinson. He can see them in their matching tuxedos, Zayn laughing at some joke Louis has just told him just as he always does every day when they sit out in the courtyard together at lunch. He can see the way Zayn’s eyes crinkle around the edges every time he smiles and Liam’s heart twists inside of his chest because Zayn used to only smile that way for him.

“Oh,” Liam says and he can’t mask the jealousy tingeing his voice and he hates himself for it because he doesn’t even have a right to be jealous.

Liam hates that he feels sick to his stomach every time he sees Zayn and Louis chatting in the halls at school. Or when Louis takes Zayn’s hand and drags him toward a group of kids from the drama department to introduce him. Liam loves the look of happiness and gratitude in Zayn’s eyes each and every time Louis introduces him to someone new but he hates the fact that he wasn’t the one to put it there.

“Does that bother you?” Zayn asks, his expression turning to one filled with concern at Liam’s response.

Liam swallows the lump that had formed in his throat and forces a smile that he’s sure Zayn can probably see right through. “No. Of course not… I’m glad you’ve decided to go. You and Louis will have a great time.”

Zayn eyes Liam curiously and starts to open his mouth to protest, but shuts it when he realizes he isn’t sure of what to say. Zayn’s eyes fall to his lap where he watches his fingers toy with a loose string on his jeans. He suddenly feels bad for saying yes to Louis’ prom invitation. He can see that it bothers Liam and while Zayn knows Liam doesn’t really have a right to be upset considering he still has a girlfriend, he doesn’t like being the one to wipe the smile from Liam’s face.

“I’m serious, Zayn,” Liam says firmly, ducking his head so his eyes are level with Zayn’s.

“You’re not mad?”

Liam shrugs, his stomach turning at the thought of Louis and Zayn pressed together on the dance floor, Louis’ fingers combing through Zayn’s hair. He pictures them standing near the refreshments laughing over a cup of punch. He can see them stumbling out outside a little after midnight when prom is over and their peers are all going to the standard after party at some guys house whose parents are going to be out of town for the weekend and Zayn and Louis are probably a little drunk because the punch was spiked and Louis’ hands are at the small of Zayn’s back. Liam can see the way Zayn will fall into Louis because he doesn’t really know how to handle his liquor and Louis will laugh and keep him steady and Zayn will look into Louis eyes and slur something slow and pretty and he won’t really mean for it to happen but Zayn will probably kiss him.

And Louis will be in heaven because, even though Zayn may not notice it now, Liam can see it in his eyes. Liam can see the way Louis looks at Zayn when they’re together. He can see the way Louis watches him and commits every move Zayn makes to memory and he knows that look in Louis’ eyes because Liam knows that he looks at Zayn the very same way. The only difference is Louis isn’t afraid.

Louis isn’t afraid to love Zayn. He’s not afraid to tell people. Louis doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him for liking boys or for liking Zayn because he knows Zayn is something special and far more important that the opinions of a bunch of dumb kids he won’t even remember the names of ten years from now.

Liam hates to admit it, but Zayn would be smart to go to prom with Louis. He’d be smart to go to prom with him and get drunk and kiss him and accidentally fall in love because, even though it pains Liam to admit it, Louis could love Zayn better than he ever could.

Liam smiles and pulls Zayn close, closing the short distance between them and slotting their lips together. He can feel Zayn clutching onto his T-shirt and wonders how long Zayn would be willing to hold on for before he lets go.

 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Liam tries. He tries not to read too deeply into the way Zayn constantly mentions funny things that Louis says and he tries to suppress the wave of jealousy that surges through his veins every time Zayn gives some funny anecdote about what happened while he was hanging out with Louis last Tuesday or Friday or whoever day it was. The thing is, Liam is glad for Zayn. He’s glad Zayn is making friends and branching out and smiling more often. He’s glad Zayn doesn’t sit alone at lunch anymore and he’s glad that Ashley doesn’t spend all of her time complaining about the “poor kid who can’t seem to keep his eyes off of him.”

Mostly, Liam is just glad that Zayn is happy because, aside from the times when they were alone together, it was rare that Liam ever saw Zayn smile. He just wishes that Zayn wasn’t smiling for Louis because Liam knows the way the way Louis looks at Zayn. He knows that look of want and adoration. Liam knows the look because it’s the same one he finds on his own face when he looks in the mirror every morning thinking about Zayn.

What’s worse is that Liam knows he shouldn’t even be worried. He’s nearly positive Zayn doesn’t even like Louis in that way. Liam knows for a fact that Zayn is head over heels for him and he’s never given Liam any indication that things have changed. It’s just that Louis has this way of eating away at him because Liam has this itching feeling that Louis is just better. Louis is confident, he’s friendly and he knows what he wants. Louis is unashamed and so very sure of himself in every way that Liam isn’t and it makes his skin crawl. It brings on this ugly wave of jealousy that Liam wants nothing more than to push away but it has this habit of consuming him until the only thing Liam can see is green. Liam looks at Zayn and all he can see is Louis sitting a little too close telling him a joke that makes Zayn smile in that wide, genuine way where his nose scrunches up and his eyes crinkle around the edges. It’s all Liam can see and he wants to be that. He wants that confidence, that easiness that Louis seems to possess so effortlessly.

“Are you even listening to me?” Zayn asks and when Liam hears him he thinks Zayn might be mad, but when he turns his head Zayn is smiling and looking at him with a fondness that Liam just knows is reserved for him.

Liam huffs out a breath of laughter and ducks his head. “Sorry. I guess I spaced out for a second there.”

Zayn nods. “I figured. You’ve been doing that a lot lately… like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

“I guess I do,” Liam replies with a shrug of his shoulders as he leans back on his palms. He thinks about moving from the floor to sit on his bed but the floor is kind of comfortable and he isn’t really bothered enough to move.

“Wanna talk about it?” Zayn asks carefully.

Liam shakes his head. He does, but he knows bringing Louis up like this would only make Zayn feel upset and guilty. Liam can read Zayn like a book and he knows that if Zayn were to think he had done something to upset him he’d beat himself up over it. He’d apologize and probably do something as rash as stop being friends with Louis completely and while Liam doesn’t like Louis all that much he knows that, for some reason, he makes Zayn happy and he doesn’t want to take that away.

“No. It’s just… prom and Ashley and I know you don’t really like talking about her and it isn’t that big of a deal anyways. She’s just… overwhelming, I guess.”

Zayn eyes Liam curiously for a moment and Liam wonders if Zayn can see through his lie. If he can, Zayn doesn’t say anything. He just gets up from where he was lying on his stomach and walks over to the shelf where Liam keeps his DVDs.

“Well, what I was saying when you were hiding away in your head was that I was thinking we could watch a movie or something.”

“Alright. Pick one,” Liam says before deciding that the bed might be a better idea if they’re going to be settled in front of the television together.

He isn’t sure what Zayn puts in the DVD player, but Liam isn’t all that concerned because before he knows it Zayn is curled up next to him in the bed with his head on his shoulder and his breath is coming out in small puffs, ghosting across the skin of Liam’s neck making his whole body tingle.

“This is nice,” Zayn mumbles, lifting his eyes to meet Liam’s. “I feel like we haven’t hung out like this in a while.”

Liam hums in agreement. “Yeah. I guess we’ve just been busy; me with Ashley and you with Louis…”

“I guess,” Zayn says slowly as the menu comes up on the screen and Liam realizes their watching Beauty and the Beast and he finds himself smiling as he pulls Zayn in a little closer.

Liam searches through the blankets for the remote, pointing it toward the TV and pressing play once he finds it. The movie has only been playing for a little over a minute when he feels Zayn shift in his seat and say “Does it bother you?”

Liam looks down to find Zayn looking back up at him with nervous eyes. “What?”

Zayn shrugs, ducking his head so his eyes are trained to his lap. He’s mindlessly playing with his fingers, something Liam noticed he only did when he was scared or nervous. “I don’t know. That I’ve been spending so much time with Louis… that we don’t hang out as much as we used to… I just—ever since that day in the parking lot with Ashley you’ve been off in your head somewhere. And then there was the night in the park and I know we’ve done stuff since then but I can’t help but to feel like that changed things to and I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want. Like, if this is too much I understand. I’d be a little sad but –”

“Zayn wait, slow down okay?” Liam says, cutting him off. Zayn clamps his mouth shut and in the background they can hear Belle singing about somewhere she belongs. “I like where things are with us.”

Zayn’s eyes are still in his lap and Liam sighs, running his fingers through his hair as he settles further into the bed. “Listen. I’ll be honest. I’m not thrilled with the whole Louis thing, okay? I just… I guess I’d just gotten used to the idea of being the only person to know how great you are and having you all to myself and now all of the sudden I have to share. I don’t like it, but he seems to be something that makes you happy so I’ll deal. Besides, I’m sure Louis is a great person and he’s funny and he makes you laugh and it’s good that you have someone to talk to when we aren’t together so it’s fine. And you’ve been really great about me still being with Ashley so it isn’t like I have a real right to complain.”

“I don’t like him,” Zayn says quietly. “Not like that.”

Hearing the words out loud causes a brief calm to sweep over Liam but then he remembers Louis’ eyes and his smile and his personality and he figures it’s only a matter of time. “I know,” he says, pressing a kiss to Zayn’s hair. When Zayn looks up, his smile is small, but genuine, and Liam can’t help but to smile back. “He likes you though and I know it’s kind of hypocritical of me to say this because you see me with Ashley every day but I just… I don’t know. It’s something I need to get used to.”

Zayn’s face feels hot at the thought of Louis liking him. It was something he might have suspected every now and then, but for the most part Zayn had figured Louis was friendly. Zayn saw how he was with all of his friends. Louis was a hands on, touchy-feely sort of a person. He liked hugs and pats on the knee. He liked being close to other people. And even if Louis did have a bit of a crush on him, Zayn would never think it was anything serious.

“You don’t have anything to worry about,” Zayn says and Liam’s heart could break with the level of honesty in Zayn’s eyes and how earnest his expression is. “Even if Louis did have feelings for me I would never – I don’t want him. Not when I have you I – I’ve wanted this for so long and now that I have it I wouldn’t just give it up like that I –” Zayn cuts himself off and ducks his head and Liam can see his cheeks turning a bright pink.

“You what?” Liam asks even though he knows Zayn is probably feeling naked and embarrassed, but he really wants to know because it’s rare that Zayn speaks so freely and says so much.

Zayn looks back up at him and exhales long and slow before meeting Liam’s eyes. “I think I love you too much to do something like that.”

And then Liam’s heart stops because that really wasn’t what he was expecting to hear. He had figured Zayn would say something about how he thinks what he and Liam have is too special to give up for a crush that probably would never be anything more than a crush. Or that Zayn really just doesn’t see Louis in that light because he’s just a friend and that’s all he ever would be. Or that Zayn would brush everything off all together and say something silly like Liam is just too cute to leave for some boy he met at a bus stop.

Liam had expected anything and everything other than what he got because he didn’t think he and Zayn were there yet. And with Zayn’s words hanging heavy in the small amount of space separating the pair of them Liam can feel their meaning and the level of responsibility that comes with them.

Zayn loves him. Zayn who is fragile and sweet and so very trusting in everything Liam is. Zayn who believes Liam is so much better than he really is; who sees the best in him when all Liam can ever seem to find are his faults.

Liam feels guilty because Zayn loves him even though all Liam ever seems to do is hurt him. He isn’t even brave enough to speak to him at school for more than a few minutes and yet Zayn still has it in him to love him past his insecurities. Liam doesn’t get it.

But then he is happy.

Liam feels joy because he knows that he feels it too. And it had scared him before because he’d never felt this way about another person before, let alone a boy, and knowing the feeling is being reciprocated is like a wave of relief washing over him and reminding him that somehow everything will be alright.

“You love me,” Liam says evenly and he can feel his lips stretching and curving and suddenly Liam is just undeniably happy.

Zayn nods, toying with the hem of his shirt as he tries to hide his own smile because he almost feels like it’s a little too much. He feels relieved because the words have been pooling and bubbling up in his chest since the moment he first laid eyes on Liam. And, even though Liam doesn’t know it, he’s been carrying his heart for so long and finally saying the words out loud so Liam can hear them makes Zayn feel more at ease because now Liam _knows._

He knows he holds Zayn’s heart and that it’s his to keep safe and he Zayn trusts him not to drop it.

Now all Zayn can do is hope that Liam trusts him enough to do the same.

“Yeah,” Zayn says. “I do I think I always have.”

When he looks up Liam’s smile is nothing short of contagious and Zayn doesn’t even think he needs to bother with containing his own.

“I—” Liam huffs out a breath of laughter and ducks his head. When he looks back up his face is a little more serious but his smile is just as real as it had been before. “I love you, too.”

Zayn doesn’t even realize he’s doing it when he’s reaching out to up Liam’s face in his hands so he can bring him down for a kiss because he isn’t really thinking. All he knows is that Liam’s lips feel chapped in a way that he always seems to find comforting and that Liam’s hands on his hips is grounding. As :Liam’s lips work against his own Zayn feels as though everything has finally fallen into place and even though it isn’t exactly the way he had pictured it what with Ashley on the side and keeping their relationship mostly within the confines of Liam’s bedroom Zayn is happy. Completely, totally and undeniably happy; and he thinks that Liam is too.

Kissing Liam and knowing that he loves him and that Liam loves him back is all Zayn has ever really wanted; it’s all he could ever hope for. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

It takes two weeks for Zayn to crack and tell Louis. It’s mostly because he isn’t sure how Liam would feel about him sharing something as private and special as them confessing their love for one another but Zayn can’t help it if he smiles a little too wide and allows his eyes to linger way longer than necessary every time he spots Liam in school, and it isn’t as if Louis doesn’t notice. Every time he catches Zayn doing so he’ll crack a joke or offer that knowing look that says _I’ve caught you_ , which is completely normal, but Zayn can also sense something extra in Louis’ gestures. It’s like he just knows there’s something more there and Zayn wants to tell him. He wants to shout it from the rooftops because he’s finally got what he’s wanted for so long and keeping it all to himself is more than a little overwhelming.

“I love him,” Zayn says one day during lunch while he and Louis are sitting in the courtyard. They’ve split half of their respective sandwiches (Louis’ peanut butter and jelly and Zayn’s turkey and cheese) and given the other one half so they have one of each.

“Who? Liam?” Louis asks, taking a bite of the turkey and making a small noise of approval. “S’good today.”   

Zayn grins. “Thanks. And yeah, I’m talking about Liam. Who else would I be talking about?”

Louis shrugs. “Just making sure… but I don’t think any of this is new information, Zayn.”

Zayn exhales and stares across the yard at Liam who is laughing at a joke someone has just told ducking his head in that way he only does when something is completely ridiculous and Zayn wonders if he’ll share the joke later on when they’re alone within the confines of Liam’s bedroom. He wonders if it will be before or after Liam claims every inch of Zayn’s body with his hands and his lips. If they’ll be wrapped up in his blankets, Zayn’s head pillowed against Liam’s chest so he can hear the steady rhythm of his heart so he can try and match it to the beat of his own.

Zayn wonders and he can already feel the slow burn in the pit of his stomach as he remains fixated on Liam and he doesn’t care if Ashley notices because he knows he has something she doesn’t. He knows Liam doesn’t love her and no matter how hard she tries he never will. Zayn’s beyond caring. Her words and her nasty looks can’t touch him; they can’t touch him or what he has with Liam and Zayn finds a calming sense of pride in finally figuring this out.

“It’s more than that,” he says, not taking his eyes off of the boy on the other side of the yard. “He loves me back.”

Louis furrows his brow and cocks his head to the side upon hearing Zayn’s answer. He sets his sandwich down on top of the paper bag he’d packed his lunch in and wipes the crumbs from his hands. “What?”

“I…” Zayn sighs, tearing his eyes away from Liam so he can focus on explaining things to Louis. “I haven’t been completely honest about me and Liam.”

Louis frowns. “Okay...”

He’s scared. Louis listens to Zayn as he explains this whirlwind sort of romance that has been going on between him and Liam since the beginning of the school year. He listens as Zayn goes over how he’s been in love with Liam since he first saw him and he hears about Halloween and the jacket and the school project. He listens to Zayn go on about their sort of date at the diner and the friendship he formed with him. Louis tries not to feel jealous when he hears about the kiss in Zayn’s living room and tries not to notice the blush that covers Zayn’s cheeks when he briefly mentions them making out in the park the same night he’d met Louis at the bus stop. But Louis does listen to it all and he can’t help but to notice how happy Zayn looks when he talks about Liam. His smile is different and his eyes fill up with something Louis can only think of as Love whenever he so much as mentions Liam’s name.

But Louis also feels bitter when Zayn explains that he told Liam it was okay for them to keep everything a secret and he can’t help the way his chest goes tight when Zayn says he wishes things could be different but he understands that Liam doesn’t want people to think differently of him.

“I don’t want him to feel isolated the way I did,” Zayn says softly. “I mean, it was okay for me because I was used to it. I’d never really had friends. I didn’t know what it was like for everyone to look up to me, to want to talk to me and get to know me. Being alone was all I’d ever known and I spent most of my time here watching Liam so I never really noticed I was alone anyways.” Zayn pauses, his eyes trained to his fingers as he picks a few blades of grass from the ground. “I don’t think Liam would be able to handle rejection like that. He likes to be liked. He’s so concerned with the way other people see him and he works so hard to make sure everyone is happy and if one day everyone just turned their backs on him and made him feel like he wasn’t enough… I don’t think he could deal with that. And I don’t want that to happen because of me either. I couldn’t do that to him.”

Zayn is watching Liam now and while the smile that always seems to sneak onto his face at the sight of Liam is there, Louis can also sense the determination in Zayn as well. He may not know everything about the dynamics of Zayn and Liam’s relationship but he knows that Zayn would do anything for that boy. He knows Zayn would move mountains for Liam if that was what it would take to make him happy and while Louis hopes that Liam would do the same he isn’t so sure.

Louis just feels as though Zayn deserves better. He thinks Zayn deserves someone who can love him just as fiercely and selflessly. Zayn deserves someone who would put their fears aside and give back just as much as they are getting. Louis loves how selfless Zayn can be. He loves how easily Zayn puts others before himself but he also sees it as somewhat of a hindrance when it comes to Zayn getting what he deserves.

“You deserve better than that though,” Louis says quietly. “I know you don’t want him to get hurt, and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean you should get hurt in the process.”

“I’m not—”

Louis shakes his head. “That day in the parking lot, Zayn? With Ashley?” He pauses and Zayn ducks his head because he remembers and he knows. Louis keeps his voice calm and even because he doesn’t want to make Zayn feel any worse than he already does. “He could have stood up for you. His friends make fun of you every day. They make jokes in the hallways; calling you a fag and shoving you into the lockers. He doesn’t have to tell them that he’s dating you, but the least he could do is tell them to give you a break.”

When Zayn goes quiet Louis thinks that he may have messed things up and been a little too honest. He wonders if he’s crossed a line, the way he has a tendency to do, and inserted himself into a situation he doesn’t belong in. He just cares about Zayn and he knows he’s a little biased since his feelings do run deeper than friendship, but that doesn’t mean that what Liam is doing is right. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

“I don’t think you get it,” Zayn says and his voice is soft, but it’s also firm and Louis has a feeling this is all Zayn is going to say about the topic; that after this he’s done discussing it because he’s made up his mind. “I used to spend all my time thinking up different scenarios in which Liam would notice me. He’s had my heart since the first time I saw him and for the longest time he didn’t even know it. Before, all I could do was hope that one day he’d look up and realize that there was someone out there who loved him for who he was; flaws and all.

He’s scared, Louis. He’s afraid and when people are afraid they do things that they may not be too proud of. I know what Liam should have done or could have done. I know he shouldn’t let his friends do what they do to me, but I also know what it could mean for him if he didn’t. Sometimes I wish he would stand up for me, but… people like Liam don’t just fall in love with people like me.” Zayn shrugs his shoulders, his eyes quickly flicking up to catch a glance of Liam before returning to where his fingers are fiddling with the grass. “I know that sounds ridiculous but, I don’t know, I feel like I’d do anything to keep him now that he’s here and if that means getting shoved into lockers and being called a fag in the hallways so be it. It’s not like it’s anything I haven’t gotten used to.”

Louis sighs and nods his head in response before picking up one of his sandwich halves and taking a bite. He gets it. He knows what it’s like to get something you’ve wanted for so long and to want to hold onto it forever. He understands that feeling of being willing to do anything. Louis almost feels that way about Zayn. He’s only known him for a few short months, but in that short amount of time he’s learned what an amazing and beautiful person Zayn is – inside and out. Louis can feel himself falling more and more in love with him every day and knowing that Zayn is giving up so much of himself so freely to someone who doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate it makes Louis’ heart ache.

Louis knows fear. He knows all about staying silent and going along with things you don’t necessarily agree with. He understands that Liam likes where he is; he likes having friends and, as Zayn says, he likes being liked. What Louis also understands is that Liam has had things handed to him nearly his entire life. It’s no secret that Liam’s parents are rich and that they give him pretty much everything he wants. It’s also no secret that other kids flock to Liam, wanting to be his best friend and saying all the right things to get there. Louis doesn’t think Liam understands what it’s like to have things taken away. He knows what it’s like to see something, want it, and get it but he doesn’t know that feeling of worry; that nagging thought at the back of his mind that saying “this is too good to be true.”

But Louis doesn’t say any of this because he knows Zayn doesn’t want to hear it. Louis can look at Zayn and he believes it when Zayn says he would do anything. So he stays silent and he eats his sandwich and even though he can feel Zayn’s eyes burning holes into the side of his head, Louis doesn’t look up because he knows that the moment he sees Zayn he’ll say something he’ll probably regret.

And for the first time in months, Louis is thankful when the bell rings signaling the end of lunch rings. He packs up his things and chances a small smile at Zayn before standing up. “I’ll see you after school?” He asks.

Zayn nods as he starts gathering up his own belongings. “Yeah. I’ll meet you at the bus stop.”

Louis nods and Zayn watches as he walks away. He has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and he knows that something has changed. He’s sure that he and Louis are okay; Zayn knows that he’ll find Louis waiting for him by the bus stop after school and he knows that Louis will smile and wave when he sees Zayn walking up. He knows they’ll talk the whole ride home or they might stay on the bus until they reach the stop at the park where they’ll get off and hang out for a few hours. Zayn knows for a fact that he and Louis are still friends but he can’t seem to get Louis’ words out of his head.

He thinks about Louis telling him that he deserves better, and Zayn feels bad because he’s beginning to think that Liam was right. Maybe Louis feelings do run a little deeper than they should and that sudden realization makes Zayn sad because he just doesn’t feel the same way. Walking toward the entrance of the school Zayn spots Liam, hand in hand with Ashley, heading in the same direction. He can feel his chest tighten when Ashley squeezes Liam’s hand and presses a kiss to Liam’s cheek before sneaking Zayn a dirty look over her shoulder and he wonders if this is what Louis feels whenever Zayn talks about Liam. He wonders if Louis’ heart falls to the pit of his stomach in the same way Zayn’s is now because he can’t walk hand in hand with person he loves.

But then Liam glances over his shoulder and spots Zayn and he smiles something small and fond, a smile meant just for Zayn, and his world is alright again because even though Ashley can walk around school on Liam’s arm Zayn has the privilege of knowing that Liam loves him. He can fall asleep knowing Liam is lying in bed with a smile on his face thinking of him. He knows the gentle touch of Liam’s fingertips on his skin, the feel of Liam’s body pressed against his own and the soft breath of an “I love you” whispered in his ear as Liam bottoms out. Zayn knows what it means to give yourself to someone and have them give themselves to you in return and while Ashley may have explored the planes of Liam’s body she’s never had that.

Zayn thinks about Louis words again and while he knows Louis is coming from a good place and is genuinely concerned about his well-being he also knows that Louis doesn’t really understand. He doesn’t see the way Liam looks at him, doesn’t know the gentle squeeze of Liam’s hand on his hip and his lips ghosting over Zayn’s naked shoulder. Louis doesn’t know about the way Liam will whisper sweet nothings into his ear whenever he’s feeling down or that bashful smile that creeps onto Liam’s face whenever Zayn tells him how lucky he is.

All Louis knows is the fear in Liam’s eyes when faced with the prospect of rejection. All he can see is Liam’s shallow friends and he lumps Liam into same category without a second thought. Louis doesn’t get it because he doesn’t know and Zayn doesn’t think there is any way to explain it because it’s something you feel. It’s an indescribable feeling and Zayn can only hope that Louis will feel it one day too.

Zayn keeps his eyes trained on Liam as he tosses the paper bag he’d packed his lunch in into the trash. Just as he’s about to enter the school Liam looks back to Zayn and mouths something that Zayn thinks means to meet him in the bathroom before he goes to class. Liam lingers near the door, waiting for Zayn to answer him, and it isn’t until Zayn nods that Liam grins and follows Ashley inside.

Zayn finds him in the bathroom a few minutes later leaning against the wall next to one of the hand dryers. Liam grins and pushes himself off of the wall before shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Zayn replies stepping further into the bathroom and stopping about a foot away from where Liam is standing.

Liam takes a quick survey of the bathroom, making sure no one else is in there with them, before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Zayn in a hug. Zayn falls easily into Liam’s embrace inhaling the familiar scent he’s already grown to associate with Liam. He can feel Liam’s lips against his neck and shivers when Liam exhales against his skin.

“You looked sad at lunch today,” Liam says quietly.

Zayn shakes his head. “It’s nothing; I’m fine.”

Liam pulls back so he can see Zayn properly. “Are you sure?” He asks, reaching forward to comb his fingers through Zayn’s hair.

“Yeah,” Zayn answers, nodding. Looking at Liam now and seeing the genuine concern written all over his face, Zayn knows there is nothing better than this. There is nothing better than Liam. Any doubt he may have had before disappears completely because this, what he has with Liam right here within the confines of the boy’s room, is everything he could ever want.

Liam takes a moment to survey Zayn’s face before he nods and leans forward to press a quick kiss to his lips. “Alright,” he says against Zayn’s mouth. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“Is that why you asked me to meet you here?”

Liam takes a few steps back, his hands returning to his pockets as he shakes his head. “Well, I guess. There was that and I also wanted to see if you wanted to come over after school. Ashley has an impromptu fitting for her prom dress or something so she can’t hang out anymore.”

“Oh,” Zayn replies, looking down at the tiled floors. “I guess I could. I mean, I’m sure Louis won’t mind if I cancel… not that we really had plans to begin with but you know…”

Liam frowns at Zayn’s mention of Louis, but doesn’t say anything because he knows he has nothing to worry about. Zayn told him himself that he doesn’t have feelings for Louis, but Liam hates knowing that they spend so much time together and he knows what Louis has to be thinking whenever they hang out.

“If you already have plans with him you don’t have to cancel,” Liam says turning his attention to the phone number of some girl they go to school with written on the wall in black sharpie.

“No,” Zayn says, stepping forward and placing a hand on Liam’s shoulder. “It’s fine, really. We just had a little disagreement at lunch and I don’t want him to think I’m still mad at him. It’ll be fine though.”

“Okay,” Liam says around an exhale of breath. He checks the time on his phone and sighs briefly out of annoyance. “I should really get to class now.”

Zayn nods. “Me too. We’re already pretty late.”

“I’ll see you after school though. I can pick you up behind the gym.”

Liam presses a quick kiss to Zayn’s lips before waving goodbye and slipping out the bathroom door. Zayn waits a few seconds to give Liam some time to get down the hall before he does the same.

Zayn spots Louis after the final bell rings just as he’s about the pass through the double doors and walk to the bus stop.

“Louis!” He calls out and Louis turns around, a familiar smile finding his lips when he sees Zayn. Zayn wonders if Louis smiles like that for anyone else and then stops himself before his thoughts can wander any further because that really isn’t something he needs to be thinking about.

“Hey. You ready to go?” Louis asks.

Zayn rubs at the back of his neck when he’s stops in front of Louis and ducks his head. “Yeah… listen, um, Liam just asked me if I wanted to hang out today so I think I was going to catch a ride with him today.”

Louis’ face falls for a brief moment. He tries to cover it up immediately after it happens, but Zayn catches it and an instant wave of guilt crashes over him because Louis had probably wanted to talk to him about what happened at lunch. Knowing Louis, he was probably going to try and apologize about sticking his nose into places it doesn’t belong and he would probably try and make it up to Zayn somehow by taking him out for ice cream or something silly like that because that’s just how Louis is. He probably had all these plans and here Zayn was ruining them.

“Oh… okay,” Louis says and then nods. He’s a little disappointed because he’d spent his last class thinking of ways to apologize to Zayn for jumping down his throat about something he knew nothing about. He felt bad because Zayn was happy and he’d basically disregarded that fact entirely because he was a little jealous.

“Is that… are you mad?” Zayn asks.

Louis shakes his head. “No. Go ahead. Have fun.” He says around a forced smile. Louis isn’t sure if Zayn can see straight through it, but if he does he doesn’t say anything and for that Louis is more than a little grateful.

Zayn grins and steps forward, wrapping Louis up into a brief hug that Louis wishes lasted a little longer than it actually does before pulling away. “Good. I’m… thanks,” Zayn says. “You know, for understanding.”

“No problem,” Louis replies. “What are friends for?”

“We should hang out this weekend though,” Zayn suggests as they both start to back away, Louis heading out the double doors toward the bus stop and Zayn toward the gym. “We can find some suits to wear to prom or something. That could be fun.”

“Sure. Now quit hanging around me and go run off to your secret boyfriend,” Louis says and he doesn’t miss the way Zayn’s cheeks blush a deep pink nor the way he ducks his head at Louis’ words. And even though Louis wishes Zayn were leaving with him, Louis watches him run to another boy because that’s what friends are for


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to put all of prom in this chapter but it got too long so i broke it up into two parts. so even though i said prom would be in this chapter its actually in the next one (sorry i lied oops)

“My dad asked about you the other day,” Liam says, around a bite of a French fry. He and Zayn are sitting in a small diner just outside of the city. They’d grown tired of hanging out in Liam’s room or sneaking off to the park in the middle of the night so they decided to go out to eat at a diner Zayn used to go to with his parents when he was younger.

“He did?” Zayn asks taking a sip from his glass of water. “What did he say?”

Liam shrugs, looking down at the table. “He just asked who you were and why you were over all the time. I didn’t even think he’d noticed you to be honest because he never notices anything these days, but I guess he did and he was curious.”

Zayn isn’t sure where Liam is going with this and it makes him nervous because Liam looks scared like he’s about to say or do something he thinks he may regret. As if on instinct, the worst possible scenarios come to Zayn’s mind and he’s thinking Liam might break up with him because his dad is beginning to grow suspicious and Liam isn’t quite ready to come out to his parents yet. It’s no secret that Liam’s dad would be nothing short of disappointed if he were to learn that his only son liked boys and Zayn knows that Liam is afraid of losing his father.

“Well…what did you say?”

Liam shrugs. “I said you were a friend from school and then he asked where you were from and stuff like that so I told him.”

“Okay…” Zayn replies, still feeling a little uneasy. “And then?”

“I mean that was basically it. He didn’t say anything much after that. I mean he looked at me a little funny when I told him where you were from because I don’t usually hang out with people from your side of town, but it wasn’t bad… I just… I don’t know…”

Zayn frowns slightly at the way Liam mentions where he’s from but he doesn’t dwell on it for too long because he knows Liam doesn’t mean anything by it. He just hates being reminded of their differences because he really doesn’t think it should matter all that much anymore. He knows it may matter to other people and that anyone else may think Liam is too good for a guy like Zayn, but he’s finally been able to accept the fact that Liam likes him for who he is and doesn’t care about how much money or status Zayn may or may not have. Zayn is finally beginning to think that he may even deserve something as good as Liam and the thought of finally reaching that point is really nice.

“You just… does the fact that he didn’t say anything bother you?”

Liam shakes his head, looking up at Zayn. “No… that’s exactly it. It’s what he didn’t say. It was the way he looked at me. It was like he knew you and I weren’t just friends and he was waiting for me to say something.”

All Zayn can really think to do is nod in response because he isn’t really sure of what to say. He has no clear indication of whether or not Liam is happy, upset, or indifferent about his encounter with his father. Zayn would like to think that Liam is glad it happened, that he’s happy about the fact that his father didn’t give him any indication that he would be upset about Liam being friends with Zayn. He hopes Liam would think of this as a step toward possibly even coming out to his father and ending this whole charade of keeping Zayn a secret because Zayn knows, when it comes down to it, it really isn’t about Liam solely being afraid of what his friends at school would think of him. Zayn doesn’t doubt that Liam cares about what Ashley and the other guys at school think about him. He knows that for whatever reason, Liam cares about their opinion and he wants them to like him. But Zayn also isn’t stupid and he knows that news travels fast and that all of their families are connected in one way or another and if Liam were to do anything that could put him in a negative light it would get back to his parents and it would essentially be over for him.

When he thinks about it everything seems so messy and overcomplicated and Zayn can’t help why things can’t be simple. He wonders why everything has always been so hard for him. He doesn’t get why his family can’t have things and he doesn’t understand why people can’t accept him for who he is without judging him based on his appearance and the amount of money his parents make. Before, it never used to bother him so much because he never felt as though he were missing out on anything. He didn’t have friends, let alone a boyfriend, so the question of whether or not people liked him wasn’t a huge deal. But now that he has Liam, and the fact that people don’t like him or see him as being inferior, is one of the major things keeping him from having the only thing he’s ever really wanted for himself bothers him beyond belief.

Zayn can tell himself it doesn’t bother him all he wants. He can lie to Liam and say that he doesn’t mind keeping things a secret and giving Liam the time he needs to figure things out for himself, but while that was true in the beginning, as time goes by Zayn can’t help but to feel as though Liam is never going to say anything. He’s going to keep on hiding Zayn away and dating pretty blond girls like Ashley in order to keep his father happy. Zayn hates to think of the possibility of that being the case because that only leads him to wonder if there is something wrong with him; if it’s not a matter of Liam being afraid to tell people he likes boys, but Liam being afraid to tell people he likes Zayn.

And that’s the scariest part of it all because Zayn doesn’t have that hard of a time believing that that could be the case.

“I don’t know…” Liam says with a heavy sigh once the silence has stretched on for too long. He drops his head into his hands, a look of defeat making its way onto his face. “I feel like I should have said something, you know? It was like he was waiting and all I did was stand there and stare at him like he had just spoken to me in Chinese.”

“You were scared,” Zayn offers because it’s the right thing to say and no matter how much it may hurt he wants to be there for Liam; to assure him that everything is – and will be – alright.

“That’s the thing though,” Liam says quietly, looking at Zayn through his lashes. “I wish I wasn’t. It’s not fair. I hate having to hide from my dad and I hate having to hide you. I hate lying to everyone about something so big and so important I just...I know what will happen if he were to find out. The way he was looking at me… It wasn’t like he wanted me to say something; it was like he was daring me to do it.”

Liam isn’t sure of how to explain himself. He doesn’t know how to put into words exactly what he’s feeling and he isn’t sure that if he did that Zayn would completely understand. Liam feels as though he’s constantly trying to prove himself. He’s always trying to win people over; to please everyone around him and when it’s all over Liam is left feeling inadequate and less than himself.

Liam wants to do more and he wants to do better. He wants to find the courage to be able to do what he wants to do for himself rather than what other people want for him. He wants to stop pleasing other people and make himself happy, but he isn’t sure of how. Liam doesn’t know how to do it without ruining everything else in the process.

“Well,” Zayn says, reaching across the table and giving Liam’s hand a gentle squeeze. When Liam looks up Zayn is smiling and even though he looks a bit sad, and Liam knows it’s because of him, Zayn looks just as hopeful as he always does. “Let’s not think about that right now, okay? Prom is tomorrow night and you have that to be excited for.”

Liam shrugs his shoulders and nods his head taking a dismissive bite of a french fry. Just thinking about prom makes his stomach turn because he knows Zayn is going with Louis and, even though he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t mind, the idea of Zayn getting dressed up and spending what is supposed to be the most magical night of his night with someone else makes him feel uneasy. The worst part of it all is that it’s his fault. It’s his own insecurities that are forcing Zayn to go to prom with Louis. It’s his own fault that he’s stuck dealing with Ashley and running for prom queen and doing everything he possibly can to please his parents. Liam has nobody to blame but himself.

“Aren’t you excited?” Zayn asks, ducking his head to get a better look at Liam who has his eyes trained on the table.

Liam doesn’t offer much more than a second shrug of his shoulders because all he can see when he thinks about prom is meaningless conversation and Zayn dancing with Louis all night even though Zayn doesn’t even dance but Louis does and Liam just knows Zayn will dance with him because Louis is charming and Zayn is nice.

“Hey,” Zayn says. His voice is soft but firm when he hooks a finger under Liam’s chin and forces eye contact. “You’re gonna have a good time okay? Just because we aren’t going together doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time.”

“I wish we were,” Liam says and when he looks at Zayn he knows Zayn gets that he’s really saying that he’s sorry and he’s glad Zayn understands and that he doesn’t have to say it out loud.

“I do, too,” Zayn replies and his eyes are warm and everything Liam loves about him. “But you’re not ready for that and that’s fine. There will be other dances or parties or whatever and one day we’ll go together and it will be even better than prom.”

Liam laughs softly to himself at the idea of bringing Zayn to some stupid college party and getting him drunk and dancing in an overcrowded living room with people who don’t know his name or where he comes from and don’t really care about who he’s with because it doesn’t really matter. He thinks about Zayn’s face looking a little dazed and confused but no less beautiful and kissing him while some shitty rap song with too much bass plays in the background. Liam thinks about it all and it’s amazing and he really can’t wait.

“And, hey,” Zayn adds and when Liam looks up Zayn is grinning and it’s a little mischievous and he kind of has a hard time believing this is the same shy boy he met at the beginning of the year. “Maybe you can save me a dance at the end of the night.”

Liam reaches across the table, taking one of Zayn’s hands into his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Yeah,” he says with a grin because he doesn’t know what he would do without Zayn. Even though things aren’t exactly perfect – and that’ mostly his fault – Liam is happy and he has a hard time remembering what things were like before Zayn came into his life and turned everything upside down. “I think I can do that.”

+

The night of prom Zayn feels anxious. His father claps him on the shoulder and tells him to have fun (but not too much) and his mother cries and straightens his tie and fixes the lapels on his jacket before saying something about how much he’s growing up and how “so very proud we all are of you.”

Mostly Zayn just wants Louis to get to his house so he can leave and get everything over with. He wants the night to move faster because the closer he gets to the end of prom, the closer he is to the dance Liam promised him and while it may seem a little girly or childish, Zayn finds the idea of being so close to Liam without the confidentiality of walls or ambiguous diners a little thrilling.

When the knock sounds on the door Zayn shoots up from where he’s siting with his mom on the couch to answer it.

“Louis,” he says with a smile and even though Zayn’s mind is still almost wholly focused on Liam he’s excited to see his friend and his laugh is genuine when he spots the corsage in Louis’ hands.

“I didn’t… I mean I could have gotten one of those boutonniere things, but I thought this was prettier and well… I don’t know. It all seems kind of stupid now that I think about it.”

Zayn turns around and his parents are standing in the center of the living room, his father with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his slacks and his mother trying not to cry. In that moment, he feels a little sad (as well as a small swell of pride) because his parents really do love him a lot. He thinks about Liam and how absolutely livid and upset his father would be if he were to have a boy come pick him up for prom and, while his parents are still not entirely comfortable with the idea, Zayn can’t help but to be so very grateful to have parents who care about him so much.

“Mom, Dad, you’ve met Louis before right?” Zayn asks, returning to the situation at hand and gesturing for Louis to step inside.

“Briefly,” Louis says with a smile as he steps inside, the clear plastic container holding the corsage falling to his side. “It’s nice to see you again.”

Zayn’s father steps forward and shakes Louis’ free hand. “Same to you; you look good.”

“Yes, you look very handsome,” Zayn’s mother adds wrapping Louis up in a brief hug.

Zayn notices the way Louis’ cheeks flush at the compliments and inwardly laughs when he stutters out a quick thank you and ducks his head.

“Well,” Zayn says. “We should get going. We don’t want to be late.”

“Wait! Let me get a photo of you two before you go, at least,” Zayn’s mother says moving toward the kitchen counter to grab her camera. When she returns she directs Zayn and Louis to stand in front of the door next to one another. Zayn turns to Louis and sighs mouthing a quick “sorry” to which Louis grins and shrugs before slinging an arm around Zayn’s shoulders and pulling him into his side as he returns his attention to the camera.

After the first ten photos Zayn’s mouth begins to hurt from smiling and he begins to tug Louis out the front door. The truth is, he’s kind of eager to see Liam even though he knows there won’t be much contact for a majority of the night. Liam is going to be busy dancing with Ashley and talking to people he doesn’t really care about but he needs to vote for him in order to win prom king. Zayn knows the most he’s going to get until the end of the night is a shy, casual smile from across the room and maybe, if he’s lucky, a wave or the wink of an eye.

But Zayn is excited nonetheless because even if that’s all he gets from Liam until the end of the night he still has the advantage of knowing Liam loves him more than anyone else in the room and that’s something special.

“We should really get going, Mom,” Zayn says, taking Louis’ hand as he opens the front door and starts stepping into the hallway.

“Alright, I know,” his mother says, dropping the camera to her side. “I know you boys are going to want to hang out with your friends after the dance so I want you home by two, okay?”

Zayn nods even though he knows he’ll probably be home before then. “Yeah, okay. Home by two. Got it.”

His father steps forward, and slips some money into the pocket of Zayn’s pants. “Take that,” he says. “Just in case.”

“Dad—”

“No. I don’t want to hear it, okay? Take it. Have fun. Be safe, alright?”

Zayn presses his lips together and nods. “Okay… thanks.”

He waves goodbye to his parents, Louis adding on that it was good seeing them again, before they’re out the front door and heading outside toward the parking lot of Zayn’s apartment complex.

“My cousin let me borrow the good car,” Louis says with a grin. “He has two, but one of them doesn’t have air conditioning or a working radio so nobody ever wants to drive it. I was thinking he was going to pass it on to me for the night, but he surprised me and gave me the nice one.”

Zayn laughs as he slides into the passenger’s seat. “How nice of him.”

“I know. He’s usually such an asshole,” Louis says. “He’s not a bad person or anything but, you know, he just gets a kick out of giving me a hard time. Treats me like his kid brother, I guess.”

Zayn nods, leaning back in his seat. His heart is racing. He doesn’t know why he feels so nervous. It’s just a dance. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s showing up with a boy and the kids at school probably aren’t going to be very nice about it. But it’s only Louis and they’re only going as friends. When he turns to look at him, Louis is putting the car into reverse and backing out of the parking lot, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the shitty pop music playing on the radio. Zayn can’t help but to smile because it really is only Louis and things are easy and if he can’t go to prom with Liam, he can’t imagine showing up with anyone other than Louis.

“Thanks,” Zayn says quietly as Louis navigates the streets toward the hotel prom is being held at.

Louis chances a quick look at Zayn, his brows raised, before returning his attention to the road ahead. “For what?”

Zayn can feel his cheeks heating up and all of the sudden thanking Louis feels silly. “For… for doing this for me. For going to prom with me and making me feel less lonely while Liam is off with Ashley and just… I don’t know. I appreciate it, I guess.”

Louis’ smile is tight because he doesn’t think Zayn quite gets it. He’s sure Zayn has to know that Louis isn’t doing this purely out of the kindness of his heart, but that there is some bit of a selfish element to his actions. Louis knows Zayn isn’t stupid, but he’s also glad that Zayn hasn’t said anything because he isn’t sure he could take the rejection. But Louis doesn’t think Zayn understands just how deep his feelings run; that his heart sort of cracks every time Zayn’s eyes light up at the sight or even mere mention of Liam’s name, that he would give almost anything to have Zayn look at him the way he gazes across the yard at Liam whenever they have lunch at school. He doesn’t think that Zayn quite understands that this could possibly be the best night of Louis’ life just because he kind of gets to pretend like Zayn is his.

“Yeah,” Louis says softly. “It’s no problem really… I can’t imagine going with anyone else.”

The rest of the ride to the hotel is silent aside from the top 40 hits playing on the radio and Louis’ occasional singing accompanied by Zayn’s quiet laughter whenever Louis gets a little too involved with the songs. When Louis parks the car in the lot of the hotel he turns off the car before looking to Zayn with raised brows.

“You ready?” He asks, grinning.

Zayn’s heart is racing as he turns to look at the entrance to the hotel through his window. He can see all the girls in the dresses with their hair pinned up and curled and styled to perfection walking hand in hand up the steps with their dates dressed in perfectly tailored suits. When Zayn looks down at his own suit which is a little too loose and doesn’t fit quite right but was the best he could do under the circumstances, Zayn can’t help but to feel a little inferior.

But then he looks at Louis who is staring at him like he’s the only person he’d want to walk into prom with and he thinks about Liam who is probably inside and will, without a doubt, grin and look at Zayn like he’s the only other person in the room as soon as he spots him and Zayn decides that inferiority isn’t something he needs to be feeling right now.

Zayn swallows the lump in his throat and nods. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Zayn’s eye is killing him when he wakes up on his couch the next morning still wearing his dress shirt and slacks. His tie is hanging loosely around his neck and he can see where his shoes had been pulled off and left sitting next to the coffee table.

He can also see Louis slumped over in one of chairs from the kitchen table, fast asleep, with a blanket draped over his shoulders.

Zayn doesn’t remember much of what happened the night before. All he really knows is that he has a massive headache and a dull, stinging pain around his right eye that’s slowly driving him insane. Letting out a low groan, Zayn flops back down onto the couch and throws his arm over his eyes wincing when his wrist comes into contact with the right side of his face.

“Christ!” He mumbles, sitting back up and swinging his legs over the front of the couch.

Zayn immediately feels a wave of guilt wash over him when Louis shifts in his seat and slowly blinks his eyes open. When he sees that Zayn is awake, his expression goes from tired and barely alive to alert and worried and attentive.

“You’re awake,” he says, throwing the blanket off of his shoulders and coming to Zayn’s side. “You had me worried for a second there. You’ve been out all night and most of the morning and I guess that’s kind of normal, but with your eye and all I wasn’t sure…”

“What happened?” Zayn asks, running a tired hand through his hair. “What—I mean, what are you doing here and I don’t…”

“You don’t remember?” Louis asks.

Zayn shrugs his shoulder, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Not really. I remember getting to prom and hanging out with you most of the night, I remember dancing, I’m pretty sure Liam and Ashley won prom king and queen and then a little later I went out to talk to Liam behind the hotel  and then everything gets fuzzy after that.”

Louis sighs and drags a hand over his face. Zayn can see the way his face falls when he slumps down onto the floor in front of the couch. “A lot happened last night, Zayn…” he says and then Zayn kind of tunes him out after that because he remembers a photographer and laughing with Louis as they tried on silly hats for the prom photos Zayn is sure his mother would want him to bring home.

_“No, Zayn, do the fuzzy one! The one next to the – yeah, that one!”_

And they’re standing in front of this cheesy background of a skyline and Louis’ arm is wrapped loosely around Zayn’s waist and Zayn is smiling down at his best friend and he thinks this is kind of perfect even though he isn’t taking pictures with Liam and a few of the kids in line are giving them dirty looks ( _“At least they have the decency not to say anything,” Louis had commented.)_.

He remembers stabbing strawberries and bananas onto skewers and dragged them under chocolate waterfalls at the fondue stations and laughing when Louis took a bite of one of his strawberries and wound up with chocolate on his nose.

And Louis dragging him into a room that was way too hot and way too crowded and dancing to shitty top 40 hits that Louis seemed to like way too much and not knowing how to move his body or where to put his hands and what was too much or not enough because they were still only just friends no matter how much Louis wanted more.

_“You’re dancing like my grandfather, Zayn!” Louis shouted over the music, wiggling his hips and taking Zayn’s hands into his own. “Loosen up! Have fun!”_

_Zayn laughs and lets Louis spin him around, deciding it probably is best to throw all caution to the wind and simply have fun because this is prom and he’ll only ever get one. Soon, though, the song changes and it’s something a little slow to change the tempo and he and Louis are left standing a few awkward feet apart unsure of where to go or what to do._

_Zayn rubs the back of his neck, a shy, nervous smile forming on his lips as his eyes find anything to look at other than Louis face. While his eyes are doing this awkward dance around the dance hall, they find Liam standing near the punch bowl with Ashley._

_His heart skips a beat because Liam looks absolutely stunning in his tuxedo (Zayn could equate it to something out of a magazine). The song is still playing and he can see Ashley take hold of Liam’s hand and she’s saying something to him as she drags him toward the dance floor. Liam’s shoulders heave as he nods his head and allows Ashley to take the lead and then he spots him._

_Liam’s eyes meet Zayn’s and Zayn is sure he can see Louis standing right beside him. Zayn’s sure his smile goes from shy to nervous to elated and back to shy all over again and Liam’s kind of does the same, but he’s also looking at Zayn like he’s the only other person in the room – like it’s the first time he’s seen him, really seen him, -- and it makes Zayn feel like everything is going to be okay. Liam keeps his eyes trained on Zayn when Ashley wraps her arms around his neck and they stay there even as she presses herself against the hard lines of Liam’s body, her head finding the crook of his neck and Zayn is sure her lips are leaving traces of lip gloss against Liam’s skin. But even if that does bother Zayn it kind of doesn’t because Liam is still looking at him and Zayn feels kind of lost in trying to figure out exactly what Liam is trying to say._

_If it’s “I miss you” or “I want you” or “I’m sorry” or something altogether different; Zayn doesn’t know. All he does know is that eventually it all becomes too much because Zayn is stuck standing awkwardly in the middle of the dance floor with his best friend while his secret boyfriend dances with his pretend girlfriend on the other side of the room. It doesn’t matter if Liam only has eyes for Zayn or that he doesn’t want to be with Ashley. The only thing Zayn can seem to focus on is that Liam is with her and not with him and, while Zayn is grateful for Louis and everything he’s doing for him, he’d much rather be with Liam._

_“Let’s go,” Zayn says turning to Louis and nodding toward the exit of the dance hall. “I think they have a fortune teller or something around here.”_

_Louis slowly nods his head, chancing a quick glance toward Liam who quickly ducks his head as soon as he catches Louis looking. “Yeah,” he replies, offering Zayn a reassuring smile. “Okay.”_

Zayn remembers Louis not saying anything about the way he kept spotting Liam throughout the night. He didn’t mention anything about Zayn stopping midsentence whenever Liam and Ashley and their group of friends would pass them by. He didn’t say anything when Zayn tensed up and lowered his gaze whenever Ashley caught him staring. Louis held his hand when Zayn looked like he wanted to cry when Liam won prom king.

“ _He just looks so happy,” Zayn mumbles under his breath. “Sometimes I think he would be so much better off without me. People like him better when I’m not around.”_

_The selfish part of Louis wants to agree and tell Zayn that maybe it’s true. Maybe he and Liam don’t belong together and Zayn should be with someone who understands him and cares for him in a way that Liam isn’t really able to – not yet at least. But he knows the way Zayn looks at Liam and how much it would hurt to lose someone he loves so much and Louis can’t bring himself to do it. So he shakes his head and pulls Zayn into a hug and tells him to shush. “Liam loves you; you told me so yourself. He’s only smiling for the crowds. I’m sure he’s thinking about you right now as we speak.”_

_Zayn doesn’t say anything, just squeezes Louis a little bit tighter and tries not to pay attention to the way Liam and Ashley are taking center stage at the dance floor. He can feel Liam’s eyes on him though, and while under normal circumstances it would make him smile, at that very moment it does nothing more than make Zayn feel uncomfortable._

_“I’m going to go outside for a minute,” Zayn says, backing away from Louis. “I just – I need some air.”_

_“Do you want –”_

_Zayn shakes his head at Louis’ offer. “No. I’m fine. I just need to be alone for a minute, okay? I’ll be back.”_

Zayn can still feel the pain in his eye and he knows where it came from even though he doesn’t really want to remember. Louis is still sitting in front of him on the couch and judging by the look on his face, Zayn knows that he knows it too and that only makes things worse.

He feels embarrassed and sad and lonely even though there is a boy sitting right in front of him who is willing to be there for him through everything.

“He won prom king,” Zayn says quietly. “And he looked so happy.”

Louis nods. “Yeah. He did.”

“And then I went outside…”

Zayn doesn’t finish the sentence because he doesn’t know if Louis knows everything that happened outside. He knows Louis was there afterwards but he doesn’t think Louis knows the way Liam had inched his way out the back door and shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks as he kicked a stray pebble around on the ground before smiling shyly up at Zayn.

Zayn is sure Louis wasn’t there when Liam had taken the crown off his head and placed it on top of Zayn’s ( _“I think it looks prettier on you.”)_ before kissing his hand and asking if he wanted to dance. Louis doesn’t know how much Zayn’s mouth hurt from smiling or the way he could feel Liam’s heartbeat as they swayed to some song Liam was humming under his breath.

He doesn’t understand how brave Liam had to be to meet him out there at that moment when he should still be dancing with Ashley. Louis doesn’t understand how good it felt to be put first for once, to know that Liam had chosen to be with him right after his win instead of doing what was expected of him and flaunting around some cheap plastic crown for their entire class to see.

It was nice and it was sweet and when Liam ducked his head to kiss him for the first time that night it was probably one of the happiest moments of Zayn’s life.

And he doesn’t think Louis could understand that because he only saw the aftermath and he doesn’t really know. And Zayn feels stupid and ashamed and embarrassed because he knows he doesn’t want to feel that way but he can’t help the fact that he does. He can’t change the fact that despite everything that happened that night, in that moment, it still felt _right._

Louis is looking at him with sad eyes that are filled with something Zayn can only equate to pity and he hates it because he doesn’t want people to feel sorry for him. He’s tired of people feeling sorry for him and feeling as though he needs to be fixed or saved. It’s the same look Liam gave him at the diner all those months ago and the looks his parents give him when they can’t give him when they can’t give him everything he wants or needs. It’s the look his teachers and the students at school would give him when it was freezing and Zayn always seemed to “forget” his jacket.

It’s a look that says you are helpless and you are small and I am sorry.

“He left you there,” Louis says and his voice is slow and even like he’s telling Zayn something he already knows and, essentially, he is it’s just something that Zayn doesn’t really want to believe to be true.

He doesn’t want it to be true because of the way Liam’s hands had felt so strong and sure against his hips when they stopped swaying and he’d buried his face into the crook of Zayn’s neck before whispering _“I missed you.”_ against his skin.

_“I’m right here,” Zayn had returned, running his hand over Liam’s hair and pressing his lips to his temple._

_“No,” Liam said, pulling away. “I saw you out there dancing with Louis and I saw you guys laughing and having a good time and you looked happy and I just… I missed you. I saw you smiling and I wished that it could have been me out there with you instead of him.”_

_Zayn thinks of telling Liam that it could have been if he’d only asked but he feels like that’s being selfish and he knows it will only make Liam feel worse than he already does. It’s a conversation Liam probably has with himself every day; an internal battle between his heart and his mind and what he knows to be right and what’s expected of him. It’s not something Zayn needs to be adding to so he nods his head and pulls Liam close because Zayn knows that’s what he needs._

_“I missed you, too,” he says. “But we’re here now and I’m smiling now and it’s all because of you.”_

_“I love you,” Liam mumbles, his lips brushing against Zayn’s in something that isn’t so much a kiss so much as it is a need to be close and, for Zayn, it’s like the world stopped turning and time stops and everything is frozen and it’s just him and Liam standing outside behind this ridiculously expensive hotel._

_And Liam is walking them backward until Zayn’s back ins pressed against the cool brick of the building next to the door and he’s smiling at the tiny squeak that creeps out of Zayn’s throat and then their laughing as Zayn surges forward and claims Liam’s mouth with his own._

_Liam’s hands slide up the back of Zayn’s too-large jacket as he exhales through his nose and slots one of his legs between Zayn’s before pressing their hips together eliciting a soft groan from Zayn as while he stifles one of his own._

_Zayn feels warm and his body is buzzing from head to toe. Liam hands slipping and sliding and dragging along the planes of his body is almost electric and with his lips sucking bruises into his neck, Zayn feels as though he could die and everything in his life leading up to this very moment would be worth it._

_Liam’s hands are everywhere and so is his mouth and he’s rutting against Zayn’s thigh. There’s a barely audible “fuck” muttered under Liam’s breath before one hand slips into the back of Zayn’s slacks and that’s pretty much it. Zayn’s head thuds against the cool brick of the building and he doesn’t care who or what has ever been up against this wall before him because he can feel where Liam is hard and rubbing just below his hips and he’s massaging his ass and his tongue is dragging over a bruise that is sure to form just below Zayn’s ear._

_It usually isn’t like this; all desperate and needy and quick. Usually, they move slow and Liam takes his time tracing patterns into Zayn’s skin and he looks at him through his lashes in this way that makes Zayn think Liam can’t believe that he’s actually there. Usually it’s soft sighs and near silent exhales of breath instead of needy groans and quiet curses._

_Zayn thinks the change of pace may have to do with the fact that Liam has been watching him with Louis the entire night. He knows Liam will never say so out loud, but he knows Liam gets scared. Zayn knows Liam looks at sees something so much better than himself; someone who is sure of himself and unafraid to go after what he wants without so much as a glance over his shoulder. He sees a person who can give Zayn everything Liam doesn’t think he’s capable of giving and he’s afraid Zayn might realize that too and run._

_So Zayn pulls Liam impossibly closer and cranes his neck, forcing eye contact. Liam’s looking at him with wide brown eyes and Zayn thinks he’s the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen in his life and he smiles as one of his hands slides up Liam’s neck and over his hair. Even though he likes the rough and the needy, feels good knowing Liam wants him as much as he does, it’s this that Zayn loves the most. The closeness and the intimacy he thinks he’ll only ever find when he’s wrapped up in Liam’s arms._

_“I’m here,” Zayn whispers against Liam’s lips, their noses brushing as his eyes slip closed. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

_And Liam sighs sinking into Zayn’s arms, trapping him between his own body and the hard brick of the wall. His hands slip out of the back of Zayn’s slacks and lock around his waist before he’s pressing their mouths together, slow and gently just as it always has been._

_“Okay.”_

Louis simply doesn’t know and Zayn doesn’t know how to explain because love isn’t something you can really put into words.

But then again neither is the look on Ashley’s face when she and two of the guys from Liam’s group of friends came barging through the back door and caught the pair of them wrapped up in each other behind the hotel.

And the look on Liam’s face when he saw them and heard the incredulous way in which they spoke his name as their eyes darted from Liam to Zayn and back again? That can’t really be explained either.

But the feeling in Zayn’s chest when Liam pushed him away and stumbled back, almost falling onto his back with the sheer force and desperation in his movements. The look of pure fear and embarrassment and shame and sorrow and, worst of all, pity in his eyes as he met Zayn’s eyes before turning around to face his friends.

The blank expression on Liam’s face when Ashley asked him “what the fuck was going on” and “were you really just making out with that fag?”

The way Liam looked at Zayn and the way his eyes said he was sorry before he laughed something that was so forced and not Liam and said “No.”

No; Like it was something that could never happen in a million years.

No; Like it was something Liam could never even consider because Zayn really doesn’t have a chance. He’s just that lovesick puppy that follows Liam around wishing and waiting for something that will never come.

No.

The harsh slap of Ashley’s hand against Zayn’s cheek and the sharp sting of her nails digging into his skin?

_“I’m so sick of you following him around with your puppy dog eyes like you actually have a chance. Don’t think I don’t see you watching and staring with your big eyes and your desperate smile. Liam won’t tell you because he’s nice, but I will. He doesn’t want you, Zayn. He doesn’t want you now and he never will.”_

The defeat with which Liam shook his head “no” when Ashley asked if she was right?  If Liam wanted him?

Those are the things that really can’t be put into words. Those are the things that can only be felt in aches and pains and shame. Those are the things that are best kept locked away and forgotten because feeling them is just too much.

It’s nothing compared to the blunt force of a fist to the face ( _“you know what happens to little boys who don’t know their place?”)_ because the way in which Liam shrinks back and forces his eyes away hurts ten times more. The fear in his voice when he tells them to stop because “it’s just a harmless crush that doesn’t mean much anyways” cuts deeper than Ashley’s nails against Zayn’s skin.

It’s the pathetic feeling of sympathizing for someone who wasn’t brave enough to save him because Zayn knows that Liam’s scared. It’s Zayn excusing Liam’s behavior and trying his best not to be angry because he knows that it’s hard. He knows what it is to be on the outside and to have people not like him and he’s used to it and Liam isn’t and Zayn doesn’t want Liam to know the pain of a fist to the face for being different.

Its Zayn realizing that he loves Liam more than he loves himself and how that may no longer be a good thing.

These are the things that can’t be put into words. These are the things Louis doesn’t understand because all he knows is the way he found Zayn lying broken on the ground as Ashley dragged Liam back into the hotel, the two nameless boys trailing behind them. He only knows the way Zayn cried as Louis picked him up off the floor and asked him what happened.

Louis only knows the way in which Zayn clung to him and sobbed into his shoulder because he hated himself when he knew he should be hating Liam. He only knows the way Zayn had looked into his eyes and asked if Louis really did love him better.

( _“I don’t know,” Louis had said. “But I can try.”_ )

He only knows the way Zayn had clung to him because while Louis didn’t feel like home in the way Liam did he felt safe and warm and there in a way Liam never really had.

Louis only knows the way Zayn cupped his cheek and looked as him as if he were seeing him for the first time. Zayn will probably never tell him, but he never really meant to do it. Louis was just there and he was warm and he loved him and Zayn was sad and vulnerable and lonely.

And Louis’ lips were soft and pliant and there and he held Zayn as if he were something to be cherished and cared for. He kissed Zayn like he wanted the world to know.

In the end, that was all Zayn had ever wanted.

But kissing Louis was like kissing a friend. Louis’ lips were soft and pliant and there, but they didn’t leave Zayn wanting more. His skin didn’t tingle when Louis’ fingers weaved their way into the hairs at the nape of his neck. Louis was a warm body and he was there and he cared, but he didn’t leave Zayn reeling.   

Louis was a friend – the best Zayn could ever ask for – and he loved him.

In the end, Louis was everything Zayn ever needed.

But he wasn’t what Zayn wanted.

Because Liam, through all his faults, made Zayn feel as though he were flying. He kissed Zayn like the world was ending and he was the only thing that mattered. In Liam’s arms, the time stopped and Zayn felt as though he’d finally come home. Liam was a friend and Zayn didn’t have to try to love him because he already did. It was easy and it was natural and it was right.

And that’s something that Louis just doesn’t understand and Zayn doesn’t know how to make him.

“He left you there, Zayn,” he says again and his voice is icy and cold. “Do you know what it was like? Seeing you that way? Do you have any idea, Zayn? You were a mess.”

“I know,” Zayn answers and he can feel where Louis is holding his hand and Louis looking at him and he’s asking.

He’s asking Zayn to give him a chance, to do the smart thing and let Louis give him something Liam isn’t quite capable of handing over; not now at least. Louis’ eyes are sad and hopeful and they remind Zayn so much of himself. They remind him of afternoons spent under a tree in a courtyard watching a boy who seemed so close and so far away; a boy with big brown eyes and a smile that warmed Zayn to his very core.

And Zayn knows. Zayn knows Louis and he knows his heart and he knows that if he says yes, the only thing he’s going to do is break it. Zayn is Louis’ Liam and that’s all there is to it.

So Zayn wraps his arms around Louis’ shoulders and holds him close. He can feel Louis’ tense up before relaxing and pulling Zayn close, breathing him in, committing him to memory. When Zayn pulls away, their foreheads are touching and Zayn doesn’t realize he’s crying until Louis is wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“What’s wrong?”

Zayn’s eyes are sad and his heart feels heavy when he shakes his head and says he’s sorry. “It’s just…”

But Louis stops him before he can finish and nods his head. “I know.”

Zayn watches as Louis runs a hand through his hair and heaves out a heavy sigh. When he looks at Zayn his eyes are sad but they’re still friendly and warm despite the tears brimming around the edges that Zayn knows Louis doesn’t want to fall.

Without thinking, Zayn reaches forward and thumbs the underside of Louis’ eyes, wiping them away and when he laughs and ducks his head, swatting Zayn’s hand away from his face, Zayn knows they’re okay. It may not be the same, not right away at least, but Louis is still his friend and that’s all that really matters.

It’s quiet for a minute before Louis says, his voice serious, “You deserve better. I hope you know… even if it isn’t me. You deserve better.”

And Zayn thinks of Liam and afternoons spent wasting time in his bedroom and stolen glances and silent “I love yous” whispered into his skin. He thinks of warm smiles and kisses that left his lips tingling and his mind racing. He thinks of a boy who has made up his entire world for as long as Zayn thinks he can remember. Zayn thinks of a boy he loves more than he loves himself, someone he can’t see himself living without.

“Yeah,” Zayn says and his heart feels heavy because it’s true. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story will soon be coming to a close. After this, there is one more chapter and (maybe) an epilogue left so... there's that. im kind of sad about it because i really liked writing this and everyone who reads it is so great and just... yeah. its been a lot of fun and everyone is so supportive and its all been really great.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the ennddd. thanks to everyone for reading and sticking through with this. it was a lot of fun to write and everyone was just so nice and yeah... i really appreciate it.

The first time Liam tries to talk to him, Zayn says nothing.

Liam approaches him in the library, his head hung low and his hand rubbing at the back of his neck in that way he only does when he’s ashamed, and whispers speaks Zayn’s name, slowly and quietly like a secret. When Zayn looks up at him, Liam looks broken down and defeated and Zayn’s heart gets all twisted up and his stomach is in knots because all he wants to do is fix Liam; to tell him everything is alright and that he doesn’t need to worry because that’s what Zayn does. He forgives and he forgets and he makes himself believe he deserves less because that’s all he’s ever been given.

But then he feels the dull ache behind his eye and he sees Liam’s face when he shook his head and denied anything and everything that had ever happened over the past few months and he can’t do it. He can’t say it’s alright because it isn’t and Zayn isn’t sure it ever will be. And even though it hurts, Zayn knows he deserves better, something more, and that isn’t something Liam can give him. Not now.

So Zayn gathers his books and walks away without a single word leaving Liam to stand alone, in the library, staring down at an empty table.

For the most part Zayn spends his time alone. He still sits with Louis at lunch but he spends most of his time in his head. Louis may start going on about something happening in drama club or some man he saw out in town one day while he was out with his mother, and Zayn knows he’s only doing it to provide some semblance of normalcy to their relationship, to make it seem as though Zayn isn’t painfully aware of the fact that his best friend is in love with him and that his boyfriend didn’t stand up for him when he needed him most, but Louis soon realizes that Zayn isn’t really paying attention. He’s looking at Liam who’s sitting alone, on the other side of the yard eating a sandwich while his old friends laugh and joke with each other near the picnic tables.

Sometimes Liam will catch Zayn’s eye and he’ll look at Zayn as though he is begging. Liam will look at Zayn with eyes that say he’s sorry, he fucked up and he knows and he just wants to fix it if Zayn will only give him the chance. But Zayn isn’t sure of how to do that and he isn’t sure that he should. Zayn doesn’t know how to look at Liam, let alone talk to him, without seeing those eyes that denied ever knowing the planes of Zayn’s body or the touch of his lips when it mattered most.

So Zayn will sigh and look down into his lap and maybe try listening to Louis’ feeble attempts at normalcy in order to avoid thoughts of wasted afternoons in Liam’s bedroom and cool asphalt pressed against his cheek.

For the most part Zayn just wants to get a handle on his life. For the longest time everything he did revolved around Liam. He came to school hoping to see Liam, when he spoke, he chose words he thought Liam would like, he dressed for Liam, smiled for him, laughed for him. Everything he did was for this boy who Zayn had grown to love with every fiber of his being; nothing he did had ever really been for himself.

When Zayn thought about it, he didn’t even really know who he was. Not without Liam.

Just thinking about that scared him.

“I don’t think I really know who I am,” Zayn said quietly one day after school. It was one of those rare days when he didn’t go straight home and instead chose to hang out in the park with Louis. For a moment, Zayn looks toward the swings and remembers the night Liam gave him his jacket and Zayn subconsciously tugs down on the sleeves. He’s still wearing it even though it’s a little too warm.

“What do you mean?” Louis asks, surprised Zayn was actually instigating conversation. He’d been so quiet lately and, although Louis understood that Zayn probably needed nothing more than time, he worried.

“I’ve just been thinking, you know? About me and Liam and what I want to do about it all and I realized… I don’t know who I am without him.” He pauses, runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I mean, even before we were together, everything I did, I did to get his attention or hoping that he would notice. And then when he did, I did everything in hopes of making him happy or making sure that he liked me. I don’t really know who I am without him.” There’s another short pause before Zayn sort of slumps over, his head falling into his hands. “I feel kind of worthless without him. Like I don’t have a purpose, you know? Like Liam was the sole reason I was living and without him there’s no point.”

Louis frowns, sitting up a little so he could see his friend more clearly. “You’re Zayn,” he says. “You’re smart and your funny and you care about people. You’re my best friend. You’re a brother and a son. You have hopes and dreams and you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

When Zayn looks up there’s a determined look in Louis’ eyes that tells him this is more than him trying to give Zayn a reason to want him back. This was Louis speaking the truth. For some reason, Louis saw something in Zayn that Zayn hadn’t quite noticed himself and it makes Zayn want to find it; to find all these things that Louis can see so clearly in him. It makes Zayn want to discover himself.

In a way it makes Zayn sad because here was this boy who loved him so easily and freely and without question. Louis loves Zayn in the very same way Zayn loves Liam and, in the end that was all Zayn had ever really wanted: to be loved and loved in return.

But it wasn’t the same.

If Zayn has learned anything from this it’s that he needs to realize that he deserves more than what is just handed over to him.  He needs to go after what he wants instead of standing by and taking the bits and pieces that are left over. Zayn may not have a lot, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve more. And while Louis loves him in a way Zayn could only wish Liam were capable of comprehending, Zayn doesn’t feel the same way.

“Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with you instead?” Zayn finds himself asking before he can catch himself.  For a moment, Zayn thinks he’s gone too far and stepped into territory he and Louis hadn’t quite cleared yet, but then Louis’ lips are curving up into that easy smile of his that never fails to make Zayn feel more at ease and he’s shrugging his shoulders and Zayn knows it’s alright.

“I don’t know, mate,” he says with a laugh. “I ask myself that very same question every day. Tell me when you figure it out, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Zayn replies with a light hearted chuckle. “Okay.”

+

The second time Liam tries to talk to Zayn, Zayn listens but he doesn’t really speak.

Zayn finds him sitting on the curb outside of his apartment building when the bus stops outside his house. It’s a little later than usual because he and Louis had stayed late after school to hang out with a few of the kids from drama club and Zayn wonders how long Liam has been sitting outside for.

“You okay?” Louis asks, eyeing Liam.

Zayn nods. “Yeah. I’m just… I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Louis nods watches as Zayn climbs off of the bus and stops in front of where Liam is sitting on the curb. Zayn isn’t sure of what to do or what to say. He doesn’t know the protocol of interacting with Liam. He’d been avoiding any and all contact with him since he decided that he needed time for himself. Being around Liam and seeing him just didn’t seem like an option for Zayn at the moment.

But seeing him sitting outside of his apartment building, head hung low as he stares down at the trash and scum lining the space between the curb and the street made Zayn realize how much Zayn misses Liam. And when Liam looks up and sees Zayn standing a few meager feet away from him and his eyes grow wide and hopeful in a way Zayn can only think reminds him of himself whenever he used to watch Liam from afar, his heart nearly leaps out of his chest because, whether he likes it or not, Zayn loves this boy and he probably always will.

“Zayn,” Liam says and his voice is nervous and scared.

Zayn stares, crosses his arms, looks away when Liam’s face becomes too much.

“I… You wouldn’t talk to me at school and I—I just want to say I’m sorry, okay? I know you’re mad at me – and you should be – but I was scared and I’m sorry and I just want to make things right between us, you know?”

Zayn kicks a stray pebble with the point of his shoe, watches it bounce off the curb and into the street.

“Ashley and I broke up… I don’t know if you heard.”

Zayn shrugs. He’d heard about it in the hallway. Something about Ashley breaking up with Liam a few days after prom. There was no conclusive story but, from the whispers Zayn had caught wind of in the hallways, it had something to do with Liam not being man enough for her. Zayn has an itching feeling that it’s because she caught them outside, maybe because Liam hadn’t joined in when his friends decided to beat him up. Zayn isn’t sure but he figures it doesn’t really matter.

“Zayn, please,” Liam says and he’s begging now. His voice quivers and he takes a tentative step forward and Zayn steps back on instinct.

 When he looks up he can see the desperation in Liam’s eyes and its different from the times when they were locked away in Liam’s bedroom and Zayn was spread out on the bed and Liam was looking down at him as if he would die if he couldn’t have Zayn then and there in that very moment. It was different from the times when they would sneak off to some hidden corner of the school and rub off on each other because they couldn’t wait until the final bell. It was a different kind of desperation that Zayn had never really seen before because Liam was scared. Liam wasn’t used to losing things and here he was watching something he wanted slip right through his fingers.

And Zayn knew he could just give it back to him. It would be so easy to give in and tell Liam it was okay and to fall back into his arms if it would only mean putting a smile back onto Liam’s face. It would be so easy.

But it wouldn’t be right.

“I’ve… I’ve got to go,” Zayn mumbles and turns around to start up the steps of his apartment leaving Liam alone all over again.

+

The third time Liam talks to him, Zayn listens and he understands.

The year is almost over with only a few days of school left and Liam feels as though he’s watching everything pass him by. It’s not so much that everything has changed (even though it has) it’s just the first time where Liam feels as though he’s standing off to the side watching everyone else experience life. He watches Ashley hang off of her new boyfriend and the girls from cheer practice their stunts out on the football field. He goes to the basketball games on Friday nights, but he doesn’t really watch them. He still attends the occasional party but when people talk to him, Liam doesn’t really listen. It’s not so much that things have changed; it’s more so that Liam has. It’s that Liam doesn’t care. Not in the same way he used to.

Liam doesn’t care as much because when he’s not watching the basketball games he’s watching Zayn from across the gym laughing and cheering with Louis and a few of the kids from drama club.

When Liam is looking past Ashley and her new boyfriend, he’s watching Zayn learn to use a hacky sack with a girl from his science class.

Liam finds himself wandering the school and people will smile at him, but it doesn’t really reach their eyes. Other kids will say hello and sign his yearbook and say how much they’re going to miss him once the year is up and they all move on with their lives and he wonders just how much of them really care.

And his friends, the ones that were supposed to be there for him, the guys he spent years of his life trying to please and make happy, they don’t even bother.  

But then there’s Zayn. Liam sees Zayn and he sees the one person who loved him for who he truly was. He sees a boy that saw his faults and shortcomings and loved him anyways.

Liam watches Zayn now and he sees that he’s happy. Zayn looks happier than he’s ever seen him and he has friends and he’s smiling and people are noticing him and realizing just how amazing Zayn really is. And while Liam feels a pang of jealousy, he’s also glad because Zayn deserves it.

He just wishes he could have been a part of it.

It’s just after the final bell on the last day of school when Liam finally musters up the courage to talk to Zayn again. He’s nervous and he’s scared because the last few times Zayn hadn’t said more than two words to him and, while it hurt, Liam couldn’t really blame him.  Zayn had never been anything but kind to Liam. He was more than kind. Zayn was understanding and generous and he loved Liam so easily and without question and Liam had thrown all of that in his face in the span of ten minutes.  He’d left Zayn lying on the ground around the back of a hotel and had barely stopped to look back.

When Liam stops him, Zayn is walking with a pretty blond girl Liam recognizes from drama club. They’re talking about a concert in the park that’s supposed to be going on this weekend and Zayn is saying something about a boy and making sure he has a ride home because “we all remember what happened last time” and he’s laughing and Liam can’t help but to think of how _happy_ Zayn looks.

“Hey, Zayn?” Liam says and his voice is smaller than he’d meant it to be.

Zayn looks up and he looks a little shocked to see Liam standing there. He pauses for a moment, taking in Liam’s face before he turns to his friend and says he’ll catch up with her later. The blond smiles, gives Zayn a quick hug and reminds him to call her about the concert before heading off down the hall, making sure to wave to Liam as she passes him by.

There’s an awkward silence between the two of them once Zayn’s friend is gone. Zayn crosses his arms and looks down at his shoes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Liam knows he should be the first to speak because he initiated the conversation, but he isn’t sure of where to start. There is so much he wants to say and to explain, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to choose the right words; Zayn had always been better at that. He’d always been better with people than Liam had He understood them and he knew what made them hurt and what made them smile. Liam knew how to give people what they wanted. He knew how to say the things they wanted to hear, but he didn’t know how to be honest. He didn’t really know how to open up and tell people how he felt and know it would be okay. Liam didn’t understand how to trust.

“I’m sorry,” Liam says quietly.

Zayn’s eyes flick up to meet Liam’s and he nods. “I know.”

“Do you though?” Liam asks. “I mean… I’ve tried talking to you before and it’s like.... I don’t know. It was like you were listening but you didn’t hear me. And I get that, I’m not – I get it if you hate me for what I did because it was… it was a shitty thing to do, but—”

“I don’t hate you,” Zayn says, cutting Liam off. His hands fall to his sides as he sighs and looks up, fully meeting Liam’s gaze. “I could never hate you, Liam.”

Liam shoves his hands into his pockets and moves to lean up against the row of lockers lining the walls. “I don’t—there’s no excuse for what I did,” he says. “I know I said I was scared and I didn’t know what to do, and that’s true, but that’s no excuse. I should have been braver for you. I should have… I should have done something. And…I just wanted to say that I was sorry. I’m sorry for letting you down like that.”

Zayn nods and closes the space separating himself from Liam and leans against the lockers as well. They’re close, but they’re not touching and Zayn thinks of how easy it would be to shuffle a few paces to the left and press his shoulder to Liam’s. To crane his neck and press his lips to Liam’s cheek and tell him it’s all okay. He thinks about how easy it would be, but doesn’t make the move to do it because the timing just isn’t right.

“I’ve missed you, you know,” Zayn says. “I know it may not seem like I do because I haven’t tried to talk to you since prom, but I have. It was so hard at first because I just… You were everything, Liam. I don’t know if you realized that, but you were literally everything. It seems like for as long as I can remember I’ve spent my life doing everything for you. I’d given you my heart before you even knew you had it. And then when you finally noticed me after years of me hoping you would I did everything to keep you. I smiled for you and laughed for you, I felt like I was _breathing_ because of you.”

Zayn pauses, looks down at his shoes, and Liam can see the blush creeping onto his cheeks. “I did things for you. I told you it was okay that you were with Ashley even though I wanted you for myself. I watched you be with her even though it killed me to see you guys together because I knew that being with me like that would hurt you or cause you pain or… I— I just knew it was something you weren’t able to do at the time. I sacrificed so much of my own happiness for you because that’s what I thought love was.”

“I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have made you do that,” Liam says quietly.

Zayn shrugs. “I shouldn’t have let you. And that’s the thing, Liam. It’s not – it’s not just you. It was me too. I loved you more than I loved myself. I put you above everything. When you left me outside of the hotel that night I felt worse for you than I did for myself. I sat there and worried about what was happening with you instead of being concerned about the fact that I had just gotten beaten up by two of your friends.

Over the past few weeks I’ve realized that I never really knew myself. I was using you to define who I was. And, as much as I loved you – and I still do – I realized that I needed to step away. I needed to get away from you and figure out who I was. I needed to learn what makes me happy and meet new people and learn how to do things for myself.”

Liam smiles softly to himself. “I’ve noticed,” he says quietly and looks down at Zayn. “I’ve seen you around, you know. I’ve been watching, I guess. And I – you look so much happier and you have friends and they like you, you know? I was a little jealous at first because I would see you smiling and I would think about how I used to be the person to do that for you. I used to make your eyes light up and I used to make you laugh and now here are all these other people getting to do it… but, I don’t know, now I’m just… I’m happy for you.”

Zayn nods before Liam speaks again. “It was never because I didn’t love you,” he says. “I just want you to know that. I was just… I was scared and I wanted people to like me and I knew that if they knew about us that they wouldn’t. I wasn’t brave enough.  But… I’m not that guy anymore. At least I don’t think I am.”

Zayn furrows his brow as he turns to look at Liam properly. “What… I don’t get where you’re going with this.”

“I’ve just been… I’ve been thinking too over these past few weeks and I realized that you were the only person who ever really cared about me. You’re the only person who actually knew me and loved me despite all of my faults and all of those other people – Ashley and those guys – they never really liked me. They never even tried and I… I miss you. I miss being with you and not just in the physical sense, although that was pretty great, but I miss just talking to you. Just being around you.”

“Liam…”

“I know it’s asking a lot, but… it would be different this time. I love you, Zayn, I do. And you said that you still love me back and we miss each other and there’s no Ashley to worry about or stupid high school drama and it could just be us, you know?”

“Does Ashley even know?” Zayn asks. “Did you even tell her the truth when you guys broke up?”

Liam frowns. “No, but—”

“Would you tell your family or the people you meet at university?”

Liam opens his mouth to answer, but closes it because he isn’t sure. He thinks about his dad and the stern hand on his shoulder. He thinks about the challenge in his eyes, like his father is daring Liam to be anything other than what is expected of him. And Liam knows that he isn’t ready to take that step.

Zayn sighs. “I love you Liam,” he says. “I do, but… I don’t want to be anybody’s secret. I don’t deserve that. And even if you aren’t with Ashley and even if we aren’t in high school, it would still be the same thing. The only thing that would be different is the scenery.”

“So… is this it then?” Liam asks, shrugging his shoulders as his eyes scan the hallway. “Because I don’t… I don’t want it to be.”

“I don’t want it to be,” Zayn says, shaking his head. “But I can’t go back to the way things were. I won’t do that to myself and I think… I think I still need time for myself, you know? And I think you do too.”

Zayn takes a moment to look back up at Liam and it’s hard because he looks so sad, defeated, but in a way that’s different from the way he’d looked at prom. It was like he had been hoping. He’d been hoping for something different and it just wasn’t happening. But Zayn knew this was the right thing to do. As much as he wanted to run back to Liam and try things all over again, he knew it would only turn out the same. Liam needed time in the same way Zayn did.

“Will I see you again?” Liam asks and when he looks at him, Zayn can see and feel the same hope he had for Liam since the first time he saw him and it makes him smile because even though everything is different and he’s changing and Liam is changing, some things will always be the same.

“Of course,” Zayn says with a nod as he playfully bumps Liam’s shoulder with his own.

Liam lets out a sigh of relief as his lips curve up into a smile. “And maybe one day, I don’t know, maybe one day we can try again.”

“Yeah,” Zayn says with a nod, mirroring Liam’s smile. “One day.”

And even though things are tense and he’s still not quite sure where they stand, Zayn finds that it’s just as easy as it’s always been to smile around Liam. And with Liam looking at him, eyes filled with all the hope in the world, Zayn knows that it’ll all work out. It just takes time and patience because that’s what love is and that’s what he has with Liam. The warm buzzing feeling Zayn feels in his chest when Liam smiles or laughs or does something as simple as speak Zayn’s name, that’s something Zayn never felt with Louis or anyone for that matter and Zayn doesn’t think he ever will because when it comes down to it, Liam is it.

It may not have worked out now, but looking at Liam and seeing the broad grin on his face, Zayn knows they’ll find each other again.

He has hope.


End file.
